I just...don't even know what to say.
I've had two weeks to come to terms with things. If a loved one dies, you have what: three days off work? A week? I suppose, depending on your work situation, you could take compassionate leave for longer than that.
I basically spent the first week of post retrieval taking compassionate leave from my life, and spent the second half in denial, and here we are again, at Day One. I am so NOT ready for Day One.
I still don't have an answer back from my sister. At this point, my gut reaction is that she has had three weeks, and if she is still not sure, then it's not a decision she should make: and she therefore has no business getting caught up in this nightmare.I called today, and left a message: basically saying that we were holding up the process for an answer, but if she still wasn't sure, we would need to know ASAP, as a lot of huge decisions hinge on this.
This presents a problem. Do I move forward? With what? I have two months left in the Bay Area. I have called another clinic for a second opinion: while I love my current clinic, I feel like it's a disservice to not at least consider input from someone else. I spent most of the day making phone calls- to see if someone can move up my consult at the new place (no: or not much) , to alert them that it's Day One at my current clinic, to my acupuncturist asking what I should do herb-wise, the aforementioned call to my sister, a few calls to my husband, and another question to my new clinic when they didn't initially call me back within a few hours.
I am now exhausted, and a giant ball of emotion, because of the answers I needed, I got few. I did talk to my doc at the current clinic. I explained that on the basis of one retrieval with no egg, I felt like I wasn't quite ready to accept that the rest of the batch was crappy. I explained that The Man doesn't want to adopt, and refuses any other donor than my sister. We only have two months left in the Bay Area. W have to do this now.
He doesn't want me to cycle this month. He wants me to talk to someone else. He doesn't think I am ready to handle another round- that decisions made under the stress I am under aren't ideal. His contention is that both doctors I mentioned are good, guys he knows, and he wants me to be sure before I move forward. He also made the point that if we go with donor eggs, this buys us time.
I tried explaining that donor eggs from anyone other than my sister are not an option for us, and that going through this process again, with a new clinic, in a new town, was something I really didn't want to do. And if she says no, if it's between my potentially crappy eggs or nothing, I choose my crappy eggs. That we had come here, to this HORRIBLE place, for the express purpose of doing this, and that I didn't think waiting was going to change anything in any positive way.
He doesn't see it the same way. So I guess my decision has been made for me. It doesn't make me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel worse. I won't be able to start up at the new clinic in time to "use" this cycle- and that's if they think I can even manage on my own. It also means that I'll potentially be going through either my last round of IVF or a donor transfer at Christmas time, which is pretty much guaranteed to be extra stressful, if not a total trainwreck, no matter how you slice it.
At this point, my only option is to wait, and/or call the acupuncturist and see what he says: he alluded to some ideas of his, but was unwilling to share his ideas. I guess it's time to get aggressive.
Showing posts with label acupuncture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label acupuncture. Show all posts
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Reboot
Here we go again!
Another 28 day cycle. Another Saturday start. At least some things are predictable. ;)
I went in today for the baseline ultrasound. We saw a follicle getting started (on the left, of course) and then discussed the plan. This time, some Clomid, a small amount of Gonal-F the week prior to ovulation, and then the trigger shot- plus some kind of drug that is supposed to serve as "backup" in case my body doesn't want to wait until the appointed time. It locks the egg in the follicle somehow.
I was appalled to see that the drug that serves as "backup" was about $5 out of pocket at the pharmacy. I realize that my situation is rare but knowing that a $5 prescription could have saved us thousands of dollars, a lot of blood sweat and tears, a month's time, and a few acres of frustration is...well. Infuriating.
So- Clomid was a doozy for me last time. We will see what we get out of it. I got great results last time: tons of follicles, along with The Crazy. So I will be really careful to avoid any movies containing babies....actually, animals or babies, since both made me cry hysterically last time around. Do Not Want.
The fridge is stocked, the yoga DVD is out, I went to the RE, then acupuncture, then took my first dose of Clomid tonight...so it should be all systems go. Fingers crossed.
The Man said he was looking at SUV's online today, "just in case". It melted my stony, frozen heart. Granted, he was very excited about one that seats 9. I think he may be getting way ahead of me, here. He tried to make the excuse that it was because the back seats could fold down so we would have room for kids and dogs. Uh-huh.
