The very stream-of-consciousness verdict

I have never had a positive pregnancy test.

Today was no exception.

The man is still blissfully asleep, and I am just sort of befuddled.
You know those months where you think, "Wow. This is it!"

It was one of those months for me. I stroked my tummy this morning when I couldn't get back to sleep, and it felt so sleek and rounded, alive and promising. Of course, now that I have taken the test, it just feels like I ate a basketball. (Why? Oh. Last night's spaghetti.)

I wish I knew what the issue was. This unexplained thing is just crap. I feel like were blindly fumbling and flailing in the dark while throwing money around. There's not really a whole lot more that I can say about it.

The Man and I discussed what our options were yesterday, before I left for work. One cycle of injectibles down, two to go. Take a small break for the holidays. Then, depending on what the doctor says, we're in IVF territory. We agreed to have ONE, because it's not our money we're dealing with, and while I know my parents will offer (and coerce, and argue) I don't know if I can bring myself to accept more help from them.

And after that....well. Then we reevaluate our options, but the semi-spoken agreement is that we adapt to the idea that we just may not have kids. Which just seems like a nightmare scenario, but it needed to be addressed.

Of course, I am also thinking that The Man could start brushing up on his Russian. But that's way out of left field, and while I am open to the idea of adoption, he isn't, and that's just the way it has always been. Running out of options might change things, however.

This month has been one of the best so far, with regards to sanity (no Clomid) and my reaction to the plus-sign's failure to appear. It's also been better with regards to my progesterone side effects. I have been going to bed really late, and then waking, inexplicably, at 6AM. Maybe my body is adjusting? Or maybe I just know what to expect.

I am doing pretty well on my attempts to keep away from the "cookie crutch", as well as the ice cream. Mainly because I haven't bought any, and if it is not in my house, I am much less likely to eat it. I crave sugar pretty much constantly, and I know it is a side effect of the 'rone. Well, that and the feeling every morning that someone has played a practical joke on me as I lay sleeping: a joke that involves a major invasion of privacy and several judicious squirts of Elmer's glue.

So, Day One hovers on the horizon. I need to call the clinic today (oh bother). AF should be arriving tomorrow or Saturday, just in time for my crazy schedule this weekend, where I am working two ten-hour days- five hours at a Home Show for one job, one hour off (to get lunch and drive across town), then five hours folding clothes for the other one. 10 hours on my feet? WTF was I thinking?!!!

I am noticing positive results from the new job, however. I am usually in a great mood when I come home. I have TWO jobs that I love. (It would be nice if they paid better, but such is life.) I seem to have a lot more energy. And my legs are seriously looking killer, even if my feet are slowly killing me.

So, a new cycle is on the horizon.




And I feel incredibly ready for it. You hear that Universe? I'm ready. I can take whatever you can dish out, you mean ol' beeyotch. Bring it on!