Wednesday, November 28, 2007

tea and sympathy

Thanks guys!

I do appreciate your desires to give The Man a talking to.

We had that conversation on Thanksgiving night. He agreed that he had, in his own words, "been crappy." And he apologized profusely.

The next night, when I reported that the lady at the jewelry store said that my husband had no idea about my taste in jewelry (true...coals of fire!) he was mortified.

As it turns out, he had over-analyzed things based on my wedding ring, which is a magnolia design, and is very vintage and a little asymmetrical.

"I just thought you liked those kind of swoopy shapes!" he said, pathetically.

So he is now doing research for Christmas. I agreed to look around ebay and give him examples of what I like, on the grounds that if he wants to get me jewelry, next time around he will have a better idea of what to do.

His Mom found out what had happened, and made sure to take me out and get me a dog-free birthday cake, which was really sweet of her. Go figure- it took 5 years, but I finally have a decent relationship with my M-I-L.

Talked to my Mom yesterday. As it turns out, they all stayed an extra night and talked about my "behavior". Ouch. They seem to be of the opinion that I was just in a bad mood from the get-go, and that no amount of effort on their part would have fixed that. I was just determined to be unhappy.

Oooookay.

I was pretty much speechless. Mom wanted to keep chitchatting, and I just cut her off with, "Sorry, I know you have stuff to do, so I had better let you go."

Christmas should just be a ball of fire. I am thinking that we are going to eschew my family altogether. I have had it with them. And I can't help thinking about the whole thing with the psychic going on about the "toxic environment." Ugh.
______________

The Man and I were watching The Daily 10 tonight.

He's never said a lot about being smacked repeatedly in the face with the whole baby thing. But one story was about Nicole Ritchie's pregnancy, and how Paris Hilton now wants a baby because then their kids can play together.

Then there was another story about Christina Aguilera talking about her Uber Eggs and her hubby's Super sperm, and showing the magazine cover of her splayed out and displaying her spray-tanned baby bump.

At this point, my husband yelled, "Oh F--K YOU!" and hurled an aptly named throw pillow at the TV set. Right before the report seguewayed into "5 hottest celebrity moms."

"Why are we watching this?" he asked, irritably. Then the commercial for the Zales Journey diamond pendant started- the one that shows the couple dating, getting married, and then proudly holding up a baby. The tagline is something about commemorating all your precious life experiences together.

He uttered some more profanity and then snatched the remote out of my hands and hit the power button.

"I can't believe it, it's everywhere," he said, disgustedly. "No wonder you get upset all the time."

Well, yeah.

In other news, Tiramisu, my feline stalker, has been Velcro Kitty all day today, after virtually ignoring me since my last medicated cycle. He keeps edging up onto my lap or my chest and gazing lovingly into my face, giving me kitty kisses on the nose, and generally acting like a completely different creature than the sulky little brat that he usually is.

I am trying not to get my hopes up.

Monday, November 26, 2007

We should have brought a tent

I feel so guilty. I have not been keeping up with blogs.

Mainly because I am not sure how to tell you guys about the disaster that was Thanksgiving/my birthday.

I feel incredibly ungrateful when I think about everything that went "wrong". And boy howdy, I am glad I am not in the middle of another infertility cycle on top of all of it, because that would have just been...well.

Here are a few things that may or may not have happened:

1. Hanging out with my sis and sis-in-law (who look like Angelina Jolie and Mandy Moore, respectively) made me feel like a beluga whale. An old, ugly beluga whale encrusted with moldy barnacles.

2. I bought and wrapped my own birthday gift from my husband, who didn't even bother to get me a card.

3. I showed up at the house, and realized that nobody else had bothered to get me anything, either.

4. Except for a birthday cake, which I was obscenely grateful for. Until my mom put it on a low shelf for a second when she was getting ready to serve it and my brothers dogs licked half the frosting off of it. Nobody really wanted it after that.

