Vortex

Crazy couple of weeks- including finding out that I was going to need to host Christmas morning this year- 24 hours in advance. AIIIGH! I did pull it off, which unfortunately means that we may be doing it every year from now on. Oops!

It's funny- I haven't been posting a lot, mainly because I stepped off the IF rollercoaster. Without all the blood draws, injections, meds, ultrasounds, etc, it just feels like I don't have a lot to contribute lately.

I have been doing some research though. I bought the Newsweek that talks about "Fertility and Diet". Of course, they are very careful to state that it's "anovulatory infertility" that they are talking about, but still an interesting read.

In other news, I got contacted by someone regarding the new book coming out on Jan 2. by Cindy Margolis: HAVING A BABY…WHEN THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY ISN’T WORKING: Hope and Help for Everyone Facing Infertility.

I agreed to review it, and they offered at least one extra copy to give away on my blog! I haven't been keeping up with blogs, so you all might be reviewing too! ;) But so far, it is a good read, and I have a lot to say about it.

In the meantime, I hope you guys are having a wonderful holiday season. I have to say that Christmas was seriously better than Thanksgiving. Of course, it could hardly have been worse! Christmas was epic in comparison, actually. And no, I never did send out cards. Hopefully, we'll have something to announce next Christmas to make sending them worthwhile!

We're both still going to the gym. I have lost around 5 lbs, and The Man has lost his double chin. Operation Hot Mama is still going strong.

We're trying to figure out more ways to have fun and exercise and be active- two or three activities involve our dogs, which means there is a new project ahead.

Here's a pic of both the little hellions:



The blonde is Bear, and the black shaggy guy is Bosco. Bear actually used to be a "problem dog"- acting out, pooping in the house, jumping the fence (ok, the last one hasn't been addressed yet) and then some kind angel lent us the book by Cesar Milan, otherwise known as "The Dog Whisperer."

As it turns out, we weren't the owners of a "problem dog". We were the problem. It's worked like magic. Tonight, The Man told Bear, "Get in the tub, Bear!" so we could give him a bath. And he very meekly did. And this is the same dog that would have to be wrestled in every time before this. It's like crazy doggie voodoo.

The Man and I are heading for the coast tomorrow- with dogs in tow, to try to socialize them, and treat them to a ride in the car and maybe some good frolicking time at the beach. They haven't gotten to hang out much with other dogs, so we want to get them used to it- plans to visit the dog park are imminent, but have been postponed several times because our guys can be pretty wild. We plan to take pictures, and will hopefully escape with our lives.

Operation Hot Mama

The Man and I have joined a gym. (If you want specifics, you can read more here.)

It wasn't something I was specifically looking to do. I am in fact already a member of a women's gym across town. But I am bad about going....and now a new gym just opened up around the corner from us. It has a pool. The Man has been wanting to train for an officer position, which requires him to be in fantastic shape, with the ability to swim 1500 meters.

He told me this, and while I managed to successfully contain my laughter, this is a man who has never set foot in a gym EVER, and who tends to consider a lengthy afternoon of computer web surfing strenuous activity.

However, I am nothing if not supportive.

So we signed on the dotted line. My reasoning is, I have spent the last couple of years TRYING so hard to get pregnant, and nothing has worked. Maybe switching the focus towards "getting healthy" will be helpful, and maybe my body will figure out what to do on its own. Or not. But as The Man put it, "We may not be parents, but we will be HAWT! At least, this is kind of a guaranteed thing."

Thanks babe.

The added bonus is that I suddenly have a whole lot of time with him, and we are seeing new sides of each other, which you tend to do when you're up at 4:30 AM and struggling bleary-eyed into spandex pants.

Me: This time of day needs a name.

The Man: "The Time of Day That Shall Not Be Named"?

Me: I was thinking more like, "Satan's Buttcrack".

Guess which one we chose?

I have also accomplished a staggering amount by 8AM- Gone to the gym, gotten back, made breakfast and packed lunches for both of us, found a recipe for Peanut Chicken online and threw the ingredients in the crockpot, started cleaning out the fridge.

It's insane. Of course, the downside is, we will be exhausted and ready for bed around 7PM.

Now I have to call FedEx because those arsebrains seem to have lost The Man's Christmas gift. Which shows as "delivered", but never was. %^&*!

Bite the bullet

The Christmas cards have begun to arrive.

The Man asked me if we were going to do one this year.

We sent out a happy, smiling picture of us last year, and it feels like everyone who sends cards has their kids all over it. I am not sure if there is a point to this or not.

In other news, I sent an e-mail to my father, letting him know which gifts I was getting for other family members, so there wouldn't be duplicating. At the end, I typed:

"Don't worry about The Man, the gift I got him isn't on his list."

The e-mail I got back from my dad read as follows:

"Hmm. Got something for The Man that is not on his list?"

Maybe I am paranoid, but to me, this suggests that he thinks I am miraculously expecting a 7lb. bundle of joy.

