Holding pattern

It looks like it is going to be a frustrating month.

Per wand and blood results, my cycle has stalled out. I am probably looking at a 40 day cycle- or more, as opposed to my usual 28. I am sure that the crazy drugs I took last month have something to do with this, since I am usually like clockwork.

I've been moody, and occasionally weepy, but not crazy- trying to get as organized as I can until we move.  Trying to ignore the babies everywhere. Someone brought their new bundle of joy into Dr. Charming's office for him to see- one of "his" babies. I walked into the waiting room and encountered them, right after I got the news that none of the drugs were working on me. My reaction was not good.

I am trying desperately not to panic. My time in the Bay Area- and thus with this doctor- is running out. The Man hasn't found a job, and is defensive and angry when the subject comes up. All can think is that hopefully there will be some kind of last-second miracle. This situation included. If I could afford to wait on IVF, I would, but it's clear that we can't afford to put it off any longer.

Evidently, stress can mess up your cycle too. Good to know.

I go in again on Thursday. Hopefully something will be percolating soon. Both in my interior regions and in other aspects of my life. 

Meditations on a To-Do List

#1 is, I shit you not, "Drop spit off at the Rite Aid."

I should probably explain this.

My R.E. handed me a blue box when I was there, and explained that I needed to take a saliva sample and send it in. The company name is Counsyl, and it offers preventive genetic testing for- well, actually, a pretty amazing rate. It's $350 or so with no insurance, but hopefully Kaiser will absorb $250 of it or so.

I mean: let's face it, they have samples of pretty much every other bodily fluid I can produce. Why not saliva too?! So I have a vial of spit- inside a bag, inside a box, inside a FexEx medical sample pouch. Evidently asking FexEx to pick something up requires credit card info, so I will be schlepping it to the drop-off center at the Rite Aid down the street.

In other news, I haven't grown those furry epaulettes I worried about yet. However, I am only administering 1 pump of the gel, which (now that I can bring myself to look at the bottle) is only 25% of the usual minimum manly dose. And this kind of makes me wonder- the guy instructions are to apply to the shoulders and: I think, the sides of the body? One pump handily douses both my shoulders.  The thought of having to find enough surface area to accommodate four pumps of that stuff is a bit daunting. So I am relieved, but now off on a completely different mental tangent.

I do think the gel is to blame for a couple of new developments: namely, attractive hormonal acne that is forming around my mouth in a telltale circular fashion, and the fact that I am tired. Neither of those things are very welcome. But there are good things: I think it's doing some kind of number on my metabolism. It makes me wonder if my big problem this whole time has been some kind of hormonal imbalance. It's also working the way the R.E. wanted it to. I am getting sharp pings on the left and the right this month, so the ol' ovaries are both evidently cooking something up.

As my AMH and FSH values flag me as a potentially poor responder to drugs, this is amazing news. Hopefully, it is not all in my head. I am also worried because I got a high temperature this morning- which, if it continues, will mean I ovulated early.  Which is good news in a way- my IVF cycle will start sooner than I had hoped! But bad news because they may need to add another drug to my protocol to keep me on schedule.

Since I used an OPK kit yesterday and got a "No Way Jose", I am either worrying about nothing- or I tested too late (on Day 10! Whaaaaat?!) and missed the LH surge. Unlikely, but possible. I am also not experiencing the crippling back pain of my last cycle- I could tell you the minute ovulation occurred, because I was hobbling around like Quasimodo. It got more bearable, but was still present for the rest of my cycle. I hope it isn't like that this time around- I have to get stuff done!

Mint Juleps and Needles

I survived my first acupuncture treatment and consult, and am pleased to say that I seem to have alleviated a frightening amount of issues with my dietary change back in March. Going through the paperwork itself was a revelation. My waking temps upon charting are still low, but are higher than they were last time around. We agreed that te bulk of the problems were fixed, and the ones that are left over seem to be pretty straightforward. One of the Chinese herbal concoctions I am taking is called "Warming the Mansion," which I find hysterical.

