Wow. Reading back through this and seeing where I was is a little like traveling back in time.
Well, I ran away for awhile. I spent two years getting myself back. We moved: to the Bay Area, which has been more difficult than I had anticipated. We are now looking at houses. I have managed not to gain back all the weight I lost. I also figured out that a lot of my weird issues were caused by gluten intolerance. My weight is now much more stable, my skin is clear, my migraines are controlled, and my memory seems to be much better. I also have a ton more energy that I used to!
I have been putting my new found energy into finishing up old projects. And to that end, a week or so ago, I bought a book for my Kindle, called Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program For Maximum Fertility. It's about getting pregnant as naturally as possible. I liked the approach, which combined Eastern and Western medicine in a way that makes sense to me.
So: we're off! I actually looked up the blog as reference material, so I can fill out my medical info paperwork as accurately as possible, because I am seeing my new acupuncturist next Wednesday. And yes, I will be updating again, now that I have Something To Report.
It's the dawn of a new era, peeps!
Showing posts with label Celebration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Celebration. Show all posts
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Monday, November 26, 2007
We should have brought a tent
I feel so guilty. I have not been keeping up with blogs.
Mainly because I am not sure how to tell you guys about the disaster that was Thanksgiving/my birthday.
I feel incredibly ungrateful when I think about everything that went "wrong". And boy howdy, I am glad I am not in the middle of another infertility cycle on top of all of it, because that would have just been...well.
Here are a few things that may or may not have happened:
1. Hanging out with my sis and sis-in-law (who look like Angelina Jolie and Mandy Moore, respectively) made me feel like a beluga whale. An old, ugly beluga whale encrusted with moldy barnacles.
2. I bought and wrapped my own birthday gift from my husband, who didn't even bother to get me a card.
3. I showed up at the house, and realized that nobody else had bothered to get me anything, either.
4. Except for a birthday cake, which I was obscenely grateful for. Until my mom put it on a low shelf for a second when she was getting ready to serve it and my brothers dogs licked half the frosting off of it. Nobody really wanted it after that.
5. I mentioned the "couch-to-5K" program I am doing, and got to see the shifty looks that obviously meant, "Yeah right."
6. The phone call from my aunt who asked, "And how young are you today?" and when I said, "33" she sighed and said, "How time does fly!" In a way that was supposed to be consoling, but since my age doesn't bother me, I just wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her.
7. Mom said she would take me out shopping on the day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday. We stayed in town and avoided the mall. I didn't find anything I liked, and all the shopping was for other people. Dad showed up halfway through the day with a ring he bought for me as a surprise. It was the one nice thing that anyone had done, and I was almost teary.
8. Then Mom said, "Well, it's from both of us! Happy Birthday! Let's go home."
9. Then we got home, and Dad had bought identical rings for my sister and s-i-l.
10. My sister, who has a habit of wearing very thin pajamas and bending over and revealing half of her butt and all of her thong, decided to change clothes in the room that The Man and I stayed in. After dinner. Without locking the door, or utilizing the en-suite bathroom with a door that closes. The inevitable happened, and The Man walked in on her.
I should back this up by saying that The Man has commented on this before, and my sister just isn't modest on the same level that I am. In any event, I have discussed with my parents that my husband knows way too much about my sister's anatomy, and aside from saying, "Well, you know what she's like" and "we're in close quarters in that house"....yeah. I never knew how to bring it up.
I was furious. she kept protesting, "But he didn't see anything! I covered up!!" and I would just say, "What he saw is not the POINT. The POINT is that if you are changing in someone else's room, you make an effort to be respectful, and you tell them, or lock the door, or use the bathroom!"
It ended up with me leaving the house by myself at 9PM and walking down to the beach and staring sightlessly at the waves. The Man was watching movies with Dad and my brother, and I didn't want to make a scene, I just wanted to be gone.
I stayed gone for nearly an hour. As I was getting close to the house, I rounded the corner and saw my husband, who had been waiting for me.
