Statistically, most women say that infertility is the biggest tragedy of their lives. Worse than divorce, even worse than death in many cases. I can see this, because the death of possibilities, what might have been, can be a lot harder than a physical loss. And it is a very real grieving process that is difficult to talk about.
Plus, nobody brings you pies or casseroles.
The downsides of infertility are many, and their roots go deep. I know that IF has affected my attitude towards sex, my self-image and feelings about my body, my relationship between my husband and I. Most of the changes are negative.
As many bloggers have mentioned, there is a certain wide-eyed joy when you decide to start trying to get pregnant. It's something that most people never expect to have a problem with. It's exciting, and it's terrifying. And as time goes on, it becomes tinged with desperation, and every time AF shows up, it's like a slap in the face. You get jaded. Sex that can't result in a baby seems like a waste of time. Which, if you are on the infertility treadmill for long enough, can translate to "every time." Romance isn't so much a part of the equation if it has to be turned on and off like a TV program.
Our situation had brought The Man and I closer together in many ways. I have always had issues with people seeing me cry, and that includes him. I have forcibly had to transcend this, and The Man has had to learn to be supportive and not to laugh when I come unhinged about the way he folds laundry (true) or when I am hysterical and sobbing uncontrollably for two days because I watched a documentary about flightless Arctic birds. He's not great about showing his feelings either, but they have made the occasional appearance. It scares the hell out of me every time, but we're at least both secure in the fact that we are there for each other, no matter what.
My feelings about my body have never really been positive. I have always been overweight, I have always struggled with my skin. While infertility hasn't really improved either one of these, they have made me realize that the appearance of my body is not as important as its abilities. The numbers on the scale and the red bump on my forehead suddenly seem like mere blips on the radar. I'm not sure if this is a healthy attitude, but it's the truth!
What has IF changed for you?
5 comments:
Unfortunately, my IF has also forced me to deal with death -my two losses during which I had to watch as my babies left my body. As well as the pain of trying to conceive month after month and failing. It is definitely a grieving process.
I was wildly optimistic when we started TTC. I mean, I was sure it would happen within 6 month or less and surely before a year. Sex was fun and I could look at babies or big round bellies without feeling jealous and desperate. The romance in our lovemaking went out the door a long time ago. And while we try to get it back, it is nearly impossible when its set to an egg timer (literally).
IF has changed me for good and bad ways. The bad is pretty obvious in that I feel emotions I never thought myself to be capable of. It has caused me pain I never knew existed. But on the positive side, I am much more in tune with people's emotions than ever before and I know more about appropriateness and sensitivity. I've also met an amazing group of women and men I may not have met if not for IF.
i was an extroverted opionionatde person before TTC. I freely gave my opinion whenever i felt the desire to. Which now I view that as a huge flaw of mine. IF took away my desire to be around people because I did not know how to deal with all of thise sadness. I always was the upbeat peppy person and IF sucked that part right out of my life. (and of course hte obvious laking sex life and lacking friends that do not have babies or are not baby focused) What I gained from IF was sensitivity, and over a LONG period of time, learning how to appropriately decribe the feelings and emotions I have and am learning how to cope with them. Being more in tune with my feelings and recognizing my limits. Excellent Post
Great post.
Like Kristen and Fertilize Me, IF has changed me in both good and bad ways.
First, the bad:
I used to be optimistic
I used to be joyful about the process of having a child
I am worried that when we finally do have our baby, I will be an overly overprotective nutjob of a mother
I have lost a lot of people as friends - sometimes my choice, but more of the time, theirs
Sex used to be one of my favorite things, now mostly it is a chore
I saw my husband's heart break right in front of my eyes when we lost Gummy Bear - and I cannot get that image out of my head
But there is good:
I am more compassionate to others
I have realized who my real friends are
My husband and I are closer that I ever dreamed
When we finally get to be parents, we will appreciate it so much
Everyone has had such good responses to your question and I can relate to all of them. Been there! I would say that IF sucked the innocence, joy, and happy-go-luckiness right out of our lives. However, after nearly 2 years and a miscarriage we are reclaiming our lives now. After 10 days of stims and waiting for egg retrieval I am the most at peace than I have been since we started. One way or another, we are approaching the end of the road.
Reading your blog makes me feel un-alone. I felt like I was the only one having these thoughts. Am so glad I found your site.
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