Today was- well, basically, horrible. Just an FYI.
I went in. I met my anesthesiologist, made polite small talk, and tried not to freak out when he couldn't get the IV into my hand- it hurt like a mo-fo. He ended up using the site I had initially suggested- The "magical blue dot" on the inside of my right elbow hasn't failed me yet.
That's basically the last thing I remember- getting the IV situated, Dr. Charming coming in...and then I woke up, to see The Man and Dr. C, and knowing from the facial expressions that something was wrong.
I ovulated early. I went through anesthesia and the whole crapload, only to have them go in, and my egg had already flown the coop. Follicles on the right were too small to retrieve. So it was all a bust.
Dr. C had immediate suggestions, because of course, tears.
We could wait this cycle out, I could do an IUI...because after all, my husband's sample was really good. At which point I blurted out, "Because the problem is ME. I am the weak link here, right? I have had six medicated IUI's- none of them worked!" The worst part was seeing my husband's face, while he tried to hold on to my left hand- which wasn't swathed in gauze. And Dr. C said, "Well, we discussed donor eggs too. Maybe we should talk about that. What do you want to do?
And I, tear streaked and groggy on the table, nasal cannula still in, just started repeating, "I just want to go home. I just want to go home. I can't talk about this right now."
And Dr. C left the room, and my husband's face was so full of sorrow, and it was awful. While I processed all the money that had been wasted, in the form of drugs that didn't do what they were supposed to do, and the anesthesia which I went through for absolutely no reason. Which we will also have to pay for. And I was filled with such- loss. And fury. And incredible frustration.
The nurse came in, detached my cannula, and looked horrified when I ripped off the multiple layers of tape and bloody gauze from the initial IV site on my hand. It was obvious that I was developing a big purple swelling which would turn into a bruise the diameter of a silver dollar. She suggested that The Man would need to help me get dressed, as I would be wobbly. I waited until she was gone until I hopped off the table, fueled with adrenaline, and managed to get dressed with no assistance. Yet another indicator that I'm an alien- coming out of anesthesia like that is typical, for me.
I asked to speak with the doctor again. He said early ovulation is really rare. I asked why we hadn't done an ultrasound before surgery. I think he said that would be a good idea next time. We ended up deciding to just do an IUI, and hopefully catch the egg. I made a reference to sending in "Seal Team Six", which would mean that my uterus is Pakistan, and the egg is Osama Bin Laden, which really isn't as funny. And not accurate, as it is most likely "Seal Team 100 Million."
They told us that we should come back in 30 minutes for my IUI. All I could think of wanting to eat was a Chai Frappuccino- which isn't Paleo, but I think on a day like this, I am entitled.
So yeah. We got Frappuccinos and did our seventh medicated IUI. The Man held my hand. I have pretty much been ok and resting quietly in bed today, aside from a few bouts of teariness and the requisite update calls to Mom. And my acupuncturist. I am taking herbs that should improve the likelihood of fertilization and implantation. We will see.
I did some online research. That trigger shot is supposed to work in 36-48 hours, but some women ovulate up to 12 hours earlier. I just got lucky, I guess.
So, against all our plans, the 2ww is upon me. I am trying to be hopeful, but the odds are definitely against me.
Showing posts with label wtf?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wtf?. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
The Gambler
Freedom Fertility Pharmacy called me today.
Actually, a robot called me, technically.
"Hello, this is FFP, we got a call from your doctor ordering your medication! Please hold for a specialist!"
Then some helpful tips, then ringing. And then the robot again.
"We're sorry, all of our specialists are busy right now. Please call us at (number) at a later time of your convenience. Thank you!" *click*
WTF?!!!!
So I called back, and talked (as I always do when dealing with Freedom) to a very nice woman, who read a bewildering list of medications off to me. Some of these I have dealt with before, but most of them, I haven't. Cetritide! Doxycycline! Gonal-F! MenoPur! Novarel! Endometrin!!!! (Please don't make me go crazy, hormones, PLEASE.)
My mother, bless her, had told me to put the meds on her credit card. I have done this before, so I was expecting a big number. I think my last round (an IUI) it was close to $2000.
"OK- let me add this all up!" said the nice woman on the phone with the MA accent (an accent that I, strangely, love).
"That will be $4372.30."
That sound you just heard was my brain exploding. She helpfully told me I could go onto their website and get a web quote, which would save us $100. I asked her to freeze the order. I had to call Mom and let her know what was coming- and also call The Man, to see if we could subsidize some of this.
