This was supposed to be a comment...

But it got way too freaking long!

Thanks guys- I need to do SOMETHING, not sure what yet. I do have a couple of ideas. If worse comes to worse, we can use plastic, but since we just paid our cards off, that option isn't particularly appealing! I just hate that place where infertility takes you, when you feel like suddenly, everything is hopeless. I was feeling that way in a big way last night. Thanks so much for all your words of support- It means the world to me.

I know I just need to be patient for now. I know this is not the time for me to become a mom. We'll be in a better place to do this on our own when (and if- that's a whole other story) we go through the move and The Man's job change. I just need to be patient, and stick to my guns...I knew my instincts about asking my parents for help were dead on, and I ignored the red flashing lights and sirens, because I was at the end of my rope, and did it anyway. The worst part is, I feel stupid for ignoring my gut feelings. I asked for help, knowing it would put me in a bad place. I went along with their plans for Thanksgiving, ignoring my feeling that it was going to be awful. Both were things that I had bad vibes about, but somehow, I thought, "This time, it will be different. You're just being overly sensitive."

Someone's blog that I read earlier today referred to a quote- the gist was that it was stupid to perform the same experiment the same way over and over and expect a different outcome.

I need to accept the fact that while they are my parents, and we love each other, they have always used money to control me, and my reproductive system and my emotions and their pockets are just something that should not mix.

The Man and I had a heart-to-heart today. We bought a Christmas tree, and spent the day decorating and tidying up the house, since we both had the day off- a rare occurance around here!

He was asleep when I talked to Mom and had my little breakdown last night. I explained what had happened, and when I said I couldn't ask them for help, he agreed with me. So at least we are on the same page about that.

"I don't know if it's worse to have hope or not," is what he said about it. "I feel like I am being punished for something."

Since this is an emotion I can fully relate to, we talked about that for awhile.

The conversation drifted from there into adoption and potentially, fostering. It's the first time he has ever even been willing to discuss one of those options. He says he is more open to adoption. This is a huge step for him.

We discussed where we would need to be to bring a child into our lives- whether someone else's, or our own. The Man has still not made a concrete decision as to where he is going to be in a year, and I put my foot down and said I didn't want to move forward with any more treatment until we had a set plan and a schedule that I could work with.

We accomplished a lot. I feel a lot more hopeful. It's so hard to sit and wait for what you want...but I know that I have done what I am capable of doing with my own resources so far, so waiting seems like the most sensible option that I have.