The acupuncturist has a great reputation, and he told me that he thinks I will be ready to have a baby within 6 months of treatment: and is willing to say on the record that he doesn't think I will need IVF to do it. But if I do, my body will be ready for it. So...pretty good news all told, and we are moving ahead! Obviously something is already happening with me: since my treatment, I have been floating around on a happy little pink cloud. It's a little unnerving. If I didn't know better, I would say I was stoned, just without the paranoia. No complaints here. ;)

In other news, a baby tiger was born in Germany: to a lady tiger who was previously thought to be infertile.

There's hope for all of us, I guess!

Out of the darkness

Wow. Reading back through this and seeing where I was is a little like traveling back in time.

Well, I ran away for awhile. I spent two years getting myself back. We moved: to the Bay Area, which has been more difficult than I had anticipated. We are now looking at houses. I have managed not to gain back all the weight I lost. I also figured out that a lot of my weird issues were caused by gluten intolerance. My weight is now much more stable, my skin is clear, my migraines are controlled, and my memory seems to be much better. I also have a ton more energy that I used to!

I have been putting my new found energy into finishing up old projects. And to that end, a week or so ago, I bought a book for my Kindle, called Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program For Maximum Fertility. It's about getting pregnant as naturally as possible. I liked the approach, which combined Eastern and Western medicine in a way that makes sense to me.

So: we're off! I actually looked up the blog as reference material, so I can fill out my medical info paperwork as accurately as possible, because I am seeing my new acupuncturist next Wednesday. And yes, I will be updating again, now that I have Something To Report.

It's the dawn of a new era, peeps!

The Aftermath

Regarding the advice from the psychic, you guys are right. It was a ridiculous amount of info to take in (and I actually spared you guys a lot of it!). I am still turning it over in my mind.

I think I have decided not to pursue IVF in January.

There are a couple of reasons for this, not just because (as my husband teased) "Some guy with a deck of cards told you not to."

I have not heard back from my parents re: helping out. My doctor's consult is this Friday. While I was in SF, my sister told me they had decided to help me, because "mom mentioned it when they talked on the phone last week."

Ok, back up...they haven't said one damn thing to me about it. My emotions connected with that are pretty complicated, but what should sum it up is a conversation I had with The Man after going out to dinner with my parents and my aunt last week.

First of all, the dinner was horrible. It started out with dad asking me if I had darkened my hair.
Me: Yes.

Silence.

Me: Do you have any objective commentary?

Dad: Um, no, not really.

The whole dinner was like that. To me, it just seemed to exemplify everything about my relationship with my parents and their relationship with each other that I can't stand. Plus the service was just...abysmal, which didn't help.

In the car on the way home, fueled by one really bad mixed drink, I just kind of exploded.

"You know what really bugs the crap out of me? " I spluttered. "Your parents? I don't always get along with them. But if we asked them for help with something like this, they would have gotten together, looked at their finances, and either said "Yes, we can help you," or "Sorry, we're broke," and I would have just been able to accept that and move on. My parents still haven't give me a straight answer, and they have just left us dangling for over a month now! And it's not because they don't want to help. I think it's because I asked for something, and by God ,they are going to hold this over my head, because they like the feeling of having power over us!!!!!"

Now that I am a little calmer, I have some more perspective on it, but seriously. They know how depressed, how upset, how frantic I have been. I wish they would just put me out my misery. The worst part? I suspect they want to make it a birthday surprise or something. Is there a Hallmark card for that occasion?

My sister and I had a great conversation about this. My parents like to give gifts, and then apply conditions to them. They think this is motivational. I think it is manipulative, and over time, it has made me paranoid. I have spent the last month envisioning, "If you lose 70 lbs, we will pay for IVF!" conversations.

I expressed this to my sister, and she kind of pooh poohed it. Then we both made each other laugh by making up ridiculous scenarios.

"If the IVF is successful, you have to turn the child over to us, so we can raise it as our own!"

"If you get pregnant, you will have to stay in Fresno FOREVER!"