While saving $100 is better than a sharp stick in the eye, it seemed almost ridiculously meager, in the grand scheme of things. I called my mom, and explained, I called The Man and explained. Mom still wants me to use her card. What she said is: "Well, people take money like that to Vegas, and they gamble, and lose it all- for nothing That's not what you're doing here. You have a goal. I want you to be able to achieve your goal." I still feel amazingly guilty.
I forgot what this was like. Costs add up in excruciating fashion, and our insurance covers none of it. So far, we are out doctor and exam fees at two clinics, the cost of my testing, the cost of The Man's testing, and we haven't even gotten to the stuff covered in the outline that the R.E.'s office gives you, which explains what you will be billed for. That's another hefty chunk, but at least is something we budgeted for. Of course, medication is not included.
Getting stressed out is supposed to be counter-productive to this process working. So I got off the phone, clicked around on the website, got my $100 off, and called back.
As fate would have it, I got Sandy, who was super-talkative. She heard my parrot in the background, and started asking all kinds of questions. She applied my credit, postponed my shipment (we still have a slim chance this month- if I do manage to do this on my own, being stuck with $4372.30 worth of unnecessary meds would not be fun), made sure I was getting a rebate on my Gonal-F, and closed with, "Well, what's your birdie's name?"
"Vegas," I said.
"Well, you enjoy your day hon- good luck to you, and have fun gambling with Vegas!" she teased.
I guess you can look at it that way- I am gambling. As someone who is not a gambler by nature, this is terrifying. I really hope I don't lose it all.
Actually, a robot called me, technically.
"Hello, this is FFP, we got a call from your doctor ordering your medication! Please hold for a specialist!"
Then some helpful tips, then ringing. And then the robot again.
"We're sorry, all of our specialists are busy right now. Please call us at (number) at a later time of your convenience. Thank you!" *click*
WTF?!!!!
So I called back, and talked (as I always do when dealing with Freedom) to a very nice woman, who read a bewildering list of medications off to me. Some of these I have dealt with before, but most of them, I haven't. Cetritide! Doxycycline! Gonal-F! MenoPur! Novarel! Endometrin!!!! (Please don't make me go crazy, hormones, PLEASE.)
My mother, bless her, had told me to put the meds on her credit card. I have done this before, so I was expecting a big number. I think my last round (an IUI) it was close to $2000.
"OK- let me add this all up!" said the nice woman on the phone with the MA accent (an accent that I, strangely, love).
"That will be $4372.30."
That sound you just heard was my brain exploding. She helpfully told me I could go onto their website and get a web quote, which would save us $100. I asked her to freeze the order. I had to call Mom and let her know what was coming- and also call The Man, to see if we could subsidize some of this.
While saving $100 is better than a sharp stick in the eye, it seemed almost ridiculously meager, in the grand scheme of things. I called my mom, and explained, I called The Man and explained. Mom still wants me to use her card. What she said is: "Well, people take money like that to Vegas, and they gamble, and lose it all- for nothing That's not what you're doing here. You have a goal. I want you to be able to achieve your goal." I still feel amazingly guilty.
I forgot what this was like. Costs add up in excruciating fashion, and our insurance covers none of it. So far, we are out doctor and exam fees at two clinics, the cost of my testing, the cost of The Man's testing, and we haven't even gotten to the stuff covered in the outline that the R.E.'s office gives you, which explains what you will be billed for. That's another hefty chunk, but at least is something we budgeted for. Of course, medication is not included.
Getting stressed out is supposed to be counter-productive to this process working. So I got off the phone, clicked around on the website, got my $100 off, and called back.
As fate would have it, I got Sandy, who was super-talkative. She heard my parrot in the background, and started asking all kinds of questions. She applied my credit, postponed my shipment (we still have a slim chance this month- if I do manage to do this on my own, being stuck with $4372.30 worth of unnecessary meds would not be fun), made sure I was getting a rebate on my Gonal-F, and closed with, "Well, what's your birdie's name?"
"Vegas," I said.
"Well, you enjoy your day hon- good luck to you, and have fun gambling with Vegas!" she teased.
I guess you can look at it that way- I am gambling. As someone who is not a gambler by nature, this is terrifying. I really hope I don't lose it all.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Meditations on a To-Do List
#1 is, I shit you not, "Drop spit off at the Rite Aid."
I should probably explain this.
My R.E. handed me a blue box when I was there, and explained that I needed to take a saliva sample and send it in. The company name is Counsyl, and it offers preventive genetic testing for- well, actually, a pretty amazing rate. It's $350 or so with no insurance, but hopefully Kaiser will absorb $250 of it or so.
