OK.

Oh man.

The Man has been gone for three months so far- away at school in Mississippi. I visited him at the end of October, and am still trying to get my mojo back. And somehow it's like I got back here and got slapped in the face with the holidays.

It's been a year since what I'd characterize of the darkest time in my life. We are back in the house, moving forward, and I was just sort of floating along, and then I realized today that I turn 39 in two days. And I am still here. And I have to face another childless holiday season. And everything else that goes with it. And OMG, how? HOW?!! Am I going to get through it again? I tell myself every year that next year will be different. Yet here we are, again.

Then I popped onto Facebook for some distraction, which was a mistake. A longtime childhood friend of mine just had her 2nd baby, and I congratulated her- and meant it!  But then I started looking through her pictures. One of which featured most of the members of my girl scout troop at a reunion as adults. There they were, smiling, lined up with their mothers, and their babies and toddlers- one, or two, or three each. All I could feel was a sense of gratitude that I had been traveling and couldn't make it to that occasion because just the thought of the questions and the pity and the knowledge that I probably would have had a meltdown in the middle of it, were enough to trigger a monumental crying jag. Pretty much all I did, all morning, was bawl my eyes out.

I called my mom. The Man has enough on his plate with school, my friends are dealing with their own crap, and I just needed to get the poison out. I hate feeling this way, but the truth of the matter is, I am still grieving for an imaginary child. An idea. And it's horrible, but if I were an actual grieving mother, I'd get closure. A funeral. I can't even talk about it without sounding crazy. But that was what I needed to do. To sound crazy, to let it go to the best of my ability, and start working on this horrible 10 year project- one last time.

I set up an appointment with a local RE. I checked reviews. I called The Man. We've agreed that we will put our hat in the ring for adoption, and start the IVF process simultaneously, as soon as he gets back. Either way, this is the end of it.

Then I went out to dinner with my family to celebrate my birthday, a day or so early. It took every ounce of self control I have to get through it, but I did it.

Every Day.

I was sitting in the patio area at Starbucks with my recently married friend, A.

We were sipping iced teas and catching up when the young man came up to us and asked for change.

Of course, he had a story, and whether his version was true or not- He said he needed $1.25 to catch the bus, and I will spare you the (long convoluted) back story, but he claimed that a friend had stolen $80 from his wallet, and he'd arrived at Starbucks to get a coffee and opened his wallet to find zero dinero. Since he had a bag containing a cable box from the Xfinity store, he could have been telling the truth.

I have implemented a policy where I will give out spare change. No folding money. If I have it, I have it, if I don't, sorry. Yeah, I have a policy, because it seems like I get asked for change everywhere I go, lately. 

As it turns out, I had $1.50 in quarters and dimes. I gave him the requested bus fare. He said, "Thank you so much! And I know it's early, but Happy Mother's Day!"

It was like a knife to the heart. I somehow forgot it was coming. All the dreams I had last fall, thinking this would be the year I finally get to celebrate, just rushed over me.  

Yesterday, I went to a function where a casual acquaintance was there with her two daughters. One has a child, but is divorced- the other is single. She was joking around, saying that she would take them out for lunch for Mother's Day, in the spirit of untapped potential, so maybe they would give her some more grandchildren. "Just think of how many eggs are in those ovaries! You need to use them before they all dry up!" The daughter with the child smiled and made a joke of it;  the unmarried daughter looked like she wanted to sink through the floor. And I just couldn't control the expression on my face. I don't even know what it was, just that it was like I was wearing a mask, and the acquaintance asked, "Jen? Are you OK?" And I don't even remember what I said to her. Probably something reassuring.

I managed to make reservations for lunch for my Mom today. We've become a lot closer since we moved back. I have honestly been a lot happier, which helps. My brother will hopefully show up to celebrate with my parents, and The Man and I, since he is in town for the weekend. I don't want to ruin this, Mom deserves her day unsullied by meltdowns, so hopefully I have gotten all my typical emo crap out of my system.

Last night, in the car on the way to dinner with friends, I was telling The Man about the episode with the mother and her two children. And he said, "I have been thinking. We need to move forward. I don't want to stop trying to have biological children, but I think it's time to start looking into adoption. I am still not thrilled with the idea, but we have been waiting long enough for this phase of our lives to start, and my main concern is that I might not bond with an adopted child- but maybe some research will make me feel better about it."

I am still shocked. And so, amazingly grateful. When he uttered those words, it was like a huge weight was lifted off of me.  I feel the same way- I don't want to stop trying, but I don't want to wake up at 42 and still be childless. That part of me that has been so angry and resentful with him for so long over the inequity of the situation was so deeply ingrained, and I just tried to bury it deeply enough so I could forget about it, but- looking over the last few years, and reading entries in this blog, I realized how it's just been poisoning me.

Whatever happens, I think I just received my first Mother's Day gift- a day early.  My road to motherhood may not be conventional, but I finally feel like I am on my way. I have definitely earned my stripes.