The Aftermath

Regarding the advice from the psychic, you guys are right. It was a ridiculous amount of info to take in (and I actually spared you guys a lot of it!). I am still turning it over in my mind.

I think I have decided not to pursue IVF in January.

There are a couple of reasons for this, not just because (as my husband teased) "Some guy with a deck of cards told you not to."

I have not heard back from my parents re: helping out. My doctor's consult is this Friday. While I was in SF, my sister told me they had decided to help me, because "mom mentioned it when they talked on the phone last week."

Ok, back up...they haven't said one damn thing to me about it. My emotions connected with that are pretty complicated, but what should sum it up is a conversation I had with The Man after going out to dinner with my parents and my aunt last week.

First of all, the dinner was horrible. It started out with dad asking me if I had darkened my hair.
Me: Yes.

Silence.

Me: Do you have any objective commentary?

Dad: Um, no, not really.

The whole dinner was like that. To me, it just seemed to exemplify everything about my relationship with my parents and their relationship with each other that I can't stand. Plus the service was just...abysmal, which didn't help.

In the car on the way home, fueled by one really bad mixed drink, I just kind of exploded.

"You know what really bugs the crap out of me? " I spluttered. "Your parents? I don't always get along with them. But if we asked them for help with something like this, they would have gotten together, looked at their finances, and either said "Yes, we can help you," or "Sorry, we're broke," and I would have just been able to accept that and move on. My parents still haven't give me a straight answer, and they have just left us dangling for over a month now! And it's not because they don't want to help. I think it's because I asked for something, and by God ,they are going to hold this over my head, because they like the feeling of having power over us!!!!!"

Now that I am a little calmer, I have some more perspective on it, but seriously. They know how depressed, how upset, how frantic I have been. I wish they would just put me out my misery. The worst part? I suspect they want to make it a birthday surprise or something. Is there a Hallmark card for that occasion?

My sister and I had a great conversation about this. My parents like to give gifts, and then apply conditions to them. They think this is motivational. I think it is manipulative, and over time, it has made me paranoid. I have spent the last month envisioning, "If you lose 70 lbs, we will pay for IVF!" conversations.

I expressed this to my sister, and she kind of pooh poohed it. Then we both made each other laugh by making up ridiculous scenarios.

"If the IVF is successful, you have to turn the child over to us, so we can raise it as our own!"

"If you get pregnant, you will have to stay in Fresno FOREVER!"

"On her 16th birthday, the child will prick her finger on a spindle and fall into an enchanted sleep!"

Things like that.

So, with the financial thing being up in the air, the other factor is, I finally feel like myself again. For the first time in over a year. I don't have crazy hormones flooding my system, and I'm not so depressed that it's hard to get out of bed, and I have to admit that a lot of it is because some crazy guy with a deck of cards just told me that it WILL happen, and that is enough for me.

In other news:

AF was supposed to arrive on Halloween, and as of yesterday morning, she still had not shown up. I woke up, stumbled to the bathroom bleary eyed, to POAS. When my husband asked what was up, I told him, and added, "I know it will be negative, I am just doing it, because then my period will start."

So of course AF showed up yesterday afternoon, and now The Man is jokingly adamant that I am never POAS-ing again, so he can have "unrestricted access." (yes, he is a dork.)

Happy Tuesday ladies!