In *gasp* RETAIL.
Sadly, this employment did not pay well, but it offered a great employee discount, and cute clothes. Also, it was close to
Everyone felt that this was a great idea, including the woman's husband, who felt that she needed to be "kept busy", and her mother, who was heard to make the comment, "You need some distraction so you stop dwelling on ...you know...THINGS so much!"
The woman, being a good daughter, did not bang the phone repeatedly against the wall and hang up.
And as it turns out, she was pretty good at selling new bras and jeans to women who desperately needed them, even when said items were not on sale. While her feet hurt, and she reluctantly had to trade in her leopard print peep-toe platform heels for leopard print ballet flats, she decided it was all worth it.
As it goes, when you are the new girl at work, people are hesitant around you for awhile. You know that they are getting used to you when they start dropping the occasional f-bomb and asking you about your pets.
Last night was that night, and
I said something along the lines of, "No, not yet...hopefully soon."
They laughed and said, "Have you been drinking out of the water fountain?"
Um, yeah, I have been drinking out of the water fountain. My throat gets very dry trying to explain to women why they will look better if they would just hike their boobs up off their mid-sections.
"Of course, I drink out of the water fountain!" (Shit! Is it contaminated with heavy metals or something?)
"Well, then you'll probably be next. Five girls who were working here in the last year have gotten pregnant. We think it's the water."
Hello, nurse!
Seriously, I am considering taking water bottles in there with me tonight. Screw the Gonal-F. I'm going to get knocked up by drinking out of the water fountain.
Just think of the money I'll save!
Anyway, I returned to reality, and both of the girls I had been talking to were looking at me in that way where you know they think you're just a liiiiiiiiittle insane. Oops.
They may not be far wrong. I'm not kidding. I am going to be drinking that stuff like a camel.
Sorry I haven't been around. I have been on my busy 20 hour-a-day progesterone-induced sleep schedule. I occasionally wake up to eat cookies, and then I pass out again. If I'm not moving, I fall asleep; it's like I'm narcoleptic. I was ok last week, but this week has been ridiculous.
My body has also been changing shape on a daily basis. I have stopped weighing myself- because it is torture. As long as my jeans still fit, everything is cool. I just have to shake the feeling that I am slowly turning into an amoeba.
The Man: Hey! Your waist is back today!
Me: I know! I threw a welcome back party for it.
The Man: Wooohooo!
Me: By the way, you might want to take a picture of it. It's not going to be around for long- the party involved cookies.
The Man: I think we can consider that collateral damage.
Me: Cool.
By the way, please pray (or chant, or burn sage...I'm totally not picky) for me. I am going to a 2-year-old's birthday party tomorrow, at the behest of a single friend.
She begged, because she will be the only adult there who doesn't have a child or belong to Mommy-and-Me. Also, the mother of the two-year-old is prego, and isn't particularly thrilled about it.
I know it sounds like a recipe for disaster. However, this friend went with me to my sister's Nightmare San Francisco Pretentious Lawyer Drunk-Ass Disco Debacle 30th birthday party.
(Doesn't it sound like fun? Don't you wish you were there? As soon as sis was too drunk to notice, we snuck off to 80's flashback goth night, where we had a lot more fun).
Suffice it to say, I owe her big time, so I am going.
I bought a Little People Fire Engine and the expansion People Pack, featuring Fireman Jose (who has a highly entertaining handlebar moustache) and his Trusty Dalmatian, Freckles.
There had damn well better be cupcakes.
3 comments:
I've been wondering just where the mythical fertility inducing water fountain is. Since you have found it, would you kindly send me a bottle?
Hope your attendance at the birthday party went well.
I'm with Chris on this, I think you can work there AND make extra cash on the side selling "THE WATER" from the waterfountain of fertiltiy. hook a sista up.
ANd so sorry bout the party, can you show up as a drunk family member? Every party needs one of those?
Ladies, I am fully willing and able to send out water from the Fertility Fountain to all and sundry.
I'll be the guinea pig, but if it works, I'll even give you both a freebie and pay for the shipping! :)
Post a Comment