Evidently, I made it through Halloween, Election day, and a bunch of other stuff. It's been a strange, long, teary blur. I haven't had a lot to say about it. What on earth can I say, that hasn't been said already?
I called my sister, and said she should do this for herself, but I didn't feel comfortable putting her in the middle of this mess I am in. All I want is to get off this roller coaster, and if my sister is involved, who knows if it will ever end? Maybe I will change my mind eventually. But right now, it's just how I feel.
I called the other clinic for a second opinion, and was told that Dr. Charming's diagnosis is correct- I would probably need donor eggs to get pregnant. Oh, and if I want a better chance, I might try losing some weight. Would weight loss lower my AMH or change any of my lab values? I asked. Well- no. But statistically, heavier ladies have a harder time getting pregnant. Maybe I should try eating less fast food.
Thanks, asshole. The last time I ate fast food was...over a year ago? Maybe? I have gotten to the point where I don't even bother trying to explain- it all sounds like lies and excuses to them. Luckily it was a phone interview, or I would have had to set something on fire.
So now, I am basically stuck. My last hopes of doing this on my own are gone. I am out of options, at least any that I want to consider. I suppose all I have in the world is time. Even women who are post-menopausal can get pregnant with donor eggs.
I am 37 right now, I'll be 38 in a little over a week, and I just feel like an empty husk.
Showing posts with label hocus pocus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hocus pocus. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Holding pattern
It looks like it is going to be a frustrating month.
Per wand and blood results, my cycle has stalled out. I am probably looking at a 40 day cycle- or more, as opposed to my usual 28. I am sure that the crazy drugs I took last month have something to do with this, since I am usually like clockwork.
I've been moody, and occasionally weepy, but not crazy- trying to get as organized as I can until we move. Trying to ignore the babies everywhere. Someone brought their new bundle of joy into Dr. Charming's office for him to see- one of "his" babies. I walked into the waiting room and encountered them, right after I got the news that none of the drugs were working on me. My reaction was not good.
I am trying desperately not to panic. My time in the Bay Area- and thus with this doctor- is running out. The Man hasn't found a job, and is defensive and angry when the subject comes up. All can think is that hopefully there will be some kind of last-second miracle. This situation included. If I could afford to wait on IVF, I would, but it's clear that we can't afford to put it off any longer.
Evidently, stress can mess up your cycle too. Good to know.
I go in again on Thursday. Hopefully something will be percolating soon. Both in my interior regions and in other aspects of my life.
Per wand and blood results, my cycle has stalled out. I am probably looking at a 40 day cycle- or more, as opposed to my usual 28. I am sure that the crazy drugs I took last month have something to do with this, since I am usually like clockwork.
I've been moody, and occasionally weepy, but not crazy- trying to get as organized as I can until we move. Trying to ignore the babies everywhere. Someone brought their new bundle of joy into Dr. Charming's office for him to see- one of "his" babies. I walked into the waiting room and encountered them, right after I got the news that none of the drugs were working on me. My reaction was not good.
I am trying desperately not to panic. My time in the Bay Area- and thus with this doctor- is running out. The Man hasn't found a job, and is defensive and angry when the subject comes up. All can think is that hopefully there will be some kind of last-second miracle. This situation included. If I could afford to wait on IVF, I would, but it's clear that we can't afford to put it off any longer.
Evidently, stress can mess up your cycle too. Good to know.
I go in again on Thursday. Hopefully something will be percolating soon. Both in my interior regions and in other aspects of my life.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
All in all it's just- another shot in the gut.
Oh Cetritide! It burns us, my precious.
Just got back from my ultrasound. Lefty came up with a 14, and Righty actually coughed up something: a teensy 7, but I will take it. I may have uttered a tiny "Gooo Righty!" when it popped up on the ultrasound monitor. Which, of course, everyone finds amusing.
So, now we are trying to decide what to do. I just gave myself the burny Cetritide shot, so I will impede ovulation, and give the follies a few days to get their act together. Dr. Charming said he saw several smaller follicles as well, which may be noteworthy later, but didn't want to poke around any further. (Getting a peek at that follicle on Righty was stressful for all of us.) So right now, it's still all about that one follicle on the left.
We had a little chat, and my options are as follows.
A. Go ahead with this cycle, in the understanding that it's got to be "The Little Ovum That Could". Be prepared for many Highlander quotes. "There can be ONLY ONE!!!"
B. Quit. Cancel cycle, start over next month.
C. Pursue a Natural Cycle IVF approach. Get me off drugs, collect the egg or two I make on my own every month, and put them on ice (flash vitrification!) until we have a few of them. Then do IVF. I asked about risk to egg quality, and he said it's about 10%.
D. Donor eggs. Still not ready to accept that one.
E.Killing spree. Wait to see how things look on Friday. If I have two viable follicles, go with option A. If I just have one, Option C.
Based on personal feelings and discussions with The Man, it's looking like E- "Some of the Above" is the answer, at least right now. Actually, The Man REALLY likes Option C. Possibly because Dr. Charming used the words: "Flash vitrification is like Star Wars- you know, when Han Solo gets frozen in Carbonite?" I guess he knows his audience.
Just got back from my ultrasound. Lefty came up with a 14, and Righty actually coughed up something: a teensy 7, but I will take it. I may have uttered a tiny "Gooo Righty!" when it popped up on the ultrasound monitor. Which, of course, everyone finds amusing.
So, now we are trying to decide what to do. I just gave myself the burny Cetritide shot, so I will impede ovulation, and give the follies a few days to get their act together. Dr. Charming said he saw several smaller follicles as well, which may be noteworthy later, but didn't want to poke around any further. (Getting a peek at that follicle on Righty was stressful for all of us.) So right now, it's still all about that one follicle on the left.