I mean: let's face it, they have samples of pretty much every other bodily fluid I can produce. Why not saliva too?! So I have a vial of spit- inside a bag, inside a box, inside a FexEx medical sample pouch. Evidently asking FexEx to pick something up requires credit card info, so I will be schlepping it to the drop-off center at the Rite Aid down the street.
In other news, I haven't grown those furry epaulettes I worried about yet. However, I am only administering 1 pump of the gel, which (now that I can bring myself to look at the bottle) is only 25% of the usual minimum manly dose. And this kind of makes me wonder- the guy instructions are to apply to the shoulders and: I think, the sides of the body? One pump handily douses both my shoulders. The thought of having to find enough surface area to accommodate four pumps of that stuff is a bit daunting. So I am relieved, but now off on a completely different mental tangent.
I do think the gel is to blame for a couple of new developments: namely, attractive hormonal acne that is forming around my mouth in a telltale circular fashion, and the fact that I am tired. Neither of those things are very welcome. But there are good things: I think it's doing some kind of number on my metabolism. It makes me wonder if my big problem this whole time has been some kind of hormonal imbalance. It's also working the way the R.E. wanted it to. I am getting sharp pings on the left and the right this month, so the ol' ovaries are both evidently cooking something up.
As my AMH and FSH values flag me as a potentially poor responder to drugs, this is amazing news. Hopefully, it is not all in my head. I am also worried because I got a high temperature this morning- which, if it continues, will mean I ovulated early. Which is good news in a way- my IVF cycle will start sooner than I had hoped! But bad news because they may need to add another drug to my protocol to keep me on schedule.
Since I used an OPK kit yesterday and got a "No Way Jose", I am either worrying about nothing- or I tested too late (on Day 10! Whaaaaat?!) and missed the LH surge. Unlikely, but possible. I am also not experiencing the crippling back pain of my last cycle- I could tell you the minute ovulation occurred, because I was hobbling around like Quasimodo. It got more bearable, but was still present for the rest of my cycle. I hope it isn't like that this time around- I have to get stuff done!
I should probably explain this.
My R.E. handed me a blue box when I was there, and explained that I needed to take a saliva sample and send it in. The company name is Counsyl, and it offers preventive genetic testing for- well, actually, a pretty amazing rate. It's $350 or so with no insurance, but hopefully Kaiser will absorb $250 of it or so.
I mean: let's face it, they have samples of pretty much every other bodily fluid I can produce. Why not saliva too?! So I have a vial of spit- inside a bag, inside a box, inside a FexEx medical sample pouch. Evidently asking FexEx to pick something up requires credit card info, so I will be schlepping it to the drop-off center at the Rite Aid down the street.
In other news, I haven't grown those furry epaulettes I worried about yet. However, I am only administering 1 pump of the gel, which (now that I can bring myself to look at the bottle) is only 25% of the usual minimum manly dose. And this kind of makes me wonder- the guy instructions are to apply to the shoulders and: I think, the sides of the body? One pump handily douses both my shoulders. The thought of having to find enough surface area to accommodate four pumps of that stuff is a bit daunting. So I am relieved, but now off on a completely different mental tangent.
I do think the gel is to blame for a couple of new developments: namely, attractive hormonal acne that is forming around my mouth in a telltale circular fashion, and the fact that I am tired. Neither of those things are very welcome. But there are good things: I think it's doing some kind of number on my metabolism. It makes me wonder if my big problem this whole time has been some kind of hormonal imbalance. It's also working the way the R.E. wanted it to. I am getting sharp pings on the left and the right this month, so the ol' ovaries are both evidently cooking something up.
As my AMH and FSH values flag me as a potentially poor responder to drugs, this is amazing news. Hopefully, it is not all in my head. I am also worried because I got a high temperature this morning- which, if it continues, will mean I ovulated early. Which is good news in a way- my IVF cycle will start sooner than I had hoped! But bad news because they may need to add another drug to my protocol to keep me on schedule.
Since I used an OPK kit yesterday and got a "No Way Jose", I am either worrying about nothing- or I tested too late (on Day 10! Whaaaaat?!) and missed the LH surge. Unlikely, but possible. I am also not experiencing the crippling back pain of my last cycle- I could tell you the minute ovulation occurred, because I was hobbling around like Quasimodo. It got more bearable, but was still present for the rest of my cycle. I hope it isn't like that this time around- I have to get stuff done!