Another 28 day cycle. Another Saturday start. At least some things are predictable. ;)
I went in today for the baseline ultrasound. We saw a follicle getting started (on the left, of course) and then discussed the plan. This time, some Clomid, a small amount of Gonal-F the week prior to ovulation, and then the trigger shot- plus some kind of drug that is supposed to serve as "backup" in case my body doesn't want to wait until the appointed time. It locks the egg in the follicle somehow.
I was appalled to see that the drug that serves as "backup" was about $5 out of pocket at the pharmacy. I realize that my situation is rare but knowing that a $5 prescription could have saved us thousands of dollars, a lot of blood sweat and tears, a month's time, and a few acres of frustration is...well. Infuriating.
So- Clomid was a doozy for me last time. We will see what we get out of it. I got great results last time: tons of follicles, along with The Crazy. So I will be really careful to avoid any movies containing babies....actually, animals or babies, since both made me cry hysterically last time around. Do Not Want.
The fridge is stocked, the yoga DVD is out, I went to the RE, then acupuncture, then took my first dose of Clomid tonight...so it should be all systems go. Fingers crossed.
The Man said he was looking at SUV's online today, "just in case". It melted my stony, frozen heart. Granted, he was very excited about one that seats 9. I think he may be getting way ahead of me, here. He tried to make the excuse that it was because the back seats could fold down so we would have room for kids and dogs. Uh-huh.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
And the waiting begins.
I woke up promptly this morning. Someone down the street was screaming frantically and banging on something metal- over and over again. Our dogs both started going berserk.
The Man leapt out of bed, threw on some pants and went charging out the door and down the sidewalk.
Unfortunately, it was a tourist from some Germanic place. She had somehow locked herself in the public bathroom down the street, and started panicking- screaming for her husband at the top of her lungs and banging on the metal door. The Man strode up to see her befuddled husband standing, gaping, outside the door.
I got the story when he returned- he evidently let her out, then went inside the bathroom, and easily opened the door twice.
As a female who has traveled extensively, you do dumb things occasionally. Granted- hopefully they are not at 6AM. At this point, my adrenaline levels were through the roof, thinking that someone had been assaulted, or was being eaten by a giant space whale. I will attribute that last theory to being groggy, and to having watched too much Dr. Who in the past week.
So The Man and I snuggled up for a bit, and then he went to work. I crashed again soon after he left. It's been a quiet day- I have been cooking and stuff, and at some point was reading a book, petting one of the dogs with my feet, until I realized that it was not in fact a dog. It was a furry black Ugg boot, which I left under the coffee table last night.
So yeah. I am still somewhat woozy. Back to taking my acupuncture herbs, and doing my best to stay upbeat and not worry.
The Man leapt out of bed, threw on some pants and went charging out the door and down the sidewalk.
Unfortunately, it was a tourist from some Germanic place. She had somehow locked herself in the public bathroom down the street, and started panicking- screaming for her husband at the top of her lungs and banging on the metal door. The Man strode up to see her befuddled husband standing, gaping, outside the door.
I got the story when he returned- he evidently let her out, then went inside the bathroom, and easily opened the door twice.
As a female who has traveled extensively, you do dumb things occasionally. Granted- hopefully they are not at 6AM. At this point, my adrenaline levels were through the roof, thinking that someone had been assaulted, or was being eaten by a giant space whale. I will attribute that last theory to being groggy, and to having watched too much Dr. Who in the past week.
So The Man and I snuggled up for a bit, and then he went to work. I crashed again soon after he left. It's been a quiet day- I have been cooking and stuff, and at some point was reading a book, petting one of the dogs with my feet, until I realized that it was not in fact a dog. It was a furry black Ugg boot, which I left under the coffee table last night.
So yeah. I am still somewhat woozy. Back to taking my acupuncture herbs, and doing my best to stay upbeat and not worry.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
The good, and bad, and the really crappy.
Today was- well, basically, horrible. Just an FYI.
I went in. I met my anesthesiologist, made polite small talk, and tried not to freak out when he couldn't get the IV into my hand- it hurt like a mo-fo. He ended up using the site I had initially suggested- The "magical blue dot" on the inside of my right elbow hasn't failed me yet.
That's basically the last thing I remember- getting the IV situated, Dr. Charming coming in...and then I woke up, to see The Man and Dr. C, and knowing from the facial expressions that something was wrong.