We had a little chat, and my options are as follows.
A. Go ahead with this cycle, in the understanding that it's got to be "The Little Ovum That Could". Be prepared for many Highlander quotes. "There can be ONLY ONE!!!"
B. Quit. Cancel cycle, start over next month.
C. Pursue a Natural Cycle IVF approach. Get me off drugs, collect the egg or two I make on my own every month, and put them on ice (flash vitrification!) until we have a few of them. Then do IVF. I asked about risk to egg quality, and he said it's about 10%.
D. Donor eggs. Still not ready to accept that one.
E.
Based on personal feelings and discussions with The Man, it's looking like E- "Some of the Above" is the answer, at least right now. Actually, The Man REALLY likes Option C. Possibly because Dr. Charming used the words: "Flash vitrification is like Star Wars- you know, when Han Solo gets frozen in Carbonite?" I guess he knows his audience.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
The Gambler
Freedom Fertility Pharmacy called me today.
Actually, a robot called me, technically.
"Hello, this is FFP, we got a call from your doctor ordering your medication! Please hold for a specialist!"
Then some helpful tips, then ringing. And then the robot again.
"We're sorry, all of our specialists are busy right now. Please call us at (number) at a later time of your convenience. Thank you!" *click*
WTF?!!!!
So I called back, and talked (as I always do when dealing with Freedom) to a very nice woman, who read a bewildering list of medications off to me. Some of these I have dealt with before, but most of them, I haven't. Cetritide! Doxycycline! Gonal-F! MenoPur! Novarel! Endometrin!!!! (Please don't make me go crazy, hormones, PLEASE.)
My mother, bless her, had told me to put the meds on her credit card. I have done this before, so I was expecting a big number. I think my last round (an IUI) it was close to $2000.
"OK- let me add this all up!" said the nice woman on the phone with the MA accent (an accent that I, strangely, love).
"That will be $4372.30."
That sound you just heard was my brain exploding. She helpfully told me I could go onto their website and get a web quote, which would save us $100. I asked her to freeze the order. I had to call Mom and let her know what was coming- and also call The Man, to see if we could subsidize some of this.
While saving $100 is better than a sharp stick in the eye, it seemed almost ridiculously meager, in the grand scheme of things. I called my mom, and explained, I called The Man and explained. Mom still wants me to use her card. What she said is: "Well, people take money like that to Vegas, and they gamble, and lose it all- for nothing That's not what you're doing here. You have a goal. I want you to be able to achieve your goal." I still feel amazingly guilty.
I forgot what this was like. Costs add up in excruciating fashion, and our insurance covers none of it. So far, we are out doctor and exam fees at two clinics, the cost of my testing, the cost of The Man's testing, and we haven't even gotten to the stuff covered in the outline that the R.E.'s office gives you, which explains what you will be billed for. That's another hefty chunk, but at least is something we budgeted for. Of course, medication is not included.
Getting stressed out is supposed to be counter-productive to this process working. So I got off the phone, clicked around on the website, got my $100 off, and called back.
As fate would have it, I got Sandy, who was super-talkative. She heard my parrot in the background, and started asking all kinds of questions. She applied my credit, postponed my shipment (we still have a slim chance this month- if I do manage to do this on my own, being stuck with $4372.30 worth of unnecessary meds would not be fun), made sure I was getting a rebate on my Gonal-F, and closed with, "Well, what's your birdie's name?"
"Vegas," I said.
"Well, you enjoy your day hon- good luck to you, and have fun gambling with Vegas!" she teased.
I guess you can look at it that way- I am gambling. As someone who is not a gambler by nature, this is terrifying. I really hope I don't lose it all.
Actually, a robot called me, technically.
"Hello, this is FFP, we got a call from your doctor ordering your medication! Please hold for a specialist!"
Then some helpful tips, then ringing. And then the robot again.
"We're sorry, all of our specialists are busy right now. Please call us at (number) at a later time of your convenience. Thank you!" *click*
WTF?!!!!
So I called back, and talked (as I always do when dealing with Freedom) to a very nice woman, who read a bewildering list of medications off to me. Some of these I have dealt with before, but most of them, I haven't. Cetritide! Doxycycline! Gonal-F! MenoPur! Novarel! Endometrin!!!! (Please don't make me go crazy, hormones, PLEASE.)
My mother, bless her, had told me to put the meds on her credit card. I have done this before, so I was expecting a big number. I think my last round (an IUI) it was close to $2000.
"OK- let me add this all up!" said the nice woman on the phone with the MA accent (an accent that I, strangely, love).
"That will be $4372.30."
That sound you just heard was my brain exploding. She helpfully told me I could go onto their website and get a web quote, which would save us $100. I asked her to freeze the order. I had to call Mom and let her know what was coming- and also call The Man, to see if we could subsidize some of this.
While saving $100 is better than a sharp stick in the eye, it seemed almost ridiculously meager, in the grand scheme of things. I called my mom, and explained, I called The Man and explained. Mom still wants me to use her card. What she said is: "Well, people take money like that to Vegas, and they gamble, and lose it all- for nothing That's not what you're doing here. You have a goal. I want you to be able to achieve your goal." I still feel amazingly guilty.
I forgot what this was like. Costs add up in excruciating fashion, and our insurance covers none of it. So far, we are out doctor and exam fees at two clinics, the cost of my testing, the cost of The Man's testing, and we haven't even gotten to the stuff covered in the outline that the R.E.'s office gives you, which explains what you will be billed for. That's another hefty chunk, but at least is something we budgeted for. Of course, medication is not included.
