Juno

I went and saw Juno yesterday.

I have to admit, I was a little worried, and some of the scenes made me tense up in my seat to the point that I squirmed uncomfortably. However, I didn't overly abuse my one pathetic Kleenex.

After that random disclaimer, I have to say that I loved this movie. It was hilarious and quirky, and just one of those movies that you walk out of feeling satisfied and vaguely vindicated. And yes, Chris, I want the soundtrack. It kind of grows on you.

YMMV- I am glad I watched it with my girlie buddies, and not The Man. Because there is one part that made me SO MAD at my husband (without the benefit of his having done anything wrong) that I probably would have reached over and pinched him repeatedly just to relieve my seething feelings.

Irrational? Well, maybe. But I guess there is a good reason, because I am in the throes of possibly THE worst PMS I have ever had. I mean it, I woke up with my back spasming two days ago, cramps, you name it, and I was in full attack mode for about a week before that, when any little thing could set me off. Considering that I usually lead a crampless existence, have no mood swings (aside from a little ditziness) and just take a prolonged nap the day before AF arrives, this is interesting news.

I hope you all are having fantastic weekends that don't involve any back spasming. I don't recommend it.

Sorry.

Oh boy.

I have written this post a couple of times, and nothing that I committed to typing could sum up what I was trying to convey. Suffice it to say, I don't want to be melodramatic or anything- I am just kind of tapped out.

All of my energy has been going into work. I took over another teacher's classes, so I have gone from teaching 2-3 classes a day to 5 or 6. Several of those are an hour drive, each way. With that and the gym, my time is just getting sucked into oblivion. Also, The Man is finishing college and has started his weekends in the Bay Area, so any free time we have seems to get spent with each other.

Another reason I haven't blogged is that my last post just scared me. I wrote it from a bad place,and it's pretty obvious when I read it that when I say I am content to sit and wait, that's just a big fat lie.

Sitting and waiting is something that I am stuck with. I am feeling that acutely right now, and just trying to pour myself into other pursuits that I can at least have some measure of success with. I am a great teacher, so I am teaching. I am also in great shape for someone my size, and am feeling healthier spiritually, emotionally, and physically, with each passing day.

I can tell that the change in activity level and nutrition is doing something to my body. I am pissed off that I let myself be deluded into thinking that making these changes might be detrimental to my fertility journey. Different fertility indicators have gotten stronger, and that's as blunt as I am going to get. You guys put up with enough from me!

That being said, not much to report. I just didn't feel that it was "fair" to post, because I know how generous you guys all are with your support, and I haven't had any support to give in return. What I really needed was a break, and I took one, and while I am still kinda "meh", I will take "meh" over psychotic and weepy any day of the week.

I missed you guys. How are you doing?

Bitter

After a minor crying jag, I popped over to I Can Has Cheezburger, and this was the first thing I saw. It doesn't get much more appropriate than this, boys and girls. It at least provoked a burst of semi-hysterical laughter, so maybe I am not that far gone.

I can't really explain why the crying was going on. It just happened. The Man is at work, and I just feel so frustrated and alone and so angry...and once again, there isn't much of an explanation for the angry part.

Chris wrote this post, and voiced the question, "When will something finally be easy?"

That's totally how I feel. Actually, I don't really ask anymore, I just assume that it's not going to be easy, end of story, Amen, Goodbye, Whatever. In fact, it's probably going to be impossible, and why try?

I wonder if so many things came to me so easily in my youth that this business of starting a family is payback for all the easy stuff I didn't appreciate then.

I know this is unreasonable, but it's there, swirling around in my brain with about two million other things.

I start back to work at my primary job on Monday, and I have a really full schedule. The lab coat is going into the laundry, and then it's back to five days of teaching other people's kids about the planets, about polymers, about burps, about fingerprints, and about the five senses. (You see the "other people's kids?" I really need to stop obsessing about that.)