5. I mentioned the "couch-to-5K" program I am doing, and got to see the shifty looks that obviously meant, "Yeah right."

6. The phone call from my aunt who asked, "And how young are you today?" and when I said, "33" she sighed and said, "How time does fly!" In a way that was supposed to be consoling, but since my age doesn't bother me, I just wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her.

7. Mom said she would take me out shopping on the day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday. We stayed in town and avoided the mall. I didn't find anything I liked, and all the shopping was for other people. Dad showed up halfway through the day with a ring he bought for me as a surprise. It was the one nice thing that anyone had done, and I was almost teary.

8. Then Mom said, "Well, it's from both of us! Happy Birthday! Let's go home."

9. Then we got home, and Dad had bought identical rings for my sister and s-i-l.

10. My sister, who has a habit of wearing very thin pajamas and bending over and revealing half of her butt and all of her thong, decided to change clothes in the room that The Man and I stayed in. After dinner. Without locking the door, or utilizing the en-suite bathroom with a door that closes. The inevitable happened, and The Man walked in on her.

I should back this up by saying that The Man has commented on this before, and my sister just isn't modest on the same level that I am. In any event, I have discussed with my parents that my husband knows way too much about my sister's anatomy, and aside from saying, "Well, you know what she's like" and "we're in close quarters in that house"....yeah. I never knew how to bring it up.

I was furious. she kept protesting, "But he didn't see anything! I covered up!!" and I would just say, "What he saw is not the POINT. The POINT is that if you are changing in someone else's room, you make an effort to be respectful, and you tell them, or lock the door, or use the bathroom!"

It ended up with me leaving the house by myself at 9PM and walking down to the beach and staring sightlessly at the waves. The Man was watching movies with Dad and my brother, and I didn't want to make a scene, I just wanted to be gone.

I stayed gone for nearly an hour. As I was getting close to the house, I rounded the corner and saw my husband, who had been waiting for me.

He just kept repeating that he was sorry. Did I want to leave? Yes, I had every right to feel the way I did. He felt bad that he had screwed up my birthday.

We walked back to the house, and I stayed holed up in the room until bedtime. I eventually came out to try to have a sane conversation with my sister, which degraded into:

Her: "My blue pajamas are not see-through."

Me: "I assure you, they are."

Her: "They totally are not!"

Me: "Do you want me to give you the diameter of your nipples in centimeters? "

Her: "You're obviously just have a grudge and you're holding all this stuff against me. It's YOUR problem, not mine. How am I supposed to control what everyone sees?!"

Me: "That's an interesting perspective. Somehow, I manage to get through a family weekend without everyone seeing MY underwear. It's not rocket science."

Her:"You're just being unreasonable."

Me: "I don't feel that it's so unreasonable to ask that you not flash your crotch at my husband from across the room. Or to be respectful and lock the door when you're changing in our room."

Her: "I didn't know I was flashing! And he didn't see anything, tonight! I covered up with a towel."

It went around and around, and on, and on. I finally said, "Look, all I am asking you is to be a little more modest around my husband. That's it."

We said goodnight and went to bed. I made my point, and in the process, l think I killed my friendship with my sister.

I am so glad to be home. But that's really the only thing I am glad about right now.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Happy Monday

I have a week OFF! 1 week free of manic customers, devoid of Other People's Kids, one whole week were I can get the house back in shape after the year-long depression I suspect I have been in.

I have started exercising again. I actually enjoyed it. I know myself too well to make rules for me to follow- as in the Pirates of The Caribbean movies, the rules have to be "more like guidelines". Because otherwise I feel all constrained and then I want to rebel and just...well, you know. Do nothing.

As I sit here, my parrot is trying to get attention from me. So the following monologue is what I am listening to: "Bear!!! HI Bear!!! Good BOY!!!! (Bear is the name of one of our dogs)Kitty kitty kitty....c'mere! Helllooooooooooo......Hi! Whatcha doin'? Pretty Bird! Cluck cluck cluck...Huh? Quack quack quack...huh? Oh. Woooooooo! WoooOOooooOooooooooOOOoooo! Silly silly silly bird!!!"

