Wednesday, November 20, 2013

OK.

Oh man.

The Man has been gone for three months so far- away at school in Mississippi. I visited him at the end of October, and am still trying to get my mojo back. And somehow it's like I got back here and got slapped in the face with the holidays.

It's been a year since what I'd characterize of the darkest time in my life. We are back in the house, moving forward, and I was just sort of floating along, and then I realized today that I turn 39 in two days. And I am still here. And I have to face another childless holiday season. And everything else that goes with it. And OMG, how? HOW?!! Am I going to get through it again? I tell myself every year that next year will be different. Yet here we are, again.

Then I popped onto Facebook for some distraction, which was a mistake. A longtime childhood friend of mine just had her 2nd baby, and I congratulated her- and meant it!  But then I started looking through her pictures. One of which featured most of the members of my girl scout troop at a reunion as adults. There they were, smiling, lined up with their mothers, and their babies and toddlers- one, or two, or three each. All I could feel was a sense of gratitude that I had been traveling and couldn't make it to that occasion because just the thought of the questions and the pity and the knowledge that I probably would have had a meltdown in the middle of it, were enough to trigger a monumental crying jag. Pretty much all I did, all morning, was bawl my eyes out.

I called my mom. The Man has enough on his plate with school, my friends are dealing with their own crap, and I just needed to get the poison out. I hate feeling this way, but the truth of the matter is, I am still grieving for an imaginary child. An idea. And it's horrible, but if I were an actual grieving mother, I'd get closure. A funeral. I can't even talk about it without sounding crazy. But that was what I needed to do. To sound crazy, to let it go to the best of my ability, and start working on this horrible 10 year project- one last time.

I set up an appointment with a local RE. I checked reviews. I called The Man. We've agreed that we will put our hat in the ring for adoption, and start the IVF process simultaneously, as soon as he gets back. Either way, this is the end of it.

Then I went out to dinner with my family to celebrate my birthday, a day or so early. It took every ounce of self control I have to get through it, but I did it.