Getting stressed out is supposed to be counter-productive to this process working. So I got off the phone, clicked around on the website, got my $100 off, and called back.
As fate would have it, I got Sandy, who was super-talkative. She heard my parrot in the background, and started asking all kinds of questions. She applied my credit, postponed my shipment (we still have a slim chance this month- if I do manage to do this on my own, being stuck with $4372.30 worth of unnecessary meds would not be fun), made sure I was getting a rebate on my Gonal-F, and closed with, "Well, what's your birdie's name?"
"Vegas," I said.
"Well, you enjoy your day hon- good luck to you, and have fun gambling with Vegas!" she teased.
I guess you can look at it that way- I am gambling. As someone who is not a gambler by nature, this is terrifying. I really hope I don't lose it all.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Meditations on a To-Do List
#1 is, I shit you not, "Drop spit off at the Rite Aid."
I should probably explain this.
My R.E. handed me a blue box when I was there, and explained that I needed to take a saliva sample and send it in. The company name is Counsyl, and it offers preventive genetic testing for- well, actually, a pretty amazing rate. It's $350 or so with no insurance, but hopefully Kaiser will absorb $250 of it or so.
I mean: let's face it, they have samples of pretty much every other bodily fluid I can produce. Why not saliva too?! So I have a vial of spit- inside a bag, inside a box, inside a FexEx medical sample pouch. Evidently asking FexEx to pick something up requires credit card info, so I will be schlepping it to the drop-off center at the Rite Aid down the street.
In other news, I haven't grown those furry epaulettes I worried about yet. However, I am only administering 1 pump of the gel, which (now that I can bring myself to look at the bottle) is only 25% of the usual minimum manly dose. And this kind of makes me wonder- the guy instructions are to apply to the shoulders and: I think, the sides of the body? One pump handily douses both my shoulders. The thought of having to find enough surface area to accommodate four pumps of that stuff is a bit daunting. So I am relieved, but now off on a completely different mental tangent.
I do think the gel is to blame for a couple of new developments: namely, attractive hormonal acne that is forming around my mouth in a telltale circular fashion, and the fact that I am tired. Neither of those things are very welcome. But there are good things: I think it's doing some kind of number on my metabolism. It makes me wonder if my big problem this whole time has been some kind of hormonal imbalance. It's also working the way the R.E. wanted it to. I am getting sharp pings on the left and the right this month, so the ol' ovaries are both evidently cooking something up.
As my AMH and FSH values flag me as a potentially poor responder to drugs, this is amazing news. Hopefully, it is not all in my head. I am also worried because I got a high temperature this morning- which, if it continues, will mean I ovulated early. Which is good news in a way- my IVF cycle will start sooner than I had hoped! But bad news because they may need to add another drug to my protocol to keep me on schedule.
Since I used an OPK kit yesterday and got a "No Way Jose", I am either worrying about nothing- or I tested too late (on Day 10! Whaaaaat?!) and missed the LH surge. Unlikely, but possible. I am also not experiencing the crippling back pain of my last cycle- I could tell you the minute ovulation occurred, because I was hobbling around like Quasimodo. It got more bearable, but was still present for the rest of my cycle. I hope it isn't like that this time around- I have to get stuff done!
I should probably explain this.
My R.E. handed me a blue box when I was there, and explained that I needed to take a saliva sample and send it in. The company name is Counsyl, and it offers preventive genetic testing for- well, actually, a pretty amazing rate. It's $350 or so with no insurance, but hopefully Kaiser will absorb $250 of it or so.
I mean: let's face it, they have samples of pretty much every other bodily fluid I can produce. Why not saliva too?! So I have a vial of spit- inside a bag, inside a box, inside a FexEx medical sample pouch. Evidently asking FexEx to pick something up requires credit card info, so I will be schlepping it to the drop-off center at the Rite Aid down the street.
In other news, I haven't grown those furry epaulettes I worried about yet. However, I am only administering 1 pump of the gel, which (now that I can bring myself to look at the bottle) is only 25% of the usual minimum manly dose. And this kind of makes me wonder- the guy instructions are to apply to the shoulders and: I think, the sides of the body? One pump handily douses both my shoulders. The thought of having to find enough surface area to accommodate four pumps of that stuff is a bit daunting. So I am relieved, but now off on a completely different mental tangent.
I do think the gel is to blame for a couple of new developments: namely, attractive hormonal acne that is forming around my mouth in a telltale circular fashion, and the fact that I am tired. Neither of those things are very welcome. But there are good things: I think it's doing some kind of number on my metabolism. It makes me wonder if my big problem this whole time has been some kind of hormonal imbalance. It's also working the way the R.E. wanted it to. I am getting sharp pings on the left and the right this month, so the ol' ovaries are both evidently cooking something up.
As my AMH and FSH values flag me as a potentially poor responder to drugs, this is amazing news. Hopefully, it is not all in my head. I am also worried because I got a high temperature this morning- which, if it continues, will mean I ovulated early. Which is good news in a way- my IVF cycle will start sooner than I had hoped! But bad news because they may need to add another drug to my protocol to keep me on schedule.
Since I used an OPK kit yesterday and got a "No Way Jose", I am either worrying about nothing- or I tested too late (on Day 10! Whaaaaat?!) and missed the LH surge. Unlikely, but possible. I am also not experiencing the crippling back pain of my last cycle- I could tell you the minute ovulation occurred, because I was hobbling around like Quasimodo. It got more bearable, but was still present for the rest of my cycle. I hope it isn't like that this time around- I have to get stuff done!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Charting a course
I haven't had much to say: this feels very different from the last go-round. I did go in for tests on my thyroid, and everything is ok. The acupuncturist and I have been worried, because my morning temps when I am charting can get REALLY low (like down into "95 degrees" low) and they fluctuate a lot: although I am happy to report, it looks like I am now ovulating on Day 14 (one chart's worth of evidence) and it ALSO looks like my short luteal phase is no longer short! That's just a guess at the moment, but I feel pretty confident about it.