I almost replied, "I am making him something, and it's a surprise!" Which is true, but would probably dig me in even deeper.

Other things I considered saying, because I am evil:

1. Herpes! It's the gift that keeps on giving.
2. A sex swing and some leather restraints. They were on sale.
3. A vial of our combined blood to wear around his neck.
4. Penguins!
5. A lobotomy and some tights.

In the end, I just told dad that I had gotten The Man some books and was knitting him some slippers, which has the advantage of actually being true. There's some other stuff, sci-fi DVD's, etc, but I didn't bring that up.

So, no response. I have a feeling that my assessment was right on the money. Damn it.

Call screening

Hooray for tree decorating! I am slowly filling in the bare spots on our blue spruce.

These guys didn't make the cut for the top of the tree- they'll go down firther, where kitties have a habit of playing pinata with them.
______________

"Jen! Grab your phone!"

I was scrambling to get ready, because we wanted to catch the matinee for The Golden Compass. I heard the ringer getting louder, which means that The Man has nabbed my phone.

"It says private caller."

I grabbed my keys and sunglasses, and started struggling with my jacket while the ringing stops.

"It's gotta be your parents, do you want to call them back?"

"Sweetie, I just want to have a good day. I can't see them saying anything that I want to hear. Besides, we're running late."

We headed out to the car, and I hopped in, managing to balance all the crap tht I take with me.

He gave me a narrow look, because we both know that ignoring things isn't really the way to go.

I sighed, and picked up the phone and dialed.

"Hi Mom."

"Hey Jen! That was fast."

After a few seconds of inconsequential chitchat, she brought it up, again. She and Dad must have had another talk. The gist of what she said was that they were in a position to help us, and the 50% idea was in case they needed to help on more than one cycle. I explained that we only wanted to do one cycle. If that didn't work, we would need to either explore other avenues to becoming parents, or we would hopefully be in a position to take care of costs ourselves.

There was a pause. "I don't want you guys to limit yourselves because of money. I feel like we got our wires crossed. I thought I told you that Dad and I wanted a little more info before we could give you a definite answer."

I did the verbal equivalent of shrugging, and politely changed the subject.

Maybe at some point, we will get desperate enough to take them up on it. For now, however, it's just not worth it to me. I am glad she called and clarified matters, but I am going to acknowledge that this road is just not going to be easy, and I think I would rather be in debt to a bank than to my parents when I am thinking reasonably about it.

Anyway. The Golden Compass fell a little flat, after that. I had a hard time watching some of the scene, since a lot of them involved children being kidnapped. But the special effects were great. I added the series of books to my endless wishlist on Amazon.

This was supposed to be a comment...

But it got way too freaking long!

Thanks guys- I need to do SOMETHING, not sure what yet. I do have a couple of ideas. If worse comes to worse, we can use plastic, but since we just paid our cards off, that option isn't particularly appealing! I just hate that place where infertility takes you, when you feel like suddenly, everything is hopeless. I was feeling that way in a big way last night. Thanks so much for all your words of support- It means the world to me.

I know I just need to be patient for now. I know this is not the time for me to become a mom. We'll be in a better place to do this on our own when (and if- that's a whole other story) we go through the move and The Man's job change. I just need to be patient, and stick to my guns...I knew my instincts about asking my parents for help were dead on, and I ignored the red flashing lights and sirens, because I was at the end of my rope, and did it anyway. The worst part is, I feel stupid for ignoring my gut feelings. I asked for help, knowing it would put me in a bad place. I went along with their plans for Thanksgiving, ignoring my feeling that it was going to be awful. Both were things that I had bad vibes about, but somehow, I thought, "This time, it will be different. You're just being overly sensitive."

Someone's blog that I read earlier today referred to a quote- the gist was that it was stupid to perform the same experiment the same way over and over and expect a different outcome.

I need to accept the fact that while they are my parents, and we love each other, they have always used money to control me, and my reproductive system and my emotions and their pockets are just something that should not mix.

The Man and I had a heart-to-heart today. We bought a Christmas tree, and spent the day decorating and tidying up the house, since we both had the day off- a rare occurance around here!

He was asleep when I talked to Mom and had my little breakdown last night. I explained what had happened, and when I said I couldn't ask them for help, he agreed with me. So at least we are on the same page about that.

"I don't know if it's worse to have hope or not," is what he said about it. "I feel like I am being punished for something."

Since this is an emotion I can fully relate to, we talked about that for awhile.

The conversation drifted from there into adoption and potentially, fostering. It's the first time he has ever even been willing to discuss one of those options. He says he is more open to adoption. This is a huge step for him.

We discussed where we would need to be to bring a child into our lives- whether someone else's, or our own. The Man has still not made a concrete decision as to where he is going to be in a year, and I put my foot down and said I didn't want to move forward with any more treatment until we had a set plan and a schedule that I could work with.

We accomplished a lot. I feel a lot more hopeful. It's so hard to sit and wait for what you want...but I know that I have done what I am capable of doing with my own resources so far, so waiting seems like the most sensible option that I have.