"On her 16th birthday, the child will prick her finger on a spindle and fall into an enchanted sleep!"

Things like that.

So, with the financial thing being up in the air, the other factor is, I finally feel like myself again. For the first time in over a year. I don't have crazy hormones flooding my system, and I'm not so depressed that it's hard to get out of bed, and I have to admit that a lot of it is because some crazy guy with a deck of cards just told me that it WILL happen, and that is enough for me.

In other news:

AF was supposed to arrive on Halloween, and as of yesterday morning, she still had not shown up. I woke up, stumbled to the bathroom bleary eyed, to POAS. When my husband asked what was up, I told him, and added, "I know it will be negative, I am just doing it, because then my period will start."

So of course AF showed up yesterday afternoon, and now The Man is jokingly adamant that I am never POAS-ing again, so he can have "unrestricted access." (yes, he is a dork.)

Happy Tuesday ladies!

Notes from The Great Beyond, Continued.

If you haven't read the first part of this, you should probably check it out here.

If my writing sounds stilted, it's because English is not this guy's first language. While, I think he is German or Austrian, not Italian, he reminded me of no one so much as Bruno Tomnioli, the crazy judge from Dancing With The Stars, maybe because he uses incredibly offbeat metaphors. He also gave off a kind of...ahem, Eurotrash vibe- longish hair, little mod boots that zipped up the sides. He fidgeted a lot, with the zippers on his boots, with the tape recorder, with his slim-cut jacket.

It came time to stop the freestyle reading, where he just blurted things out at me. We went into future predictions. I chose cards, and he interpreted them for me.

"Yes, Jenna, you are definitely going to be a mother soon." he said. "Motherhood is in your aura, and the soul of your child is already out there waiting to be born. Definitely a mother once, before 35, maybe twice, although that will be up to you. I don't see you being satisfied without having some kind of career. I am not saying that you will not have two, but it's up in the air depending on what you decide. You are a person who will pour everything into your children. You will feel that it would not be fair to have a new baby when you will be so focused on career. "

Ooooookay. At this point, my hopes were up incredibly high, and he just lost me. This was a bit too new-agey for me to handle. Also, it didn't sound like me, but then, I am not focused on career yet. However, I guess the reason that he tells you crazy things that you already know about yourself at the very beginning is that when he gets out there like this, you think, "Well, he was right about this other stuff. Maybe I should give him a chance."

There was a long silence. "Allright." I said. He smiled, and just looked at me.

"Your child will be a boy," he said. "You will know, even before he is born that he is going to be a big, robust, and ACTIVE child!" At this point, he burst into peals of laughter, and my heart quailed within me.

As a child, The Man was a menace. I hear stories of his shenanigans all the time Not to mention huge- as an adult, he's about 6'5", compared to my modest 5'7". And was in the 99th percentile for head size at birth, as my MIL likes to remind me constantly. I suddenly realized that I had started mentally turning over becoming more charitable about the idea of a c-section.

"Your child will be driven...so bright! And athletic. He will excel at sports...more than one. Colleges will fight over him."

Holy crap!
I always always always have said that if I had a kid like The Man, I would make sure he was active in sports, to keep him or her focused and on the rails. Part of me was thinking this, and the other part just kept muttering, "This has to be a fairy tale. This is too perfect to be true."

He continued, "You and your husband are the best possible parents for this child. Your parents were not right for you, his were," (at this point, he threw his hands up in the air) "just AWFUL!"

He stopped short and said, "Your husband is fortunate in his choice of a wife. He knows how much. Most women would have looked at his parents and either shut down or run away. You can only deal with such people by digging in and standing your ground, and you are such a very unusual combination- so sensitive, so diplomatic, but so hard-headed! And your husband is stubborn too. He had to be, to survive in that environment."

At that point, I burst into involuntary laughter. Right before The Man went overseas, we had just gotten married, and I had a blowout with his mom, over something that she had either mis-heard or completely imagined (what time we were going to be there for Thanksgiving). She ruined the holiday for everyone by acting like a lunatic. It ended with her telling my husband that his family was more important than his wife. She demanded an apology from me, and I was pushed to my limit. I refused to give her one. I said I would apologize for the misunderstanding, and she refused to acknowledge that there was one. So I didn't talk to his family the whole time The Man was overseas, and even beyond....almost a year.