I ovulated early. I went through anesthesia and the whole crapload, only to have them go in, and my egg had already flown the coop. Follicles on the right were too small to retrieve. So it was all a bust.
Dr. C had immediate suggestions, because of course, tears.
We could wait this cycle out, I could do an IUI...because after all, my husband's sample was really good. At which point I blurted out, "Because the problem is ME. I am the weak link here, right? I have had six medicated IUI's- none of them worked!" The worst part was seeing my husband's face, while he tried to hold on to my left hand- which wasn't swathed in gauze. And Dr. C said, "Well, we discussed donor eggs too. Maybe we should talk about that. What do you want to do?
And I, tear streaked and groggy on the table, nasal cannula still in, just started repeating, "I just want to go home. I just want to go home. I can't talk about this right now."
And Dr. C left the room, and my husband's face was so full of sorrow, and it was awful. While I processed all the money that had been wasted, in the form of drugs that didn't do what they were supposed to do, and the anesthesia which I went through for absolutely no reason. Which we will also have to pay for. And I was filled with such- loss. And fury. And incredible frustration.
The nurse came in, detached my cannula, and looked horrified when I ripped off the multiple layers of tape and bloody gauze from the initial IV site on my hand. It was obvious that I was developing a big purple swelling which would turn into a bruise the diameter of a silver dollar. She suggested that The Man would need to help me get dressed, as I would be wobbly. I waited until she was gone until I hopped off the table, fueled with adrenaline, and managed to get dressed with no assistance. Yet another indicator that I'm an alien- coming out of anesthesia like that is typical, for me.
I asked to speak with the doctor again. He said early ovulation is really rare. I asked why we hadn't done an ultrasound before surgery. I think he said that would be a good idea next time. We ended up deciding to just do an IUI, and hopefully catch the egg. I made a reference to sending in "Seal Team Six", which would mean that my uterus is Pakistan, and the egg is Osama Bin Laden, which really isn't as funny. And not accurate, as it is most likely "Seal Team 100 Million."
They told us that we should come back in 30 minutes for my IUI. All I could think of wanting to eat was a Chai Frappuccino- which isn't Paleo, but I think on a day like this, I am entitled.
So yeah. We got Frappuccinos and did our seventh medicated IUI. The Man held my hand. I have pretty much been ok and resting quietly in bed today, aside from a few bouts of teariness and the requisite update calls to Mom. And my acupuncturist. I am taking herbs that should improve the likelihood of fertilization and implantation. We will see.
I did some online research. That trigger shot is supposed to work in 36-48 hours, but some women ovulate up to 12 hours earlier. I just got lucky, I guess.
So, against all our plans, the 2ww is upon me. I am trying to be hopeful, but the odds are definitely against me.
I went in. I met my anesthesiologist, made polite small talk, and tried not to freak out when he couldn't get the IV into my hand- it hurt like a mo-fo. He ended up using the site I had initially suggested- The "magical blue dot" on the inside of my right elbow hasn't failed me yet.
That's basically the last thing I remember- getting the IV situated, Dr. Charming coming in...and then I woke up, to see The Man and Dr. C, and knowing from the facial expressions that something was wrong.
I ovulated early. I went through anesthesia and the whole crapload, only to have them go in, and my egg had already flown the coop. Follicles on the right were too small to retrieve. So it was all a bust.
Dr. C had immediate suggestions, because of course, tears.
We could wait this cycle out, I could do an IUI...because after all, my husband's sample was really good. At which point I blurted out, "Because the problem is ME. I am the weak link here, right? I have had six medicated IUI's- none of them worked!" The worst part was seeing my husband's face, while he tried to hold on to my left hand- which wasn't swathed in gauze. And Dr. C said, "Well, we discussed donor eggs too. Maybe we should talk about that. What do you want to do?
And I, tear streaked and groggy on the table, nasal cannula still in, just started repeating, "I just want to go home. I just want to go home. I can't talk about this right now."
And Dr. C left the room, and my husband's face was so full of sorrow, and it was awful. While I processed all the money that had been wasted, in the form of drugs that didn't do what they were supposed to do, and the anesthesia which I went through for absolutely no reason. Which we will also have to pay for. And I was filled with such- loss. And fury. And incredible frustration.
