Where NOT to go

On Day 1 of your period:

JoAnn's Fabrics, 5 PM. I got into the line, the lady in front of me had three kids, the one in back of me had two little boys. The line snaked over 10 people long, I idly glanced around, and realized that I was the only female under the age of 50 who was there without a kid. It was one of those weird moments when someone else seems to be inhabiting your body.

The mom army looked tired, but cheerful, steadfastly denying multiple requests for candy and fielding phone calls and obviously trying to figure out just what the hell they were going to fix for dinner tonight.

I am thinking that this may be the rest of my life.

I talked to my mom. I have had one horrible conversation with her since Thanksgiving, haven't heard from anyone else, and so I figured I should call.

She asked if I had decided to continue with treatment or not.

"Well," I said, "Unless we move on to IVF, it's pretty pointless. I have kind of decided that I am not screwing over my body anymore for less than a 25% chance at something."

"Well, we never heard back from you," she said, "About whether you wanted help still. We were waiting to hear what the doctor had to say."

"Ok...." I trailed off kind of aimlessly. "You know Mom, I pretty much left the ball in the court with you guys. When I didn't hear back, I didn't want to be pushy."

"Well, we didn't want it to seem like we were being invasive."

ARRRRGH!!!!! ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

"Mom, I opened that door. It's not invasive to ask for info you need to know to make a decision." (Even though I have told them everything that could possibly have any bearing on this...and I made it clear that we were waiting on their decision so I could make mine!)

"Well, it sounds like you have changed your mind, but if you want our help, all you have to do is ask for it."

"I probably will reevaluate things after the first of the year. Thanks for offering."

This is when she starts to backpedal.

"Well, we may be able to help with part of it. Maybe half and half."

Which she knows perfectly well isn't a possibility for us. I wish it was, but the military isn't exactly overly generous, and the housing market in Cali has tanked, so a second is out of the question at this point. Add on college tuition, and we're getting by, but our savings is not what it should be.

I did my best to get off the phone without blowing up, and now I am sitting here, seething.

I can't ask for or expect help from these people any more. I need to accept that offering is only a gesture, not a reality with them, and that if it fails, I will never hear the end of it and my guilt will be crippling. It's just not worth it. If I am doing this, it is just going to have to happen on its own, or it is not happening at all. And I am just going to have to accept that.

At least, that's how it looks to me at 11:30 PM on a Wednesday night.crap. It's much too late to try to go watch Enchanted again.