Blown away.

Today was also a big, fat goose egg. Nada. My body has pretty much closed up ship, as evidenced by zero follicular growth and blood work that showed no hormonal surge. I have to wonder if Clomid did this. Googling shows that it has this effect on some women.

To make matters much more irritating, my doc wants me to start gonaditropins from last time if I don't show any signs of follicle development on Monday. Because he is going out of town at a crucial point. So Dr. Charming's 3 day weekend may end up costing us a few thousand more dollars, on top of everything else.

The good news: I spoke with my sister yesterday, about freezing eggs. I have been worried about her- she's 35, not in a long-term relationship, I know she wants children. She called me to check in, and we ended up discussing what egg freezing would probably entail. I told her the truth: That I wouldn't want anyone- ANYONE to have to struggle with this. And to think of it like insurance- something she hopefully doesn't need, but a backup, just in case.

She called me back later that night, and said, "You know- I was thinking, but I don't want to offend you- if it turns out that you need donor eggs down the line and it's OK with you- you're welcome to use mine right? I know how hard this is for you, and if there's any way I can help, I will be happy to do whatever I can. I know how much you want this."

I cried. She cried. Mom called later that night, and I told her, and we both cried some more. All in all, it's been a pretty weepy week. 

Holding pattern

It looks like it is going to be a frustrating month.

Per wand and blood results, my cycle has stalled out. I am probably looking at a 40 day cycle- or more, as opposed to my usual 28. I am sure that the crazy drugs I took last month have something to do with this, since I am usually like clockwork.

I've been moody, and occasionally weepy, but not crazy- trying to get as organized as I can until we move.  Trying to ignore the babies everywhere. Someone brought their new bundle of joy into Dr. Charming's office for him to see- one of "his" babies. I walked into the waiting room and encountered them, right after I got the news that none of the drugs were working on me. My reaction was not good.

I am trying desperately not to panic. My time in the Bay Area- and thus with this doctor- is running out. The Man hasn't found a job, and is defensive and angry when the subject comes up. All can think is that hopefully there will be some kind of last-second miracle. This situation included. If I could afford to wait on IVF, I would, but it's clear that we can't afford to put it off any longer.

Evidently, stress can mess up your cycle too. Good to know.

I go in again on Thursday. Hopefully something will be percolating soon. Both in my interior regions and in other aspects of my life. 

Alllrighty then.

I had another appointment with The Wand today.

It's kind of a set thing, now. I go in, have a seat, get summoned, disrobe from the waist down, enrobe my nether regions in a paper tablecloth, and perch gingerly on the table until Dr. Charming and a nurse come in.

Then there's a minute of smalltalk, and then I have to steel myself for the ultrasound.

I had one teeny antral follicle on the left today- not big enough to be worth measuring. The same as the ultrasound on Monday. I think we caught a glimpse of righty at one point, but not close enough to see follicles. Even that required a lot of jabbing and teeth gritting from me.

I just wish I were normal. With a right ovary that didn't wander off, and a life that didn't include getting 2-3 ultrasounds a week and, well, the ability to have children on my own. 

Dr. Charming assures me that it's still early, he has a few other ideas, and that I should come in on Monday. On Monday, it will be Day 10 of my cycle, and if I don't have any follicles worth noting, the cycle will be cancelled.

All I can think about is eating junk food. 
 ________________________

Updated to add: I had a mini-meltdown instead. This post is evidently brought to you by Clomid, because BAM! Super emo came out of nowhere. I was sobbing uncontrollably, and then promptly got a hot flash: another Clomid side-effect I have experienced before. And then I was fine. I still want junk food, though, albeit the Paleo kind. I think I have earned it.

I take my last dose tonight. Not that it appears to have done much besides providing definitive proof that my new hippie mascara is definitely not waterproof. The Man noted that I was like this for the duration of my Clomid treatment several years ago- with the addition that I was unable to cope with anything and pretty much confined myself to my bed whenever possible, crying and eating cookies. We are hoping that this was just a one-shot deal.

Reboot

Here we go again!

Another 28 day cycle. Another Saturday start. At least some things are predictable. ;)

I went in today for the baseline ultrasound. We saw a follicle getting started (on the left, of course) and then discussed the plan. This time, some Clomid, a small amount of Gonal-F the week prior to ovulation, and then the trigger shot- plus some kind of drug that is supposed to serve as "backup" in case my body doesn't want to wait until the appointed time. It locks the egg in the follicle somehow.

I was appalled to see that the drug that serves as "backup" was about $5 out of pocket at the pharmacy.  I realize that my situation is rare but knowing that a $5 prescription could have saved us thousands of dollars, a lot of blood sweat and tears, a month's time, and a few acres of frustration is...well. Infuriating. 

So- Clomid was a doozy for me last time. We will see what we get out of it. I got great results last time: tons of follicles, along with The Crazy. So I will be really careful to avoid any movies containing babies....actually, animals or babies, since both made me cry hysterically last time around. Do Not Want.

The fridge is stocked, the yoga DVD is out, I went to the RE, then acupuncture, then took my first dose of Clomid tonight...so it should be all systems go. Fingers crossed.

The Man said he was looking at SUV's online today, "just in case". It melted my stony, frozen heart. Granted, he was very excited about one that seats 9. I think he may be getting way ahead of me, here. He tried to make the excuse that it was because the back seats could fold down so we would have room for kids and dogs. Uh-huh. 

And the waiting begins.

I woke up promptly this morning. Someone down the street was screaming frantically and banging on something metal- over and over again. Our dogs both started going berserk.  