Where NOT to go

On Day 1 of your period:

JoAnn's Fabrics, 5 PM. I got into the line, the lady in front of me had three kids, the one in back of me had two little boys. The line snaked over 10 people long, I idly glanced around, and realized that I was the only female under the age of 50 who was there without a kid. It was one of those weird moments when someone else seems to be inhabiting your body.

The mom army looked tired, but cheerful, steadfastly denying multiple requests for candy and fielding phone calls and obviously trying to figure out just what the hell they were going to fix for dinner tonight.

I am thinking that this may be the rest of my life.

I talked to my mom. I have had one horrible conversation with her since Thanksgiving, haven't heard from anyone else, and so I figured I should call.

She asked if I had decided to continue with treatment or not.

"Well," I said, "Unless we move on to IVF, it's pretty pointless. I have kind of decided that I am not screwing over my body anymore for less than a 25% chance at something."

"Well, we never heard back from you," she said, "About whether you wanted help still. We were waiting to hear what the doctor had to say."

"Ok...." I trailed off kind of aimlessly. "You know Mom, I pretty much left the ball in the court with you guys. When I didn't hear back, I didn't want to be pushy."

"Well, we didn't want it to seem like we were being invasive."

ARRRRGH!!!!! ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

"Mom, I opened that door. It's not invasive to ask for info you need to know to make a decision." (Even though I have told them everything that could possibly have any bearing on this...and I made it clear that we were waiting on their decision so I could make mine!)

"Well, it sounds like you have changed your mind, but if you want our help, all you have to do is ask for it."

"I probably will reevaluate things after the first of the year. Thanks for offering."

This is when she starts to backpedal.

"Well, we may be able to help with part of it. Maybe half and half."

Which she knows perfectly well isn't a possibility for us. I wish it was, but the military isn't exactly overly generous, and the housing market in Cali has tanked, so a second is out of the question at this point. Add on college tuition, and we're getting by, but our savings is not what it should be.

I did my best to get off the phone without blowing up, and now I am sitting here, seething.

I can't ask for or expect help from these people any more. I need to accept that offering is only a gesture, not a reality with them, and that if it fails, I will never hear the end of it and my guilt will be crippling. It's just not worth it. If I am doing this, it is just going to have to happen on its own, or it is not happening at all. And I am just going to have to accept that.

At least, that's how it looks to me at 11:30 PM on a Wednesday night.crap. It's much too late to try to go watch Enchanted again.

Land Of Enchantment

OK.

If you haven't gone to see "Enchanted" yet, please go see it.



I have actually seen it twice. With The Man. And we come out of it wearing big, dopey grins each time.

The irony mixed with the fairytale is seriously hysterical. If you're having a crappy day, this will totally fix it- I swear!

Quatre Choses (Four Things)

Once again, tagged by Farah!

Four jobs I have held in life:

* Pizza Wench (Woodstock's Pizza in Davis, CA) Yeah, I threw the dough in the air and everything. I also got to pour a pitcher of beer into a patron's lap once. He totally deserved it, so I didn't get in trouble.
* Graphic Designer/Camerawoman/production assistant for a local news broadcast.
* Marketing Coordinator. For people who may have been the minions of Satan.
* Mad Sci.entist (seriously.)

Four movies I have watched more than once:

* Monsoon Wedding
* Under The Tuscan Sun
* Dangerous Liasons
* The Witches of Eastwick

Four places I have vacationed

* Paris
* Beautiful British Columbia
* New York
* Hawaii (twice- Maui and Oahu)

Four of my favorite foods:

* Armenian food- if I have to be specific, pilaf, lulu kabob, yalanchi, and a cheese borag are the shizznit. Ok, I can't believe I said shizznit. But all other adjectives are just not doing it for me.
* Seared Ahi
* Another meal (sorry) Medium rare ribeye, loaded baked potato, steamed broccoli, French Onion soup, Perfection.
* I already said doughnuts in another post- um, it's a toss up between Breyer's Vanilla Bean ice cream and my home-made plum sorbet. Yum!

Honorable mention: Mac N' Cheese.


Four places I would rather be:

* On an ocean cruise, someplace tropical
* Disneyland!!!!!
* On a European tour
* New Orleans for Mardi Gras.

Four hobbies I engage in regularly:

* Knitting
* Reading
* Shopping on Amazon
* Cooking food-type things

Spicy!

Inspired by Farah, I decided to take the test and find out which spice I am. (Old Spice! Just kidding.)

Your Score: Cayenne Pepper

You scored 75% intoxication, 75% hotness, 100% complexity, and 50% craziness!

You are Cayenne!

You're known for your dry wit, saucy remarks, and ability to stimulate (take that however you want). People in hot climates like you for your ability to make them sweat, but you're also quite good for people all over the world. Just don't mention your cousin, deadly nightshade.

Link: The Which Spice Are You Teston OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test