As Mr. Acupuncture is not happy with newfangled digital thermometers, I have ordered a glass version from Amazon. I have been keeping my feet warm, avoiding alcohol, caffeine, and dairy (chocolate is another story: sigh) I have been obediently taking my "Warm The Mansion" pills, and fish oil, my new Prenatal vitamins should also be arriving soon to replace the crappy Trader Joe's ones that make me barf occasionally....and I am trying not to panic. I am supposed to be going off to Mexico for a week, leaving next Saturday.
My chart went tri-phasic this week. Looking at it, it is pretty easy to see, even with the fluctuations. The "pregnant triphasic chart" example on Fertility friend looks eerily similar. I've told my BFF, and hinted to The Man, although I don't want to say anything definitive, as he will not let me go on the trip. But!!!! The possibility is there. Of course, it's one of those "hindsight is 20-20 signs", but I don't remember seeing anything like it, back when I was charting before. So worst scenario: my body has repaired itself. Best scenario: I don't even have the courage to type it.
As Mr. Acupuncture is not happy with newfangled digital thermometers, I have ordered a glass version from Amazon. I have been keeping my feet warm, avoiding alcohol, caffeine, and dairy (chocolate is another story: sigh) I have been obediently taking my "Warm The Mansion" pills, and fish oil, my new Prenatal vitamins should also be arriving soon to replace the crappy Trader Joe's ones that make me barf occasionally....and I am trying not to panic. I am supposed to be going off to Mexico for a week, leaving next Saturday.
My chart went tri-phasic this week. Looking at it, it is pretty easy to see, even with the fluctuations. The "pregnant triphasic chart" example on Fertility friend looks eerily similar. I've told my BFF, and hinted to The Man, although I don't want to say anything definitive, as he will not let me go on the trip. But!!!! The possibility is there. Of course, it's one of those "hindsight is 20-20 signs", but I don't remember seeing anything like it, back when I was charting before. So worst scenario: my body has repaired itself. Best scenario: I don't even have the courage to type it.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
The Aftermath
Regarding the advice from the psychic, you guys are right. It was a ridiculous amount of info to take in (and I actually spared you guys a lot of it!). I am still turning it over in my mind.
I think I have decided not to pursue IVF in January.
There are a couple of reasons for this, not just because (as my husband teased) "Some guy with a deck of cards told you not to."
I have not heard back from my parents re: helping out. My doctor's consult is this Friday. While I was in SF, my sister told me they had decided to help me, because "mom mentioned it when they talked on the phone last week."
Ok, back up...they haven't said one damn thing to me about it. My emotions connected with that are pretty complicated, but what should sum it up is a conversation I had with The Man after going out to dinner with my parents and my aunt last week.
First of all, the dinner was horrible. It started out with dad asking me if I had darkened my hair.
Me: Yes.
Silence.
Me: Do you have any objective commentary?
Dad: Um, no, not really.
The whole dinner was like that. To me, it just seemed to exemplify everything about my relationship with my parents and their relationship with each other that I can't stand. Plus the service was just...abysmal, which didn't help.
In the car on the way home, fueled by one really bad mixed drink, I just kind of exploded.
"You know what really bugs the crap out of me? " I spluttered. "Your parents? I don't always get along with them. But if we asked them for help with something like this, they would have gotten together, looked at their finances, and either said "Yes, we can help you," or "Sorry, we're broke," and I would have just been able to accept that and move on. My parents still haven't give me a straight answer, and they have just left us dangling for over a month now! And it's not because they don't want to help. I think it's because I asked for something, and by God ,they are going to hold this over my head, because they like the feeling of having power over us!!!!!"
Now that I am a little calmer, I have some more perspective on it, but seriously. They know how depressed, how upset, how frantic I have been. I wish they would just put me out my misery. The worst part? I suspect they want to make it a birthday surprise or something. Is there a Hallmark card for that occasion?
My sister and I had a great conversation about this. My parents like to give gifts, and then apply conditions to them. They think this is motivational. I think it is manipulative, and over time, it has made me paranoid. I have spent the last month envisioning, "If you lose 70 lbs, we will pay for IVF!" conversations.
I expressed this to my sister, and she kind of pooh poohed it. Then we both made each other laugh by making up ridiculous scenarios.
"If the IVF is successful, you have to turn the child over to us, so we can raise it as our own!"
"If you get pregnant, you will have to stay in Fresno FOREVER!"
"On her 16th birthday, the child will prick her finger on a spindle and fall into an enchanted sleep!"
Things like that.
So, with the financial thing being up in the air, the other factor is, I finally feel like myself again. For the first time in over a year. I don't have crazy hormones flooding my system, and I'm not so depressed that it's hard to get out of bed, and I have to admit that a lot of it is because some crazy guy with a deck of cards just told me that it WILL happen, and that is enough for me.
In other news:
AF was supposed to arrive on Halloween, and as of yesterday morning, she still had not shown up. I woke up, stumbled to the bathroom bleary eyed, to POAS. When my husband asked what was up, I told him, and added, "I know it will be negative, I am just doing it, because then my period will start."
So of course AF showed up yesterday afternoon, and now The Man is jokingly adamant that I am never POAS-ing again, so he can have "unrestricted access." (yes, he is a dork.)
Happy Tuesday ladies!
I think I have decided not to pursue IVF in January.
There are a couple of reasons for this, not just because (as my husband teased) "Some guy with a deck of cards told you not to."