The Man leapt out of bed, threw on some pants and went charging out the door and down the sidewalk.

Unfortunately, it was a tourist from some Germanic place. She had somehow locked herself in the public bathroom down the street, and started panicking- screaming for her husband at the top of her lungs and banging on the metal door. The Man strode up to see her befuddled husband standing, gaping, outside the door.

I got the story when he returned- he evidently let her out, then went inside the bathroom, and easily opened the door twice.

As a female who has traveled extensively, you do dumb things occasionally. Granted- hopefully they are not at 6AM. At this point, my adrenaline levels were through the roof, thinking that someone had been assaulted, or was being eaten by a giant space whale. I will attribute that last theory to being groggy, and to having watched too much Dr. Who in the past week.

So The Man and I snuggled up for a bit, and then he went to work. I crashed again soon after he left. It's been a quiet day- I have been cooking and stuff, and at some point was reading a book, petting one of the dogs with my feet, until I realized that it was not in fact a dog. It was a furry black Ugg boot, which I left under the coffee table last night.

So yeah. I am still somewhat woozy. Back to taking my acupuncture herbs, and doing my best to stay upbeat and not worry.

The good, and bad, and the really crappy.

Today was- well, basically, horrible. Just an FYI.

I went in. I met my anesthesiologist, made polite small talk, and tried not to freak out when he couldn't get the IV into my hand- it hurt like a mo-fo. He ended up using the site I had initially suggested- The "magical blue dot" on the inside of my right elbow hasn't failed me yet.

That's basically the last thing I remember- getting the IV situated, Dr. Charming coming in...and then I woke up, to see The Man and Dr. C, and knowing from the facial expressions that something was wrong.

I ovulated early. I went through anesthesia and the whole crapload, only to have them go in, and my egg had already flown the coop. Follicles on the right were too small to retrieve. So it was all a bust.

Dr. C had immediate suggestions, because of course, tears.

We could wait this cycle out, I could do an IUI...because after all, my husband's sample was really good. At which point I blurted out, "Because the problem is ME. I am the weak link here, right? I have had six medicated IUI's- none of them worked!" The worst part was seeing my husband's face, while he tried to hold on to my left hand- which wasn't swathed in gauze. And Dr. C said, "Well, we discussed donor eggs too. Maybe we should talk about that. What do you want to do?

And I, tear streaked and groggy on the table, nasal cannula still in, just started repeating, "I just want to go home. I just want to go home. I can't talk about this right now."

And Dr. C left the room, and my husband's face was so full of sorrow, and it was awful. While I processed all the money that had been wasted, in the form of drugs that didn't do what they were supposed to do, and the anesthesia which I went through for absolutely no reason. Which we will also have to pay for. And I was filled with such- loss. And fury. And incredible frustration.

The nurse came in, detached my cannula,  and looked horrified when I ripped off the multiple layers of tape and bloody gauze from the initial IV site on my hand.  It was obvious that I was developing a big purple swelling which would turn into a bruise the diameter of a silver dollar. She suggested that The Man would need to help me get dressed, as I would be wobbly. I waited until she was gone until I hopped off the table, fueled with adrenaline, and managed to get dressed with no assistance. Yet another indicator that I'm an alien- coming out of anesthesia  like that is typical, for me.

I asked to speak with the doctor again. He said early ovulation is really rare. I asked why we hadn't done an ultrasound before surgery. I think he said that would be a good idea next time. We ended up deciding to just do an IUI, and hopefully catch the egg. I made a reference to sending in "Seal Team Six", which would mean that my uterus is Pakistan, and the egg is Osama Bin Laden, which really isn't as funny. And not accurate, as it is most likely "Seal Team 100 Million."

They told us that we should come back in 30 minutes for my IUI. All I could think of wanting to eat was a Chai Frappuccino- which isn't Paleo, but I think on a day like this, I am entitled.

So yeah. We got Frappuccinos and did our seventh medicated IUI. The Man held my hand. I have pretty much been ok and resting quietly in bed today, aside from a few bouts of teariness and the requisite update calls to Mom.  And my acupuncturist. I am taking herbs that should improve the likelihood of fertilization and implantation. We will see.

I did some online research. That trigger shot is supposed to work in 36-48 hours, but some women ovulate up to 12 hours earlier. I just got lucky, I guess.

So, against all our plans, the 2ww is upon me. I am trying to be hopeful, but the odds are definitely against me.

Home stretch

Sunday, 3 day weekend. 9AM. I was expecting a nurse to show up for my ultrasound. But no: There was Dr. Charming, in his scrubs.

Things are pretty good: Lefty's follicle is now up to 19 plus, Righty is still cooking along: but I was so uncomfortable and it is so far out there, all we could detect is a far-off ovary with a shadowy "something" inside. (Narnia!) We decided that when I am under anesthesia, he will take another look, and move forward accordingly.I am hoping to get more than one follicle out of this, so I guess we will be in suspense until the last possible minute.

Soo- last shot of Cetritide was this morning, trigger shot tonight. It will be the first of three. I have done so many IUI's, but never a retrieval, so this is all new territory for me. I am scheduled for 9:30 AM on Tuesday. Incredibly nervous, and excited.   The Man has been briefed, I think we are ready.

We talked about baby names last night- something we haven't done for years now. This is such a big deal for us both- I hope the gamble pays off, this time.

I need to talk to my acupuncturist- since I will no longer be on any kind of medication, I need to see if there is anything I can do or take on my end, that will naturally help my body do what it needs to do. That should be an interesting conversation...