He just kept repeating that he was sorry. Did I want to leave? Yes, I had every right to feel the way I did. He felt bad that he had screwed up my birthday.
We walked back to the house, and I stayed holed up in the room until bedtime. I eventually came out to try to have a sane conversation with my sister, which degraded into:
Her: "My blue pajamas are not see-through."
Me: "I assure you, they are."
Her: "They totally are not!"
Me: "Do you want me to give you the diameter of your nipples in centimeters? "
Her: "You're obviously just have a grudge and you're holding all this stuff against me. It's YOUR problem, not mine. How am I supposed to control what everyone sees?!"
Me: "That's an interesting perspective. Somehow, I manage to get through a family weekend without everyone seeing MY underwear. It's not rocket science."
Her:"You're just being unreasonable."
Me: "I don't feel that it's so unreasonable to ask that you not flash your crotch at my husband from across the room. Or to be respectful and lock the door when you're changing in our room."
Her: "I didn't know I was flashing! And he didn't see anything, tonight! I covered up with a towel."
It went around and around, and on, and on. I finally said, "Look, all I am asking you is to be a little more modest around my husband. That's it."
We said goodnight and went to bed. I made my point, and in the process, l think I killed my friendship with my sister.
I am so glad to be home. But that's really the only thing I am glad about right now.
Mainly because I am not sure how to tell you guys about the disaster that was Thanksgiving/my birthday.
I feel incredibly ungrateful when I think about everything that went "wrong". And boy howdy, I am glad I am not in the middle of another infertility cycle on top of all of it, because that would have just been...well.
Here are a few things that may or may not have happened:
1. Hanging out with my sis and sis-in-law (who look like Angelina Jolie and Mandy Moore, respectively) made me feel like a beluga whale. An old, ugly beluga whale encrusted with moldy barnacles.
2. I bought and wrapped my own birthday gift from my husband, who didn't even bother to get me a card.
3. I showed up at the house, and realized that nobody else had bothered to get me anything, either.
4. Except for a birthday cake, which I was obscenely grateful for. Until my mom put it on a low shelf for a second when she was getting ready to serve it and my brothers dogs licked half the frosting off of it. Nobody really wanted it after that.
5. I mentioned the "couch-to-5K" program I am doing, and got to see the shifty looks that obviously meant, "Yeah right."
6. The phone call from my aunt who asked, "And how young are you today?" and when I said, "33" she sighed and said, "How time does fly!" In a way that was supposed to be consoling, but since my age doesn't bother me, I just wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her.
7. Mom said she would take me out shopping on the day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday. We stayed in town and avoided the mall. I didn't find anything I liked, and all the shopping was for other people. Dad showed up halfway through the day with a ring he bought for me as a surprise. It was the one nice thing that anyone had done, and I was almost teary.
8. Then Mom said, "Well, it's from both of us! Happy Birthday! Let's go home."
9. Then we got home, and Dad had bought identical rings for my sister and s-i-l.
10. My sister, who has a habit of wearing very thin pajamas and bending over and revealing half of her butt and all of her thong, decided to change clothes in the room that The Man and I stayed in. After dinner. Without locking the door, or utilizing the en-suite bathroom with a door that closes. The inevitable happened, and The Man walked in on her.
I should back this up by saying that The Man has commented on this before, and my sister just isn't modest on the same level that I am. In any event, I have discussed with my parents that my husband knows way too much about my sister's anatomy, and aside from saying, "Well, you know what she's like" and "we're in close quarters in that house"....yeah. I never knew how to bring it up.
I was furious. she kept protesting, "But he didn't see anything! I covered up!!" and I would just say, "What he saw is not the POINT. The POINT is that if you are changing in someone else's room, you make an effort to be respectful, and you tell them, or lock the door, or use the bathroom!"
It ended up with me leaving the house by myself at 9PM and walking down to the beach and staring sightlessly at the waves. The Man was watching movies with Dad and my brother, and I didn't want to make a scene, I just wanted to be gone.