This is getting unbearably long. Let me get to the weirdest part.

I asked about children again. Specifically, when? He shook his head.

"Soon. Not tomorrow....that would be miserable for you. You are not in the right phase to have children, not yet. It is not about time, it is about timing. I do not see it happening until after you move. You're in a stagnant environment, it is becoming toxic. It is not time for a baby yet. You have had these thoughts yourself. You will not have a baby until you leave this environment.

Then he said something that really pissed me off. "Once you are in the right place, in the right environment, there should be no problem having your son. I don't think you'll need to try for two years to have your son." He snapped his fingers. "Like that."

At this point, I kind of erupted out, "We have been trying for five years, and nothing has worked!"

He shook his head. "You are both so healthy. There's nothing biologically wrong with either of you. I don't see falling pregnant even being an issue for you. But it isn't going to happen until you move."

He paused. "Have you seen specialists?" I nodded. "Do they have any ideas, solutions? Extra fertilizer so something? "

Well....no, they don't.

I shook my head, and he smiled indulgently. "The reason they can't figure out what is wrong, is because there is nothing they can do about it. It is something you need to do. Remember, timing, not time. Stop worrying about your age. You are so young! It's more about where you are mentally than what the calendar says. And until you move, you will not be in the right place to have children."

There was a lot more about career, and about my family. He closed with, "Make sure you drink more water. You've been bad about that lately."

Well.....it's true! I have.

I am not sure how I feel. Skeptical? Oh yes, that's there. But the agonizing "What if''s" seem to have been quelled, at least for now.

I told The Man about it, and he thinks that I am nuts, but is glad that I feel better.

What do you guys think?

Notes from the Great Beyond

Wow.

I have to say, my experience with a psychic was, in fact, pretty mindblowing.

He started talking as soon as I came into the room, and surprisingly, children didn't come up immediately. I gave him my birthdate, and he looked at it and kind of made an exclamation of surprise. (I checked with my sis later, and he didn't do this with her.)

"You are a force to be reckoned with," he said. "You go your own way, and you are a leader. You are a fierce and loyal friend, and also a formidable enemy. I would not want you to be angry with me! You are incredibly independent. The best way to keep you is to give you freedom and trust that you will come back. Your talents are diverse, so much so that you get distracted and lose focus. You are incredibly resourceful, and incredibly intimidating to people who do not know you well. You are an emotional person who doesn't like to show it. You wear your heart on your sleeve, and you wish you didn't. You can be strong for everyone except yourself."

So far, pretty accurate. It is hard to judge yourself, though. When I repeated it to my friends, though, they said things like, "Holy Crap. Who is this man, and how much did it cost? When can I see him?!!!"

I showed him a picture of my husband...and that's when I started to freak out.

"Your husband is in pain," he said. "Too much for someone his age. Has he had a back injury? He's let it go for a long time, and he needs to get it taken care of."

When The Man was stationed overseas, he was in the back seat of a Humvee. Driving through the desert, they took a bump too fast, and The Man hit his head so hard on the rollbar that he was knocked out. He woke up on a backboard at the medical tent. He's had back problems ever since, and no amount of nagging will help.

I just said, "Yes, he has back problems."

"Why are you so afraid to be a bitch?!" he asked. "You are in charge of this relationship. He will follow you." He paused and said, "2008 is going to be a huge year for you. If you are not considering moving yet, you should."

Another pause. "You need to be in a big city. You are stagnant where you are, and you need to have inspiration to live your life to the fullest."

Another pause. I think I said, "Okay."

"Make sure your husband knows that he is making this decision too. He is inclined to blame joint decisions on you, and it is because you are his motivation. He is less decisive than you are.Once you decide, you will jump. And he will have to jump after you, but it takes him longer to make up his mind." Another pause. "Sometimes, it is like you are a tugboat and he is an ocean liner. Once he gets going, it goes smoothly, but he needs that push, and the push comes from you. You provide the power and the momentum."