He also calls for my husband by name in an increasingly loud and irascible voice (I wonder who he learned that from?), makes noises like creaking doors and car alarms, and warbles in operatic fashion whenever he hears Gwen Stefani on the radio.

It's like living with a very small cheerleader with mental issues. The most disturbing part is that he's adopted my tone of voice and a slightly higher pitch, and I know these are all things that I say. Of course (thankfully) I don't string them all together.

In other news of the weird, we are going to spend Thanksgiving with my family. The Man said, "You know, if they are making us crazy, we can just go to the beach." I guess he has a point.
And we can't stay too long, because of the pets, so it's the perfect excuse to get back home if we need to.

The Man asked me last night what I want for my birthday and for Christmas. Aside from the obvious but as yet unachievable (world peace, Ferrari, 7 lb. 6 oz. bundle of joy) I have no idea what to tell him...but I know that if I don't, I am probably not going to like what I get. Since I have spent a considerable amount of time hinting for things and he obviously has not picked up on any of the hints, and my birthday is on Thanksgiving....I don't know what he is going to do. I have an Amazon wishlist. for heaven's sake. Get it together, guy. I am NOT ordering my own gift for the third year in a row.

How are you guys doing?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

8 Random things

Well, Meghan has tagged me! And I definitely needed it. Away we go.....


Here are the rules: Once tagged, you must link to the person who tagged you. Then post the rules before your list, and list 8 random things about yourself. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to 8 other people, visit their sites, and leave a comment letting them know they’ve been tagged.

I am going to have to tag the eight people later. I am woefully behind in my blog check-upping.

1. I am like Snow White. I don't burst into song or anything, but animals seem to be drawn to me, and it tends to freak people out.

2. I can't whistle, and didn't learn how to snap my fingers until I was in my 20's. I also have to think about right and left, and will occasionally sneak a peek at my hands to see which one makes the "L".

3. I have a very girly side, but I tend to hide it from people. For example, my family birthday cake every year is white Dream Cake, with heaps of whipped cream and pink white chocolate shavings on top. I now make the excuse that the kids in the family like it, but it really is still one of my favorites.

4. I am horribly near-sighted, and have worn glasses since I was in the third grade. I'm actually officially myopic in my left eye, due to a detached retina at the age of 24. Nobody can figure out how it happened, but they fixed it pretty well.

5. I have always been a voracious reader, and I read ridiculously fast. I also like to read and re-read my favorites.

6. I love East Coast Swing Dancing and swing music. I used to be a pretty decent dancer- lifts and everything- but I have unfortunately gotten out of practice.

7. My junk food Kryptonite? Doughnuts. Specifically, maple bars.

8. The biggest scar I have runs horizontally along the bottom of my left calf muscle. I got it while riding my bike when I was 12, and coincidentaly, that's how many stitches I had to have.

Where have I been?

I honestly couldn't tell you. This last week or so has been a maelstrom of conflicting emotions. My friend had her baby, and sent the pictures, and while I have to admit I felt a pang, I didn't feel like the universe was out to get me and dissolve into tears. That was weird enough.

Other than that, The Man and I have been enjoying a "second honeymoon" of sorts. He's had lots of time off, and I haven't, but what spare time I have had, I have spent with him....and also knitting and posting on Ravelry, which is an unfortunate addiction.

How are you guys doing?

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

The Aftermath

Regarding the advice from the psychic, you guys are right. It was a ridiculous amount of info to take in (and I actually spared you guys a lot of it!). I am still turning it over in my mind.

I think I have decided not to pursue IVF in January.

There are a couple of reasons for this, not just because (as my husband teased) "Some guy with a deck of cards told you not to."

I have not heard back from my parents re: helping out. My doctor's consult is this Friday. While I was in SF, my sister told me they had decided to help me, because "mom mentioned it when they talked on the phone last week."