I stayed gone for nearly an hour. As I was getting close to the house, I rounded the corner and saw my husband, who had been waiting for me.
He just kept repeating that he was sorry. Did I want to leave? Yes, I had every right to feel the way I did. He felt bad that he had screwed up my birthday.
We walked back to the house, and I stayed holed up in the room until bedtime. I eventually came out to try to have a sane conversation with my sister, which degraded into:
Her: "My blue pajamas are not see-through."
Me: "I assure you, they are."
Her: "They totally are not!"
Me: "Do you want me to give you the diameter of your nipples in centimeters? "
Her: "You're obviously just have a grudge and you're holding all this stuff against me. It's YOUR problem, not mine. How am I supposed to control what everyone sees?!"
Me: "That's an interesting perspective. Somehow, I manage to get through a family weekend without everyone seeing MY underwear. It's not rocket science."
Her:"You're just being unreasonable."
Me: "I don't feel that it's so unreasonable to ask that you not flash your crotch at my husband from across the room. Or to be respectful and lock the door when you're changing in our room."
Her: "I didn't know I was flashing! And he didn't see anything, tonight! I covered up with a towel."
It went around and around, and on, and on. I finally said, "Look, all I am asking you is to be a little more modest around my husband. That's it."
We said goodnight and went to bed. I made my point, and in the process, l think I killed my friendship with my sister.
I am so glad to be home. But that's really the only thing I am glad about right now.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Ob la di, ob la da, life goes on....
I had a "throwaway day" today.
I seriously cannot tell you want I did. I got some stuff out of the way before noon, returned a few phone calls, and alternately read and slept the rest of the day away.
The Man got home, and we discussed what all of this is going to mean.
There's going to be a 14-month initiation period. The Man will be heading to SF on his days off for the first six months to train, then for the next 6 months as an employee. At the beginning of 2009, he will officially take over the business.
My agreement to moving was conditional. We will not be able to afford a place in the Bay Area, at least not right away, and I don't want to give up being a homeowner. A huge plus is that we will have a place to live, rent-free, as one of the perks of the job. So we are looking at "renting" the house to The Man's sister and her fiance, and discounting the rent in exchange for them taking care of the place, and maybe maintaining one of three bedrooms so we could stay here occasionally. The Man has to fulfill a few more years of military service as a weekender, so he will be in town one weekend a month.
It would also give us a chance to make sure we want to settle in the Bay Area before we take the big leap and buy property there.
Of course, my brain finally started working. I will be in San Francisco. Where there are plenty of doctors who are potentially not jerks like Dr. Combover. Where my sister lives, where there are practically acupuncture clinics on every corner, where I can walk down the street to get my groceries, where we can go out dancing every night if we want. Where any money I bank from my job can be devoted exclusively to travel or IF, as I see fit, depending on what happens.
I'm totally overwhelmed. I'm excited. And I am trying not to think about the drawbacks, of which there are several. Leaving my current employers is a big one. I love my job, and I want him to feel the same way about his. I am in the fortunate position to be able to do what I do just about anywhere. Living in a big city is going to make things more complicated, and I will have to get used to new people, but I think I can pull it off.
My favorite part of it is seeing The Man get so excited. He's been a military guy for 12 years now, and I think he loved it until we got married and he did that stint overseas and was so miserable the whole time. We have both been so afraid that he would get deployed again. I wanted to make sure he wasn't just taking this job as a way out.
When I questioned him, he said, "You know, I thought about it...I never went away to school, like you did. I've lived in this town since I can remember. I've been in my current job, with a few changes, since I was 18. It's time to switch things up. I have the opportunity to build a business, to be my own boss, to live in a big city. Why wouldn't I take it? "
When he puts it like that, the negatives seem very, very small.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Stayin' Alive
Well, I made it. Thanks for the support!
The little guy was hilarious, and he loves his new firetruck...and the dump truck my friend brought, as well as the boxes and tissue paper they both came in.