At this point, my mouth was dry. Because that is a frighteningly accurrate depiction of our relationship.

"Sometimes, you resent this relationship. Because you wonder how long you will have to pull, and you think that maybe doing this for your whole life might be too much. You are a very independant, magnetic person, and you worry that your passion for each other isn't what it should be. I see the two of you building...you have some block in your relationship that is causing you to pull back.By your mid-thirties, you will stop holding yourself back to much, and you will have the passion that you want."

He paused again. In between, I said a lot of "Okay's" and "Uh-huh's".

"Wow your husband has a crazy family!" Truer words were never spoken. "He has gone through some trauma, abusive parenting. He deals with depression, and it is hard for you to deal with. Sometimes you can pull him out of it, and sometimes you can't eventually, you will win out."

"Alcoholism runs in his family. It's in his blood. Someone close to him...a sibling? Has a problem with drinking." (His sister has had three DUI's and been to rehab.) He is prone to this too. Keep an eye on it. He could use this to mask what is wrong. He hates his job."

He continued,"Why do you worry so much about money?" (Hello! IVF! I thought, but did not say.) "Money is the curse of civilization. You should be comfortable about what you have. You and your husband are both very resourceful, very employable. I don't see you having money problems, particularly after the next year."

Then he said, "You are going to be a mother. At least once. Before the age of 35. You may have more than one."

OK guys, I am sorry, it's To Be Continued! I will post more tonight.

I am completely blown away.

I'm off to see the wizard...

And to enjoy the streets of SF. Here's wishing you guys a great weekend! I'll give an update as soon as I get back.

P.S. Saw my parents the other night...no word on financing. My appointment with the RE is on the 9th. I'm getting a little anxious.

P.P.S. AF due yesterday or today, but hasn't shown up. Huh.

If it happens, it happens.

The Man and I bought groceries and went out to dinner tonight.

On our way home, I asked him, "So, now what?"

We are still waiting on an answer re: IVF. And for some reason, waiting around has given me some time to become- well, if not ambivalent, rather detached from the subject.

I still occasionally well up with tears when I see parents and children together. The thought that I may never have children of my own is still raw, and it just seems...well, wrong somehow. We are meant to have kids somehow, some way, I know that. Maybe now is just not the right time. Maybe our kids will be born to someone else, and find their way to us eventually.

It's hard to be philosophical about it, but there it is. It's hard to wrap my head around paying $15,000 for something that only has a 38.2% chance of working (at least, at our clinic). Especially when it's not our money.

Is it worth that? To see my big blue eyes and widow's peak and his wavy hair and generous mouth on someone new that my husband and I have created together? To be able to use the names we chose together? To be able to ooh and ahh over silly hand-knit hats and baby blankets and decorate the room in the rainforest theme that I decided I wanted- oh, back in 2001?

We planned to buy a camcorder and record for posterity the first wobbling steps, the first giggles and words, learning the alphabet, reading bedtime stories, the pictures with Santa and on the pony. The Christmas pageant, the Halloween costumes, the soccer team, the graduations. The big wedding, and the grandchildren.

Now that I have it down in print, it seems silly to wonder if it's worth it. All those things, are, like the Mastercard commercials like to point out, priceless.

But I am still left wondering, am I being selfish, to feel that I am being denied so much? If we decide not to go through with it, or are forced by circumstance to abandon it...when will the diaper bags and the baby slings stop tormenting me? How long will it take before I can see a little girl in the checkout line, happily eating an ice cream with her mom, and recognize those long lashes and dark ringlets and pink Converse sneakers as anything other than a personal failure on my part?

Tonight, my sister-in-law called me. Her marriage is falling apart. We had a long discussion about how she has done everything she can, that her husband (my husband's brother) has evidently turned into a vampire- happily sucking up all of the love, effort, and money, and giving nothing back in return. We talked a lot about what she should do.