I have not heard back from my parents re: helping out. My doctor's consult is this Friday. While I was in SF, my sister told me they had decided to help me, because "mom mentioned it when they talked on the phone last week."
Ok, back up...they haven't said one damn thing to me about it. My emotions connected with that are pretty complicated, but what should sum it up is a conversation I had with The Man after going out to dinner with my parents and my aunt last week.
First of all, the dinner was horrible. It started out with dad asking me if I had darkened my hair.
Me: Yes.
Silence.
Me: Do you have any objective commentary?
Dad: Um, no, not really.
The whole dinner was like that. To me, it just seemed to exemplify everything about my relationship with my parents and their relationship with each other that I can't stand. Plus the service was just...abysmal, which didn't help.
In the car on the way home, fueled by one really bad mixed drink, I just kind of exploded.
"You know what really bugs the crap out of me? " I spluttered. "Your parents? I don't always get along with them. But if we asked them for help with something like this, they would have gotten together, looked at their finances, and either said "Yes, we can help you," or "Sorry, we're broke," and I would have just been able to accept that and move on. My parents still haven't give me a straight answer, and they have just left us dangling for over a month now! And it's not because they don't want to help. I think it's because I asked for something, and by God ,they are going to hold this over my head, because they like the feeling of having power over us!!!!!"
Now that I am a little calmer, I have some more perspective on it, but seriously. They know how depressed, how upset, how frantic I have been. I wish they would just put me out my misery. The worst part? I suspect they want to make it a birthday surprise or something. Is there a Hallmark card for that occasion?
My sister and I had a great conversation about this. My parents like to give gifts, and then apply conditions to them. They think this is motivational. I think it is manipulative, and over time, it has made me paranoid. I have spent the last month envisioning, "If you lose 70 lbs, we will pay for IVF!" conversations.
I expressed this to my sister, and she kind of pooh poohed it. Then we both made each other laugh by making up ridiculous scenarios.
"If the IVF is successful, you have to turn the child over to us, so we can raise it as our own!"
"If you get pregnant, you will have to stay in Fresno FOREVER!"
"On her 16th birthday, the child will prick her finger on a spindle and fall into an enchanted sleep!"
Things like that.
So, with the financial thing being up in the air, the other factor is, I finally feel like myself again. For the first time in over a year. I don't have crazy hormones flooding my system, and I'm not so depressed that it's hard to get out of bed, and I have to admit that a lot of it is because some crazy guy with a deck of cards just told me that it WILL happen, and that is enough for me.
In other news:
AF was supposed to arrive on Halloween, and as of yesterday morning, she still had not shown up. I woke up, stumbled to the bathroom bleary eyed, to POAS. When my husband asked what was up, I told him, and added, "I know it will be negative, I am just doing it, because then my period will start."
So of course AF showed up yesterday afternoon, and now The Man is jokingly adamant that I am never POAS-ing again, so he can have "unrestricted access." (yes, he is a dork.)
Happy Tuesday ladies!
Monday, November 5, 2007
Notes from The Great Beyond, Continued.
If you haven't read the first part of this, you should probably check it out here.
If my writing sounds stilted, it's because English is not this guy's first language. While, I think he is German or Austrian, not Italian, he reminded me of no one so much as Bruno Tomnioli, the crazy judge from Dancing With The Stars, maybe because he uses incredibly offbeat metaphors. He also gave off a kind of...ahem, Eurotrash vibe- longish hair, little mod boots that zipped up the sides. He fidgeted a lot, with the zippers on his boots, with the tape recorder, with his slim-cut jacket.
It came time to stop the freestyle reading, where he just blurted things out at me. We went into future predictions. I chose cards, and he interpreted them for me.
"Yes, Jenna, you are definitely going to be a mother soon." he said. "Motherhood is in your aura, and the soul of your child is already out there waiting to be born. Definitely a mother once, before 35, maybe twice, although that will be up to you. I don't see you being satisfied without having some kind of career. I am not saying that you will not have two, but it's up in the air depending on what you decide. You are a person who will pour everything into your children. You will feel that it would not be fair to have a new baby when you will be so focused on career. "
Ooooookay. At this point, my hopes were up incredibly high, and he just lost me. This was a bit too new-agey for me to handle. Also, it didn't sound like me, but then, I am not focused on career yet. However, I guess the reason that he tells you crazy things that you already know about yourself at the very beginning is that when he gets out there like this, you think, "Well, he was right about this other stuff. Maybe I should give him a chance."
There was a long silence. "Allright." I said. He smiled, and just looked at me.
"Your child will be a boy," he said. "You will know, even before he is born that he is going to be a big, robust, and ACTIVE child!" At this point, he burst into peals of laughter, and my heart quailed within me.
As a child, The Man was a menace. I hear stories of his shenanigans all the time Not to mention huge- as an adult, he's about 6'5", compared to my modest 5'7". And was in the 99th percentile for head size at birth, as my MIL likes to remind me constantly. I suddenly realized that I had started mentally turning over becoming more charitable about the idea of a c-section.
"Your child will be driven...so bright! And athletic. He will excel at sports...more than one. Colleges will fight over him."
Holy crap!
I always always always have said that if I had a kid like The Man, I would make sure he was active in sports, to keep him or her focused and on the rails. Part of me was thinking this, and the other part just kept muttering, "This has to be a fairy tale. This is too perfect to be true."
He continued, "You and your husband are the best possible parents for this child. Your parents were not right for you, his were," (at this point, he threw his hands up in the air) "just AWFUL!"