There is also a series of pictures of him walking nimbly in my abandoned high heels that I am sure will be used to embarrass the hell out of him in 10 years or so.
It was actually more than a birthday....it was kind of one of those white-knuckled "facing your fears things". And I think I passed, with flying colors. There was only one moment where I felt a little shaky, but I managed it. Thank goodness.
Does anyone else have a "Worst Ever" Infertility moment?
Because, oh yes, I have one. And it is a doozy. It totally stands alone. And it happens to coincide nicely with the baby shower of the now-two-year-old.
In other news, I am going to abandon my "cookie crutch" and start trying to eat more healthfully.
This may or may not have something to do with the fact that my face appears to be inflating to epic proportions. I prefer to remain inscrutable.
The little guy was hilarious, and he loves his new firetruck...and the dump truck my friend brought, as well as the boxes and tissue paper they both came in.
There is also a series of pictures of him walking nimbly in my abandoned high heels that I am sure will be used to embarrass the hell out of him in 10 years or so.
It was actually more than a birthday....it was kind of one of those white-knuckled "facing your fears things". And I think I passed, with flying colors. There was only one moment where I felt a little shaky, but I managed it. Thank goodness.
Does anyone else have a "Worst Ever" Infertility moment?
Because, oh yes, I have one. And it is a doozy. It totally stands alone. And it happens to coincide nicely with the baby shower of the now-two-year-old.
In other news, I am going to abandon my "cookie crutch" and start trying to eat more healthfully.
This may or may not have something to do with the fact that my face appears to be inflating to epic proportions. I prefer to remain inscrutable.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Not a squirt gun.
Today is day 5 of my Gonal-F injections, and the last day of my 225 IU dosage.
I ordered four 300 IU pens from the online pharmacy, which means today was "ghetto medication retrieval day."
It was going OK until, OF COURSE, I squeezed the plunger on the syringe just a wee bit too firmly when tapping out the air bubbles, and basically sent 50 bucks hurtling through the air to splatter against my bathroom mirror. Such was my horror that I immediately fumbled the syringe, and I somehow managed a spectacular mid-air grab without stabbing myself anywhere or contaminating the needle.
Infertility definitely gives you the opportunity to explore talents that you would otherwise never realized that you posessed.
I read about the "heavy ovaries" side effect of this medication, and as of today, I am experiencing it. I suppose the male equivalent is calling the bowling alley to ask the guy if he has eight pound balls. If I was a guy, I could say, "Actually, they're both weighing in at about ten right now. Thank you for your concern."
Eight pound ovaries? Not as funny. Madame Ovary still is good for a giggle, but hey, it's been done.
Anyway, I am amusing myself by picturing Lefty and Righty as Easter baskets full of eggs right now. Husbandly commentary: "If anyone has brightly colored sparkly eggs, sweetheart, it would be you." Thanks sweetie!
D-Day for bloodwork and my second ultrasound is Monday the 20th, so I'll know in a few days (ohmigod, on Monday!) if this is anywhere near accurate.
How are you all doing? It's the weekend!
My concert buddy and I are planning a jaunt this December to see Social Distortion at the House Of Blues in Anaheim- The fact that we could go to Disneyland is just a bonus. We make this trek every year or so to celebrate our joint birthdays. So it will be a good time, even if I may not be able to swing the Tower Of Terror.
I am going to a show tonight (with the same concert buddy, natch) and it should be a blast. We're pretty much all about The Pretenders and The Stray Cats (ZZ Top...kinda meh.)
Anyone else have fun stuff planned?
I ordered four 300 IU pens from the online pharmacy, which means today was "ghetto medication retrieval day."
It was going OK until, OF COURSE, I squeezed the plunger on the syringe just a wee bit too firmly when tapping out the air bubbles, and basically sent 50 bucks hurtling through the air to splatter against my bathroom mirror. Such was my horror that I immediately fumbled the syringe, and I somehow managed a spectacular mid-air grab without stabbing myself anywhere or contaminating the needle.