Ok, back up...they haven't said one damn thing to me about it. My emotions connected with that are pretty complicated, but what should sum it up is a conversation I had with The Man after going out to dinner with my parents and my aunt last week.

First of all, the dinner was horrible. It started out with dad asking me if I had darkened my hair.
Me: Yes.

Silence.

Me: Do you have any objective commentary?

Dad: Um, no, not really.

The whole dinner was like that. To me, it just seemed to exemplify everything about my relationship with my parents and their relationship with each other that I can't stand. Plus the service was just...abysmal, which didn't help.

In the car on the way home, fueled by one really bad mixed drink, I just kind of exploded.

"You know what really bugs the crap out of me? " I spluttered. "Your parents? I don't always get along with them. But if we asked them for help with something like this, they would have gotten together, looked at their finances, and either said "Yes, we can help you," or "Sorry, we're broke," and I would have just been able to accept that and move on. My parents still haven't give me a straight answer, and they have just left us dangling for over a month now! And it's not because they don't want to help. I think it's because I asked for something, and by God ,they are going to hold this over my head, because they like the feeling of having power over us!!!!!"

Now that I am a little calmer, I have some more perspective on it, but seriously. They know how depressed, how upset, how frantic I have been. I wish they would just put me out my misery. The worst part? I suspect they want to make it a birthday surprise or something. Is there a Hallmark card for that occasion?

My sister and I had a great conversation about this. My parents like to give gifts, and then apply conditions to them. They think this is motivational. I think it is manipulative, and over time, it has made me paranoid. I have spent the last month envisioning, "If you lose 70 lbs, we will pay for IVF!" conversations.

I expressed this to my sister, and she kind of pooh poohed it. Then we both made each other laugh by making up ridiculous scenarios.

"If the IVF is successful, you have to turn the child over to us, so we can raise it as our own!"

"If you get pregnant, you will have to stay in Fresno FOREVER!"

"On her 16th birthday, the child will prick her finger on a spindle and fall into an enchanted sleep!"

Things like that.

So, with the financial thing being up in the air, the other factor is, I finally feel like myself again. For the first time in over a year. I don't have crazy hormones flooding my system, and I'm not so depressed that it's hard to get out of bed, and I have to admit that a lot of it is because some crazy guy with a deck of cards just told me that it WILL happen, and that is enough for me.

In other news:

AF was supposed to arrive on Halloween, and as of yesterday morning, she still had not shown up. I woke up, stumbled to the bathroom bleary eyed, to POAS. When my husband asked what was up, I told him, and added, "I know it will be negative, I am just doing it, because then my period will start."

So of course AF showed up yesterday afternoon, and now The Man is jokingly adamant that I am never POAS-ing again, so he can have "unrestricted access." (yes, he is a dork.)

Happy Tuesday ladies!

Monday, November 5, 2007

Notes from The Great Beyond, Continued.

If you haven't read the first part of this, you should probably check it out here.

If my writing sounds stilted, it's because English is not this guy's first language. While, I think he is German or Austrian, not Italian, he reminded me of no one so much as Bruno Tomnioli, the crazy judge from Dancing With The Stars, maybe because he uses incredibly offbeat metaphors. He also gave off a kind of...ahem, Eurotrash vibe- longish hair, little mod boots that zipped up the sides. He fidgeted a lot, with the zippers on his boots, with the tape recorder, with his slim-cut jacket.

It came time to stop the freestyle reading, where he just blurted things out at me. We went into future predictions. I chose cards, and he interpreted them for me.

"Yes, Jenna, you are definitely going to be a mother soon." he said. "Motherhood is in your aura, and the soul of your child is already out there waiting to be born. Definitely a mother once, before 35, maybe twice, although that will be up to you. I don't see you being satisfied without having some kind of career. I am not saying that you will not have two, but it's up in the air depending on what you decide. You are a person who will pour everything into your children. You will feel that it would not be fair to have a new baby when you will be so focused on career. "

Ooooookay. At this point, my hopes were up incredibly high, and he just lost me. This was a bit too new-agey for me to handle. Also, it didn't sound like me, but then, I am not focused on career yet. However, I guess the reason that he tells you crazy things that you already know about yourself at the very beginning is that when he gets out there like this, you think, "Well, he was right about this other stuff. Maybe I should give him a chance."

