Today as I left one of the schools I was working at, I saw a mom (actually someone I am familiar with) walking towards the minivan with two of her three kids. The two older ones were walking along obediently. The youngest girl, who is about four, was trailing along behind, and screaming like a scalded cat.
Everyone was looking to see where the noise was coming from. And Mom was alternately calling, "Olivia, come on honey, hurry up!" and "OLIVIA MAY! Get over here right NOW, young lady!"
Olivia evidently had gills, because I am not gonna lie- she never stopped for air once. The wailing was loud, unwavering, earsplitting, and unrelentless.
I was loading up my materials into my car, and mom turned to me, heaved a sigh of complete exasperation and exhaustion, and shrugged her shoulders at me weakly as the other kids climbed into her car.
I smiled. "I guess someone's having a bad day!"
"Not just HER..." said mom, darkly. "Seriously, I am at my wit's end. Do you want to take her home with you?"
Obviously, I know that this is a joke. However, this comment has been made to me so many times, by people who know I am childless...and I am just guessing that they think that my childlessness is a choice?
Because if they knew I was infertile, they'd realize how insensitive and callous such a joke would be. But they don't know. Because I am not wearing my big neon sign.
Usually, on days like today, I treat it like the joke it is, and I laugh.
The only time I haven't pulled it off is an occasion I still cringe to remember. We were at a big family gathering, it was late, everyone had had a lot to drink, and my cousins from out of state had just collected their two-year-old from a babysitter- we were all heading back to the hotel in a tram.
The little guy was fussing, and whining, and dumping over his mom's purse, and she turned to me and said, "That's it. Do you want a baby? He's going cheap. Actually, I might pay you to take him."
The Man was sitting next to me, and I swear, he totally stopped breathing. We both were so shellshocked, it was awkward, but I honestly couldn't think of anything that would be appropriate to say.
I could tell the next morning at breakfast that someone had clued my cousin and his wife in. They were both silent and uncomfortable in a way that bespoke something besides just being hung over.
Having gone through this, I don't ever think I would make a joke to anyone like that. I say this in my position of a woman who has never had to be responsible for someone throwing a screaming fit on the Barbie aisle in WalMart, but having gone through such difficulties to have a child....it just seems unfathomable to me.
How are you guys doing this week?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
I hate that joke, my sister would always say that to me years ago but that was before I started TTC. I haven't had anyone offer their child up to me lately although I was at a friend's wedding last weekend and a bridesmaid said "having babies will destroy your body". She doesn't know of my IF but I really wanted to say "I would LOVE to find out what having a baby would do to my body".
It's amazing what people will say.
THat joke is never really funny to me either - nor do i consider it a joke ..as for my week. it was good ,, then i stopped breathing for a few hours today and decided to be taken over by crappy feelings .. now I'm back... Hope you have a great weekend
So not a joke. Sorry those comments also seem to sneak up on us
You write about things that I have problems expressing to people around me. I love reading what you write and knowing I am not alone dealing with stuff like this.
I have had a friend tell me three times so far that my hubby and I had almost had her kid because she was fed up of her screaming fit. Twice I maintained a stony silence the third time I just walked away while she was mid sentence.
How insensitive can people get? This is from a person who knows that I have been through plenty of treatment cycles and I hurt like hell.
Thanks for sharing Jenna.
I never get used to such flippant stupidity. Even when I am not as patient as I want to be with my child, she is such a miracle and a gift that I too couldn't fathom such a remark. Maybe infertiles just become wired a bit differently. Bless you for holding it together. Sometimes, I admit, when someone snarks a comment that borders on complaint, even if they are trying to be funny... I look at them with the utmost seriousness and composure and say "you have no idea how blessed you are," then I walk away.
Those comments sure do hurt. I've gotten it before too, and I usually end up staring dumbfounded for a moment. I already feel sorry for the next person who says it to me. I'm going to just go off . . .
As for what I'm doing, still taking it easy and hoping for good things next Saturday.
All of our friends know what we are going through. Two of the couples have been through it with us since the very beginning and both have children. And both of them pull that crap on us all of the time. Just last weekend, we went to dinner with one of the couples, and their son wasn't feeling well, so he cried at the restaurant. The husband looked and me and said, "Sure you don't want him?" I looked at him directly in the eye and said, "I'll take him. Anytime. We now know a really good adoption attorney who can make this happen." This is going to become my standard response.
I agree with PP - that joke is NEVER funny under any circumstances. I haven't had to endure that one lately so I'm considering myself lucky. So sorry you had to hear that mess.
And now I have the Red Hot Chili Peppers stuck in head. Thanks, Jenna! LOL
Post a Comment