Infertility definitely gives you the opportunity to explore talents that you would otherwise never realized that you posessed.
I read about the "heavy ovaries" side effect of this medication, and as of today, I am experiencing it. I suppose the male equivalent is calling the bowling alley to ask the guy if he has eight pound balls. If I was a guy, I could say, "Actually, they're both weighing in at about ten right now. Thank you for your concern."
Eight pound ovaries? Not as funny. Madame Ovary still is good for a giggle, but hey, it's been done.
Anyway, I am amusing myself by picturing Lefty and Righty as Easter baskets full of eggs right now. Husbandly commentary: "If anyone has brightly colored sparkly eggs, sweetheart, it would be you." Thanks sweetie!
D-Day for bloodwork and my second ultrasound is Monday the 20th, so I'll know in a few days (ohmigod, on Monday!) if this is anywhere near accurate.
How are you all doing? It's the weekend!
My concert buddy and I are planning a jaunt this December to see Social Distortion at the House Of Blues in Anaheim- The fact that we could go to Disneyland is just a bonus. We make this trek every year or so to celebrate our joint birthdays. So it will be a good time, even if I may not be able to swing the Tower Of Terror.
I am going to a show tonight (with the same concert buddy, natch) and it should be a blast. We're pretty much all about The Pretenders and The Stray Cats (ZZ Top...kinda meh.)
Anyone else have fun stuff planned?
Thursday, August 16, 2007
We are now approaching 98% normalcy
The worst part of taking Clomid wasn't that it made me nuts. It was that underneath it all, there was a rational part of my mind monitoring every crazy moment and cataloguing it, then triggering a tiny little voice which just said, "You're being psycho....you're being psycho...."over and over again. And being unable to control my reactions or emotions, regardless of what my rational voice said.
It was a truly horrible feeling. Like the rational part of you is locked up in a tiny little cage, surrounded by your hormones, which are surrounding it and jeering and poking it with pointy sticks.
Which is why this cycle has been such a pleasant surprise so far. I finally feel like I am off the crazy train. After three months of manic-depressive weepiness, this is like being on vacation. Of course, the Clomid was covered by insurance. Of course, the fact that I have finally returned to normal is making me wonder if the drugs are working. However, I am feeling distinct twinges from good ol' Lefty, and it may not be time to send Righty to the glue factory yet...there's a distant pinging that bodes well.
Let's see:
Clomid: Pros- free, and you can just take a pill. Cons: hot flashes, random weeping, and screaming one-sided arguments about the way my husband folds underwear.
vs.
Gonal-F: Cons: $1000 a month and lack of psychotic side effects makes me wonder if it's working. Potential for track marks on my tummy. Pros: getting to keep my sanity.
Tough call.
I went out with the girls last night, and we had a blast and didn't discuss the current fertility situation with me. I even got hit on a couple of times. I totally needed that! Going through all this medical treatment sort of makes me feel like a lab experiment. Like I am ovulation robot or an under performing baby factory. I have been feeling puffy and unattractive, so the ego boost was a nice bonus.
It was actually kind of a nice reminder that I can leave the house and focus on other things besides my current cycle. I actually lived dangerously and had a couple of drinks!
I haven't felt this good in a long time. Hopefully,I can ditch Moaning Myrtle by the wayside, at least for a couple of weeks.
By the way readers, thanks for all your well-wishes, commiserations, and advice. I am so new to this, and so clueless in a lot of ways (although, I am learning fast!) and I greatly appreciate all of your input.
It was a truly horrible feeling. Like the rational part of you is locked up in a tiny little cage, surrounded by your hormones, which are surrounding it and jeering and poking it with pointy sticks.
Which is why this cycle has been such a pleasant surprise so far. I finally feel like I am off the crazy train. After three months of manic-depressive weepiness, this is like being on vacation. Of course, the Clomid was covered by insurance. Of course, the fact that I have finally returned to normal is making me wonder if the drugs are working. However, I am feeling distinct twinges from good ol' Lefty, and it may not be time to send Righty to the glue factory yet...there's a distant pinging that bodes well.