There was a long silence. "Allright." I said. He smiled, and just looked at me.

"Your child will be a boy," he said. "You will know, even before he is born that he is going to be a big, robust, and ACTIVE child!" At this point, he burst into peals of laughter, and my heart quailed within me.

As a child, The Man was a menace. I hear stories of his shenanigans all the time Not to mention huge- as an adult, he's about 6'5", compared to my modest 5'7". And was in the 99th percentile for head size at birth, as my MIL likes to remind me constantly. I suddenly realized that I had started mentally turning over becoming more charitable about the idea of a c-section.

"Your child will be driven...so bright! And athletic. He will excel at sports...more than one. Colleges will fight over him."

Holy crap!
I always always always have said that if I had a kid like The Man, I would make sure he was active in sports, to keep him or her focused and on the rails. Part of me was thinking this, and the other part just kept muttering, "This has to be a fairy tale. This is too perfect to be true."

He continued, "You and your husband are the best possible parents for this child. Your parents were not right for you, his were," (at this point, he threw his hands up in the air) "just AWFUL!"

He stopped short and said, "Your husband is fortunate in his choice of a wife. He knows how much. Most women would have looked at his parents and either shut down or run away. You can only deal with such people by digging in and standing your ground, and you are such a very unusual combination- so sensitive, so diplomatic, but so hard-headed! And your husband is stubborn too. He had to be, to survive in that environment."

At that point, I burst into involuntary laughter. Right before The Man went overseas, we had just gotten married, and I had a blowout with his mom, over something that she had either mis-heard or completely imagined (what time we were going to be there for Thanksgiving). She ruined the holiday for everyone by acting like a lunatic. It ended with her telling my husband that his family was more important than his wife. She demanded an apology from me, and I was pushed to my limit. I refused to give her one. I said I would apologize for the misunderstanding, and she refused to acknowledge that there was one. So I didn't talk to his family the whole time The Man was overseas, and even beyond....almost a year.

This is getting unbearably long. Let me get to the weirdest part.

I asked about children again. Specifically, when? He shook his head.

"Soon. Not tomorrow....that would be miserable for you. You are not in the right phase to have children, not yet. It is not about time, it is about timing. I do not see it happening until after you move. You're in a stagnant environment, it is becoming toxic. It is not time for a baby yet. You have had these thoughts yourself. You will not have a baby until you leave this environment.

Then he said something that really pissed me off. "Once you are in the right place, in the right environment, there should be no problem having your son. I don't think you'll need to try for two years to have your son." He snapped his fingers. "Like that."

At this point, I kind of erupted out, "We have been trying for five years, and nothing has worked!"

He shook his head. "You are both so healthy. There's nothing biologically wrong with either of you. I don't see falling pregnant even being an issue for you. But it isn't going to happen until you move."

He paused. "Have you seen specialists?" I nodded. "Do they have any ideas, solutions? Extra fertilizer so something? "

Well....no, they don't.

I shook my head, and he smiled indulgently. "The reason they can't figure out what is wrong, is because there is nothing they can do about it. It is something you need to do. Remember, timing, not time. Stop worrying about your age. You are so young! It's more about where you are mentally than what the calendar says. And until you move, you will not be in the right place to have children."

There was a lot more about career, and about my family. He closed with, "Make sure you drink more water. You've been bad about that lately."

Well.....it's true! I have.

I am not sure how I feel. Skeptical? Oh yes, that's there. But the agonizing "What if''s" seem to have been quelled, at least for now.

I told The Man about it, and he thinks that I am nuts, but is glad that I feel better.

What do you guys think?

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Notes from the Great Beyond

Wow.

I have to say, my experience with a psychic was, in fact, pretty mindblowing.