He stopped short and said, "Your husband is fortunate in his choice of a wife. He knows how much. Most women would have looked at his parents and either shut down or run away. You can only deal with such people by digging in and standing your ground, and you are such a very unusual combination- so sensitive, so diplomatic, but so hard-headed! And your husband is stubborn too. He had to be, to survive in that environment."
At that point, I burst into involuntary laughter. Right before The Man went overseas, we had just gotten married, and I had a blowout with his mom, over something that she had either mis-heard or completely imagined (what time we were going to be there for Thanksgiving). She ruined the holiday for everyone by acting like a lunatic. It ended with her telling my husband that his family was more important than his wife. She demanded an apology from me, and I was pushed to my limit. I refused to give her one. I said I would apologize for the misunderstanding, and she refused to acknowledge that there was one. So I didn't talk to his family the whole time The Man was overseas, and even beyond....almost a year.
This is getting unbearably long. Let me get to the weirdest part.
I asked about children again. Specifically, when? He shook his head.
"Soon. Not tomorrow....that would be miserable for you. You are not in the right phase to have children, not yet. It is not about time, it is about timing. I do not see it happening until after you move. You're in a stagnant environment, it is becoming toxic. It is not time for a baby yet. You have had these thoughts yourself. You will not have a baby until you leave this environment.
Then he said something that really pissed me off. "Once you are in the right place, in the right environment, there should be no problem having your son. I don't think you'll need to try for two years to have your son." He snapped his fingers. "Like that."
At this point, I kind of erupted out, "We have been trying for five years, and nothing has worked!"
He shook his head. "You are both so healthy. There's nothing biologically wrong with either of you. I don't see falling pregnant even being an issue for you. But it isn't going to happen until you move."
He paused. "Have you seen specialists?" I nodded. "Do they have any ideas, solutions? Extra fertilizer so something? "
Well....no, they don't.
I shook my head, and he smiled indulgently. "The reason they can't figure out what is wrong, is because there is nothing they can do about it. It is something you need to do. Remember, timing, not time. Stop worrying about your age. You are so young! It's more about where you are mentally than what the calendar says. And until you move, you will not be in the right place to have children."
There was a lot more about career, and about my family. He closed with, "Make sure you drink more water. You've been bad about that lately."
Well.....it's true! I have.
I am not sure how I feel. Skeptical? Oh yes, that's there. But the agonizing "What if''s" seem to have been quelled, at least for now.
I told The Man about it, and he thinks that I am nuts, but is glad that I feel better.
What do you guys think?
If my writing sounds stilted, it's because English is not this guy's first language. While, I think he is German or Austrian, not Italian, he reminded me of no one so much as Bruno Tomnioli, the crazy judge from Dancing With The Stars, maybe because he uses incredibly offbeat metaphors. He also gave off a kind of...ahem, Eurotrash vibe- longish hair, little mod boots that zipped up the sides. He fidgeted a lot, with the zippers on his boots, with the tape recorder, with his slim-cut jacket.
It came time to stop the freestyle reading, where he just blurted things out at me. We went into future predictions. I chose cards, and he interpreted them for me.
"Yes, Jenna, you are definitely going to be a mother soon." he said. "Motherhood is in your aura, and the soul of your child is already out there waiting to be born. Definitely a mother once, before 35, maybe twice, although that will be up to you. I don't see you being satisfied without having some kind of career. I am not saying that you will not have two, but it's up in the air depending on what you decide. You are a person who will pour everything into your children. You will feel that it would not be fair to have a new baby when you will be so focused on career. "
Ooooookay. At this point, my hopes were up incredibly high, and he just lost me. This was a bit too new-agey for me to handle. Also, it didn't sound like me, but then, I am not focused on career yet. However, I guess the reason that he tells you crazy things that you already know about yourself at the very beginning is that when he gets out there like this, you think, "Well, he was right about this other stuff. Maybe I should give him a chance."
There was a long silence. "Allright." I said. He smiled, and just looked at me.
"Your child will be a boy," he said. "You will know, even before he is born that he is going to be a big, robust, and ACTIVE child!" At this point, he burst into peals of laughter, and my heart quailed within me.
As a child, The Man was a menace. I hear stories of his shenanigans all the time Not to mention huge- as an adult, he's about 6'5", compared to my modest 5'7". And was in the 99th percentile for head size at birth, as my MIL likes to remind me constantly. I suddenly realized that I had started mentally turning over becoming more charitable about the idea of a c-section.
"Your child will be driven...so bright! And athletic. He will excel at sports...more than one. Colleges will fight over him."
Holy crap!
I always always always have said that if I had a kid like The Man, I would make sure he was active in sports, to keep him or her focused and on the rails. Part of me was thinking this, and the other part just kept muttering, "This has to be a fairy tale. This is too perfect to be true."
He continued, "You and your husband are the best possible parents for this child. Your parents were not right for you, his were," (at this point, he threw his hands up in the air) "just AWFUL!"
He stopped short and said, "Your husband is fortunate in his choice of a wife. He knows how much. Most women would have looked at his parents and either shut down or run away. You can only deal with such people by digging in and standing your ground, and you are such a very unusual combination- so sensitive, so diplomatic, but so hard-headed! And your husband is stubborn too. He had to be, to survive in that environment."
At that point, I burst into involuntary laughter. Right before The Man went overseas, we had just gotten married, and I had a blowout with his mom, over something that she had either mis-heard or completely imagined (what time we were going to be there for Thanksgiving). She ruined the holiday for everyone by acting like a lunatic. It ended with her telling my husband that his family was more important than his wife. She demanded an apology from me, and I was pushed to my limit. I refused to give her one. I said I would apologize for the misunderstanding, and she refused to acknowledge that there was one. So I didn't talk to his family the whole time The Man was overseas, and even beyond....almost a year.