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Bury a silver teaspoon under the rowan tree together with a lock of your hair under the waning moon.
Just an example.
Easter went well. Nobody is more surprised than I am. Mom and Dad still have made no reference to the fact that I am 20 lbs. lighter. Heh.
Towards the end of the weekend, my mother said, "Hey, there's some info that my beautician wanted me to give you."
I was puzzled, since I have never met this person. "Um- does she want me as a client?"
Mom looked....uncomfortable. "No, it has to do with something else."
At this point, I realized that it must be something to do with my continued babylessness.
I ended up going back into her room with her, and she handed me a piece of paper with some names on it. Not doctor's names. The name of a lady at the health food store.
"My beautician says that her friend was in her forties, nothing wrong with either of them, and nothing was happening, and she saw this lady, and she gave her a supplement, and now they have three kids!"
The feeling this info gave me was...well, indescribable, but I will try.
a. My mom is discussing my ovaries with her beautician?!!
b. Once upon a time, there was a woman who desperately wanted a child, so she went to the village witch, and the witch gave her a seed to plant in the garden. The seed bloomed overnight into a beautiful flower, and sitting in the center, there was a tiny girl no bigger than her mother's thumb. So they named her Thumbelina! (poor kid)
c. I have already tried acupuncture, injections, the mythical Fountain of Fertility (which by the way, has worked for someone else in the interim, but has no effect on me)and at one point, I would have done anything. ANYTHING! Just to get pregnant. I am not sure if I am still in that place.
d. But then, what have I got to lose?
Mom's thoughts seemed to run along the path of D. "Hey, it couldn't hurt, and it's cheaper than IVF," she said, practically.
I don't know what to think. The Man is fairly non-committal about it. And in our general timeline, this would put a pregnancy smack-dab in the middle of the worst possible scenario there is. Even considering that it has a slim chance of working.
The idea of even opening myself up to hope again is daunting. I can tell my brain is protecting itself, and I just can't seem to go there. I know I have to hope and act in order to potentially achieve my dreams, but OMG I have no idea what to think!!!
I am curious, I have to admit. Hopefully it's not---oh, I don't know. Organic whale testicles? The blood of virgins? (It's from the healthfood store, so the virgins would have to be free-range.)
If I get up the guts, I promise I will tell you guys what the magic pill is.
Easter went well. Nobody is more surprised than I am. Mom and Dad still have made no reference to the fact that I am 20 lbs. lighter. Heh.
Towards the end of the weekend, my mother said, "Hey, there's some info that my beautician wanted me to give you."
I was puzzled, since I have never met this person. "Um- does she want me as a client?"
Mom looked....uncomfortable. "No, it has to do with something else."
At this point, I realized that it must be something to do with my continued babylessness.
I ended up going back into her room with her, and she handed me a piece of paper with some names on it. Not doctor's names. The name of a lady at the health food store.
"My beautician says that her friend was in her forties, nothing wrong with either of them, and nothing was happening, and she saw this lady, and she gave her a supplement, and now they have three kids!"
The feeling this info gave me was...well, indescribable, but I will try.
a. My mom is discussing my ovaries with her beautician?!!
b. Once upon a time, there was a woman who desperately wanted a child, so she went to the village witch, and the witch gave her a seed to plant in the garden. The seed bloomed overnight into a beautiful flower, and sitting in the center, there was a tiny girl no bigger than her mother's thumb. So they named her Thumbelina! (poor kid)
c. I have already tried acupuncture, injections, the mythical Fountain of Fertility (which by the way, has worked for someone else in the interim, but has no effect on me)and at one point, I would have done anything. ANYTHING! Just to get pregnant. I am not sure if I am still in that place.
d. But then, what have I got to lose?
Mom's thoughts seemed to run along the path of D. "Hey, it couldn't hurt, and it's cheaper than IVF," she said, practically.
I don't know what to think. The Man is fairly non-committal about it. And in our general timeline, this would put a pregnancy smack-dab in the middle of the worst possible scenario there is. Even considering that it has a slim chance of working.
The idea of even opening myself up to hope again is daunting. I can tell my brain is protecting itself, and I just can't seem to go there. I know I have to hope and act in order to potentially achieve my dreams, but OMG I have no idea what to think!!!
I am curious, I have to admit. Hopefully it's not---oh, I don't know. Organic whale testicles? The blood of virgins? (It's from the healthfood store, so the virgins would have to be free-range.)
If I get up the guts, I promise I will tell you guys what the magic pill is.
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