My favorite sense to talk about is taste. The kids get excited about that, because besides yummy or yucky, taste isn't something they really think about a lot. We discuss that there are different areas on the tongue that taste the different flavors of the foods that you eat. We talk about sweet, salty, sour, and bitter, and how they are all different. I explain that bitter foods are usually the ones that kids don't like, because kids have more tastebuds than adults do, so they are more sensitive to strong flavors than grownups are.

Bitter is a flavor that I have never really gotten behind. Coffee is the example that we use in my class, and coffee is something that I drink with so much sweetener and so much milk that it basically doesn't even count as being coffee anymore.

But bitter seems to be talking over my life, somehow, and I hate it. I hate it. I feel bitter and like I am shriveling up inside. There is no Creme Brulee Coffeemate that I can add to make this better. No amount of foam or pumps of syrup or packets of Splenda is going to fix it.

I also feel sour. Sour, like the lemons that I just can't seem to make lemonade out of anymore. Sour, like milk that has curdled, and is only fit to be poured chunkily stinking down the drain, because it was tainting everything else in the fridge.

When I think of salty, I don't think of pretzels or potato chips. I think of tears.

Maybe all the sweetness is gone?

Maybe I caught my limit, and I can't just run out to the store to get more.

Somehow, my emotional taste buds are all effed up, and I have no clue how to fix them.

Shut Up and Drive

Yeah, this song is a staple on my workout playlist. Go Rihanna!

The doggies did great this weekend. I am so proud of them. We kept them on their leashes, since neither of them is ready yet to be able to run free at the beach, and their anxiety about all the other off-leash dogs kind of hampered my ability to take pictures, but we still had a great time. Predictably, Bear plunged right into the ocean, up to his chest, while Bosco delicately avoided the tiny lapping waves. They're so funny. It was a big weekend- first time seeing the ocean, first time experiencing stairs, first time being around so many other dogs.

They did great at Mom and Dad's place. No begging, no "accidents" (well, there may have been one, but luckily mom and dad were out, and they have hardwood floors. I won't tell if you won't!). They stayed off the furniture and hung out on their blanket in front of the fire and just kind of blissed out the whole time.

Considering that the last time my parents saw our dogs, they were slavering and barking and hurling themselves against our sliding glass door, this behavior was a total 180. My parents were actually so impressed with how they behaved that they are getting the Dog Whisperer book for my brother and his wife for Christmas. (We still haven't exchanged gifts yet.)

It was nice getting away, being outside and active, and not having to worry about holiday crap. We had a good, solid, relaxing trip. Yay!

There was a weird moment with my mother. I had picked up a copy of People magazine, with a very PG Jennifer Lopez on the cover. My mom noticed I was scanning the article, and made a face.

"Do you like her?"

"I am just interested. I think she did IVF, so I wanted to check out if the article says anything. I doubt it, but you never know."

"Why on earth did they try to keep it a secret for so long?" she asked. "It just seems stupid."

"Well...I am guessing that she's been infertile for awhile, and maybe had some recurrent miscarriages or something," I said, flatly. "I wouldn't want that whole heartache plastered in every tabloid under the sun."

My mom, who admittedly isn't overly fond of JLo, gave me a look that I can only describe as stunned.

"I didn't even think of that..." she said, and dropped the subject.

I do wish that celebs would be more open abut the fact that they use assisted reproductive technologies. This whole taboo just needs to be gone.

I have been doing a lot of reading- in addition to the Margolis book and the Newsweek article mentioned in the last post, my sister-in-law got me The Golden Compass trilogy, and I seem to have burned through it in two days.

I plan to talk about the Margolis book more in-depth tomorrow, but here's the general consensus: I liked it. It was a very open, honest read, with a a lot of general information about the roads that infertility leads you down. There's a lot of info about surrogacy, which is nothing we have ever considered, but it's what Cindy and her husband did, so that is a perspective that was interesting for me to read about.

I am considering giving it to my mom to look at once I am done with it.