Let's see:
Clomid: Pros- free, and you can just take a pill. Cons: hot flashes, random weeping, and screaming one-sided arguments about the way my husband folds underwear.
vs.
Gonal-F: Cons: $1000 a month and lack of psychotic side effects makes me wonder if it's working. Potential for track marks on my tummy. Pros: getting to keep my sanity.
Tough call.
I went out with the girls last night, and we had a blast and didn't discuss the current fertility situation with me. I even got hit on a couple of times. I totally needed that! Going through all this medical treatment sort of makes me feel like a lab experiment. Like I am ovulation robot or an under performing baby factory. I have been feeling puffy and unattractive, so the ego boost was a nice bonus.
It was actually kind of a nice reminder that I can leave the house and focus on other things besides my current cycle. I actually lived dangerously and had a couple of drinks!
I haven't felt this good in a long time. Hopefully,I can ditch Moaning Myrtle by the wayside, at least for a couple of weeks.
By the way readers, thanks for all your well-wishes, commiserations, and advice. I am so new to this, and so clueless in a lot of ways (although, I am learning fast!) and I greatly appreciate all of your input.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
All Hail the Mylar Envelope
Aaaaaaand, my drugs have arrived!
I exhaustively read the enclosed information, and I am feeling a lot more confident about the shots, mainly because I can just inject myself in the stomach, like with the Ovidrel. Hallelujah!
Not to mention, I have been researching online, and it looks like I may no longer be insane, now that I have bid farewell to Clomid. The most common cited issues were "heavy feeling in ovaries" and ....wait for it..."tiredness". Uh oh. Maybe that will react with the tiredness from the progesterone and make me super-energetic?
Why are you laughing? It could happen.
So I may be comatose, but at least I won't be sobbing uncontrollably at pictues of baby penguins or dog food commercials.
I exhaustively read the enclosed information, and I am feeling a lot more confident about the shots, mainly because I can just inject myself in the stomach, like with the Ovidrel. Hallelujah!
Not to mention, I have been researching online, and it looks like I may no longer be insane, now that I have bid farewell to Clomid. The most common cited issues were "heavy feeling in ovaries" and ....wait for it..."tiredness". Uh oh. Maybe that will react with the tiredness from the progesterone and make me super-energetic?
Why are you laughing? It could happen.
So I may be comatose, but at least I won't be sobbing uncontrollably at pictues of baby penguins or dog food commercials.
Friday, July 27, 2007
I Got You, Babe.
Happy Anniversary, my love. I cannot put into words how much it means to me that we have made it this far. If we have to go through this mess, I am glad we are in it together. You have been endlessly patient, upbeat, and tolerant through it all, and hopefully it will all pay off in the end.But if it doesn't, we're definitely taking that big trip to Europe.
Love,
J
Today is it...the big number five!
The Man and I were lying in bed together this morning, and ended up spending most of the early afternoon holed up together- still in the bed, lounging and talking.
The general concensus was that it has been a good five years, and that on the whole, we're two very lucky people. Lucky to have found each other, lucky to have supportive families and wonderful friends, and a nice house.
Unfortunately, somehow counting my blessings made me think of the one thing that we don't have. I started to tear up, and The Man immediately and wordlessly held out his arms and wrapped them around me. I managed to keep my cool, and somehow pulled back from the brink.
I feel incredibly selfish. Why do I have to remind myself that five wonderful years with the love of my life should be enough? And while we both want children more than anything, would we have been able to sleep in and spend the day together and sort of drift through the afternoon if we had kids? Probably not. Would we be able to pick up and go away for the weekend at a moment's notice? Definitely not. Evenings out at nice restaurants would be forsaken, unless we could scrounge a sitter.
We went out tonight for a lovely celebratory evening, where I ate a positively ridiculous amount of food (although we skipped both lunch and dinner in favor of staying in bed today) and had creme brulee for dessert. No alcohol though, because hey, hope springs eternal.
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