This is getting unbearably long. Let me get to the weirdest part.
I asked about children again. Specifically, when? He shook his head.
"Soon. Not tomorrow....that would be miserable for you. You are not in the right phase to have children, not yet. It is not about time, it is about timing. I do not see it happening until after you move. You're in a stagnant environment, it is becoming toxic. It is not time for a baby yet. You have had these thoughts yourself. You will not have a baby until you leave this environment.
Then he said something that really pissed me off. "Once you are in the right place, in the right environment, there should be no problem having your son. I don't think you'll need to try for two years to have your son." He snapped his fingers. "Like that."
At this point, I kind of erupted out, "We have been trying for five years, and nothing has worked!"
He shook his head. "You are both so healthy. There's nothing biologically wrong with either of you. I don't see falling pregnant even being an issue for you. But it isn't going to happen until you move."
He paused. "Have you seen specialists?" I nodded. "Do they have any ideas, solutions? Extra fertilizer so something? "
Well....no, they don't.
I shook my head, and he smiled indulgently. "The reason they can't figure out what is wrong, is because there is nothing they can do about it. It is something you need to do. Remember, timing, not time. Stop worrying about your age. You are so young! It's more about where you are mentally than what the calendar says. And until you move, you will not be in the right place to have children."
There was a lot more about career, and about my family. He closed with, "Make sure you drink more water. You've been bad about that lately."
Well.....it's true! I have.
I am not sure how I feel. Skeptical? Oh yes, that's there. But the agonizing "What if''s" seem to have been quelled, at least for now.
I told The Man about it, and he thinks that I am nuts, but is glad that I feel better.
What do you guys think?
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Notes from the Great Beyond
Wow.
I have to say, my experience with a psychic was, in fact, pretty mindblowing.
He started talking as soon as I came into the room, and surprisingly, children didn't come up immediately. I gave him my birthdate, and he looked at it and kind of made an exclamation of surprise. (I checked with my sis later, and he didn't do this with her.)
"You are a force to be reckoned with," he said. "You go your own way, and you are a leader. You are a fierce and loyal friend, and also a formidable enemy. I would not want you to be angry with me! You are incredibly independent. The best way to keep you is to give you freedom and trust that you will come back. Your talents are diverse, so much so that you get distracted and lose focus. You are incredibly resourceful, and incredibly intimidating to people who do not know you well. You are an emotional person who doesn't like to show it. You wear your heart on your sleeve, and you wish you didn't. You can be strong for everyone except yourself."
So far, pretty accurate. It is hard to judge yourself, though. When I repeated it to my friends, though, they said things like, "Holy Crap. Who is this man, and how much did it cost? When can I see him?!!!"
I showed him a picture of my husband...and that's when I started to freak out.
"Your husband is in pain," he said. "Too much for someone his age. Has he had a back injury? He's let it go for a long time, and he needs to get it taken care of."
When The Man was stationed overseas, he was in the back seat of a Humvee. Driving through the desert, they took a bump too fast, and The Man hit his head so hard on the rollbar that he was knocked out. He woke up on a backboard at the medical tent. He's had back problems ever since, and no amount of nagging will help.
I just said, "Yes, he has back problems."
"Why are you so afraid to be a bitch?!" he asked. "You are in charge of this relationship. He will follow you." He paused and said, "2008 is going to be a huge year for you. If you are not considering moving yet, you should."
Another pause. "You need to be in a big city. You are stagnant where you are, and you need to have inspiration to live your life to the fullest."
Another pause. I think I said, "Okay."
"Make sure your husband knows that he is making this decision too. He is inclined to blame joint decisions on you, and it is because you are his motivation. He is less decisive than you are.Once you decide, you will jump. And he will have to jump after you, but it takes him longer to make up his mind." Another pause. "Sometimes, it is like you are a tugboat and he is an ocean liner. Once he gets going, it goes smoothly, but he needs that push, and the push comes from you. You provide the power and the momentum."
At this point, my mouth was dry. Because that is a frighteningly accurrate depiction of our relationship.
"Sometimes, you resent this relationship. Because you wonder how long you will have to pull, and you think that maybe doing this for your whole life might be too much. You are a very independant, magnetic person, and you worry that your passion for each other isn't what it should be. I see the two of you building...you have some block in your relationship that is causing you to pull back.By your mid-thirties, you will stop holding yourself back to much, and you will have the passion that you want."
He paused again. In between, I said a lot of "Okay's" and "Uh-huh's".
"Wow your husband has a crazy family!" Truer words were never spoken. "He has gone through some trauma, abusive parenting. He deals with depression, and it is hard for you to deal with. Sometimes you can pull him out of it, and sometimes you can't eventually, you will win out."
"Alcoholism runs in his family. It's in his blood. Someone close to him...a sibling? Has a problem with drinking." (His sister has had three DUI's and been to rehab.) He is prone to this too. Keep an eye on it. He could use this to mask what is wrong. He hates his job."
He continued,"Why do you worry so much about money?" (Hello! IVF! I thought, but did not say.) "Money is the curse of civilization. You should be comfortable about what you have. You and your husband are both very resourceful, very employable. I don't see you having money problems, particularly after the next year."
Then he said, "You are going to be a mother. At least once. Before the age of 35. You may have more than one."
OK guys, I am sorry, it's To Be Continued! I will post more tonight.
I am completely blown away.
I have to say, my experience with a psychic was, in fact, pretty mindblowing.
He started talking as soon as I came into the room, and surprisingly, children didn't come up immediately. I gave him my birthdate, and he looked at it and kind of made an exclamation of surprise. (I checked with my sis later, and he didn't do this with her.)