In trying to describe my SIL to friends, I have said that she's kind of like Luna Lovegood. She doesn't look like her, and her mannerisms are totally different, she's got this absolute honesty that's airy-fairy and blunt at the same time. Uncomfortable truths come bubbling from her lips at inopportune moments, all the time, but it's not mean-spirited, just stream of consciousness. It just skewers you because you are totally not expecting it.

She basically told me how lucky I was, vis-a-vis The Man, and said, "You and The Man are going to be parents. You were meant to be a mom. A cool, San Francisco Mom. And I know it is going to happen for you." She paused, and then said, "I saw it. I saw you walking down the street."

I didn't realize what she had said until I had gotten off the phone. (I was trying to keep it together after the whole, "cool SF mom" thing. ) Is it me, or is the phrasing really kind of eerie and weird?

Maybe I am going crazy.

Retread

This is not a new post. This is something that I posted on my other blog, almost exactly a year ago. (Wow! I can't believe it's been a year!) I wasn't really out of the closet re: the whole IF thing, so it's a little vague.

However, since I have been trying to find an acupuncturist in my area, and since we're talking about moving to SF, it's pretty relevant. And kind of informative, and as I read back over it, I got a few giggles out of it, so I decided to resurrect it.
__________________________________________________________________
October 23, 2006



Every two weeks, I go to San Francisco for acupuncture.

Yes, it has something to do with the whole baby issue. And evidently, it is working....to the point that people who hardly know me are saying things like, "You're so much calmer!"

The people who DO know me well have hatched a conspiracy theory which involves my unknowingly having taken some kind of Chinese lithium. (For the record, that one was Secret Squirrel, who watches way too much CSI.) But The Man has noticed. My family have noticed. And while it's great that it's working, there's some part of me that is resentful. (Ack! Was I so horrible before?!!!!)

I know they won't answer this honestly, for fear that I will suffer a relapse and attack them with a Salad Shooter. But still...! I am fully awarethat some things which would have rendered me apoplectic with rage at one time now are just sort of irritating, but nothing to get worked up over. Recognizing this while it's happening is sort of surreal.

Anyway. My regimen involves the needles, and an everchanging formulation of Chinese herbs that has come to be known simply as "Ass Tea." (Rhymes with NASS-TY!) The nearest way I can describe the taste? Murky. If you need more detail? It's like top ramen flavor packets with the salt removed. Yep. Taste sensation! I usually throw in some Crystal Lite, which is probably not condoned by ancient Chinese medicine, but does manage to camouflage the ass to some degree.



So, San Francisco. Secret Squirrel tagged along, and we had many strange and hilarious conversations. One that came up was the sad, strange take of Lorena Bobbit. Yes, guys, women talk about this all the time...and we laugh.

Me: "Whatever happened to Lorena, anyway?"

SS: "Well, she went to jail. I mean, she chopped it off."

Me: "I never understood that. Wouldn't he be pretty wiggly? He must have woken up.
Did she use anaesthetic? A machete? How is that logistically possible?"

SS: "Um, I think he was pretty drunk, but he woke up in the middle of it."

Me: "Welll...ouch."

SS: "I was always surprised there were no copycat crimes afterwards."

Me: "Well...I think men were probably much more zealous in guarding the junk after that. They were pretty traumatized, as I recall. Didn't they find it and sew it back on, and then he did porn or something?"

SS: Welll- I mean, she chopped it off, then ran off and threw it in a field. THEN they sewed it back on."

Me: "Thanks for the timeline."

SS: "Well, it couldn't have been out there too long. He's lucky. I mean, it could have been eaten by wild dogs."

(pause)
Me: A dingo ate my penis!!!!!!BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA......

Yeah, that's pretty much how the whole weekend went. We talked and laughed a lot, bought some yarn (aka crack) from Artfibers, met up with my sister for drinks, and ate some meals that were completely insane, but totally worth it.

On the way home, we hit the Bridge School Benefit, which was fantastic. It was worth it for the Foo Fighter's acoustic set alone.