He started talking as soon as I came into the room, and surprisingly, children didn't come up immediately. I gave him my birthdate, and he looked at it and kind of made an exclamation of surprise. (I checked with my sis later, and he didn't do this with her.)

"You are a force to be reckoned with," he said. "You go your own way, and you are a leader. You are a fierce and loyal friend, and also a formidable enemy. I would not want you to be angry with me! You are incredibly independent. The best way to keep you is to give you freedom and trust that you will come back. Your talents are diverse, so much so that you get distracted and lose focus. You are incredibly resourceful, and incredibly intimidating to people who do not know you well. You are an emotional person who doesn't like to show it. You wear your heart on your sleeve, and you wish you didn't. You can be strong for everyone except yourself."

So far, pretty accurate. It is hard to judge yourself, though. When I repeated it to my friends, though, they said things like, "Holy Crap. Who is this man, and how much did it cost? When can I see him?!!!"

I showed him a picture of my husband...and that's when I started to freak out.

"Your husband is in pain," he said. "Too much for someone his age. Has he had a back injury? He's let it go for a long time, and he needs to get it taken care of."

When The Man was stationed overseas, he was in the back seat of a Humvee. Driving through the desert, they took a bump too fast, and The Man hit his head so hard on the rollbar that he was knocked out. He woke up on a backboard at the medical tent. He's had back problems ever since, and no amount of nagging will help.

I just said, "Yes, he has back problems."

"Why are you so afraid to be a bitch?!" he asked. "You are in charge of this relationship. He will follow you." He paused and said, "2008 is going to be a huge year for you. If you are not considering moving yet, you should."

Another pause. "You need to be in a big city. You are stagnant where you are, and you need to have inspiration to live your life to the fullest."

Another pause. I think I said, "Okay."

"Make sure your husband knows that he is making this decision too. He is inclined to blame joint decisions on you, and it is because you are his motivation. He is less decisive than you are.Once you decide, you will jump. And he will have to jump after you, but it takes him longer to make up his mind." Another pause. "Sometimes, it is like you are a tugboat and he is an ocean liner. Once he gets going, it goes smoothly, but he needs that push, and the push comes from you. You provide the power and the momentum."

At this point, my mouth was dry. Because that is a frighteningly accurrate depiction of our relationship.

"Sometimes, you resent this relationship. Because you wonder how long you will have to pull, and you think that maybe doing this for your whole life might be too much. You are a very independant, magnetic person, and you worry that your passion for each other isn't what it should be. I see the two of you building...you have some block in your relationship that is causing you to pull back.By your mid-thirties, you will stop holding yourself back to much, and you will have the passion that you want."

He paused again. In between, I said a lot of "Okay's" and "Uh-huh's".

"Wow your husband has a crazy family!" Truer words were never spoken. "He has gone through some trauma, abusive parenting. He deals with depression, and it is hard for you to deal with. Sometimes you can pull him out of it, and sometimes you can't eventually, you will win out."

"Alcoholism runs in his family. It's in his blood. Someone close to him...a sibling? Has a problem with drinking." (His sister has had three DUI's and been to rehab.) He is prone to this too. Keep an eye on it. He could use this to mask what is wrong. He hates his job."

He continued,"Why do you worry so much about money?" (Hello! IVF! I thought, but did not say.) "Money is the curse of civilization. You should be comfortable about what you have. You and your husband are both very resourceful, very employable. I don't see you having money problems, particularly after the next year."

Then he said, "You are going to be a mother. At least once. Before the age of 35. You may have more than one."

OK guys, I am sorry, it's To Be Continued! I will post more tonight.

I am completely blown away.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

I'm off to see the wizard...

And to enjoy the streets of SF. Here's wishing you guys a great weekend! I'll give an update as soon as I get back.

P.S. Saw my parents the other night...no word on financing. My appointment with the RE is on the 9th. I'm getting a little anxious.

P.P.S. AF due yesterday or today, but hasn't shown up. Huh.