"You are a force to be reckoned with," he said. "You go your own way, and you are a leader. You are a fierce and loyal friend, and also a formidable enemy. I would not want you to be angry with me! You are incredibly independent. The best way to keep you is to give you freedom and trust that you will come back. Your talents are diverse, so much so that you get distracted and lose focus. You are incredibly resourceful, and incredibly intimidating to people who do not know you well. You are an emotional person who doesn't like to show it. You wear your heart on your sleeve, and you wish you didn't. You can be strong for everyone except yourself."
So far, pretty accurate. It is hard to judge yourself, though. When I repeated it to my friends, though, they said things like, "Holy Crap. Who is this man, and how much did it cost? When can I see him?!!!"
I showed him a picture of my husband...and that's when I started to freak out.
"Your husband is in pain," he said. "Too much for someone his age. Has he had a back injury? He's let it go for a long time, and he needs to get it taken care of."
When The Man was stationed overseas, he was in the back seat of a Humvee. Driving through the desert, they took a bump too fast, and The Man hit his head so hard on the rollbar that he was knocked out. He woke up on a backboard at the medical tent. He's had back problems ever since, and no amount of nagging will help.
I just said, "Yes, he has back problems."
"Why are you so afraid to be a bitch?!" he asked. "You are in charge of this relationship. He will follow you." He paused and said, "2008 is going to be a huge year for you. If you are not considering moving yet, you should."
Another pause. "You need to be in a big city. You are stagnant where you are, and you need to have inspiration to live your life to the fullest."
Another pause. I think I said, "Okay."
"Make sure your husband knows that he is making this decision too. He is inclined to blame joint decisions on you, and it is because you are his motivation. He is less decisive than you are.Once you decide, you will jump. And he will have to jump after you, but it takes him longer to make up his mind." Another pause. "Sometimes, it is like you are a tugboat and he is an ocean liner. Once he gets going, it goes smoothly, but he needs that push, and the push comes from you. You provide the power and the momentum."
At this point, my mouth was dry. Because that is a frighteningly accurrate depiction of our relationship.
"Sometimes, you resent this relationship. Because you wonder how long you will have to pull, and you think that maybe doing this for your whole life might be too much. You are a very independant, magnetic person, and you worry that your passion for each other isn't what it should be. I see the two of you building...you have some block in your relationship that is causing you to pull back.By your mid-thirties, you will stop holding yourself back to much, and you will have the passion that you want."
He paused again. In between, I said a lot of "Okay's" and "Uh-huh's".
"Wow your husband has a crazy family!" Truer words were never spoken. "He has gone through some trauma, abusive parenting. He deals with depression, and it is hard for you to deal with. Sometimes you can pull him out of it, and sometimes you can't eventually, you will win out."
"Alcoholism runs in his family. It's in his blood. Someone close to him...a sibling? Has a problem with drinking." (His sister has had three DUI's and been to rehab.) He is prone to this too. Keep an eye on it. He could use this to mask what is wrong. He hates his job."
He continued,"Why do you worry so much about money?" (Hello! IVF! I thought, but did not say.) "Money is the curse of civilization. You should be comfortable about what you have. You and your husband are both very resourceful, very employable. I don't see you having money problems, particularly after the next year."
Then he said, "You are going to be a mother. At least once. Before the age of 35. You may have more than one."
OK guys, I am sorry, it's To Be Continued! I will post more tonight.
I am completely blown away.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
I'm off to see the wizard...
And to enjoy the streets of SF. Here's wishing you guys a great weekend! I'll give an update as soon as I get back.
P.S. Saw my parents the other night...no word on financing. My appointment with the RE is on the 9th. I'm getting a little anxious.
P.P.S. AF due yesterday or today, but hasn't shown up. Huh.
P.S. Saw my parents the other night...no word on financing. My appointment with the RE is on the 9th. I'm getting a little anxious.
P.P.S. AF due yesterday or today, but hasn't shown up. Huh.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Your aura is pulsating dear...
I made an appointment with a psychic. Saturday, 7PM.
This is the e-mail I wrote to my sister- she has seen the guy before, so she would be in a position to tell me what's what.
_________
Her reply was that he is somewhere between A and B, which is good enough for me.
I am feeling hopeful, yet, also extremely skeptical. I am supposed to write down questions to ask, but my sister said he answered everything she wanted to know as soon as she walked in, she never even got a chance to ask.
I am supposed to bring a list of questions, a blank tape, pictures (?!) and of course, cold hard cash.
So. If you were going to a psychic...what would you ask?
This is the e-mail I wrote to my sister- she has seen the guy before, so she would be in a position to tell me what's what.
_________
Um, how specific is this guy? I am assuming that he’s a lot more accurate than, say, a Magic 8-ball.
So if I ask, “Am I ever going to be someone’s biological parent?” And the answer is an affirmative, would it be
- Spookily accurate. “Yes, you will have two boys and three girls, but you will have to use IVF and they will be quintuplets. Oh, and they will all be like your dad and your Mother-In Law, and you will end up in a mental institution.”
- Fairly accurate: “You will have kids by the time you are 40. I think I see three.”
- Reply hazy: Um, yeah. Definitely!
- Total crap: “You already have spiritual children, I can see them waiting for you in the beyond!”
Ok, I just wrote C. and D. to round it out. Don’t hate on me.
_________________________________
Her reply was that he is somewhere between A and B, which is good enough for me.
I am feeling hopeful, yet, also extremely skeptical. I am supposed to write down questions to ask, but my sister said he answered everything she wanted to know as soon as she walked in, she never even got a chance to ask.
I am supposed to bring a list of questions, a blank tape, pictures (?!) and of course, cold hard cash.
So. If you were going to a psychic...what would you ask?
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