The nurse came in, detached my cannula, and looked horrified when I ripped off the multiple layers of tape and bloody gauze from the initial IV site on my hand. It was obvious that I was developing a big purple swelling which would turn into a bruise the diameter of a silver dollar. She suggested that The Man would need to help me get dressed, as I would be wobbly. I waited until she was gone until I hopped off the table, fueled with adrenaline, and managed to get dressed with no assistance. Yet another indicator that I'm an alien- coming out of anesthesia like that is typical, for me.
I asked to speak with the doctor again. He said early ovulation is really rare. I asked why we hadn't done an ultrasound before surgery. I think he said that would be a good idea next time. We ended up deciding to just do an IUI, and hopefully catch the egg. I made a reference to sending in "Seal Team Six", which would mean that my uterus is Pakistan, and the egg is Osama Bin Laden, which really isn't as funny. And not accurate, as it is most likely "Seal Team 100 Million."
They told us that we should come back in 30 minutes for my IUI. All I could think of wanting to eat was a Chai Frappuccino- which isn't Paleo, but I think on a day like this, I am entitled.
So yeah. We got Frappuccinos and did our seventh medicated IUI. The Man held my hand. I have pretty much been ok and resting quietly in bed today, aside from a few bouts of teariness and the requisite update calls to Mom. And my acupuncturist. I am taking herbs that should improve the likelihood of fertilization and implantation. We will see.
I did some online research. That trigger shot is supposed to work in 36-48 hours, but some women ovulate up to 12 hours earlier. I just got lucky, I guess.
So, against all our plans, the 2ww is upon me. I am trying to be hopeful, but the odds are definitely against me.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Home stretch
Sunday, 3 day weekend. 9AM. I was expecting a nurse to show up for my ultrasound. But no: There was Dr. Charming, in his scrubs.
Things are pretty good: Lefty's follicle is now up to 19 plus, Righty is still cooking along: but I was so uncomfortable and it is so far out there, all we could detect is a far-off ovary with a shadowy "something" inside. (Narnia!) We decided that when I am under anesthesia, he will take another look, and move forward accordingly.I am hoping to get more than one follicle out of this, so I guess we will be in suspense until the last possible minute.
Soo- last shot of Cetritide was this morning, trigger shot tonight. It will be the first of three. I have done so many IUI's, but never a retrieval, so this is all new territory for me. I am scheduled for 9:30 AM on Tuesday. Incredibly nervous, and excited. The Man has been briefed, I think we are ready.
We talked about baby names last night- something we haven't done for years now. This is such a big deal for us both- I hope the gamble pays off, this time.
I need to talk to my acupuncturist- since I will no longer be on any kind of medication, I need to see if there is anything I can do or take on my end, that will naturally help my body do what it needs to do. That should be an interesting conversation...
Things are pretty good: Lefty's follicle is now up to 19 plus, Righty is still cooking along: but I was so uncomfortable and it is so far out there, all we could detect is a far-off ovary with a shadowy "something" inside. (Narnia!) We decided that when I am under anesthesia, he will take another look, and move forward accordingly.I am hoping to get more than one follicle out of this, so I guess we will be in suspense until the last possible minute.
Soo- last shot of Cetritide was this morning, trigger shot tonight. It will be the first of three. I have done so many IUI's, but never a retrieval, so this is all new territory for me. I am scheduled for 9:30 AM on Tuesday. Incredibly nervous, and excited. The Man has been briefed, I think we are ready.
We talked about baby names last night- something we haven't done for years now. This is such a big deal for us both- I hope the gamble pays off, this time.
I need to talk to my acupuncturist- since I will no longer be on any kind of medication, I need to see if there is anything I can do or take on my end, that will naturally help my body do what it needs to do. That should be an interesting conversation...
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Needled
That's right! I have an R.E. that I LIKE! Which is...well, if someone's going to be all up in your business, liking them should be a prerequisite.
Cycle day one was Saturday, which was basically a timing disaster. Some of my meds needed to be refrigerated, so they couldn't be shipped for Monday Delivery, and I needed to start shots on Monday: and have my baseline ultrasound.
So I called the pharmacy and the doc's office. I was worried about the pharmacy, and I finally got them to agree (after much wrangling) to ship a partial order of just the drugs I would need for Monday- which didn't need to be refrigerated, thank goodness. The culprit (Bad Cetritide!) will be arriving with the rest of the shipment today. Whew!
The doc's office: I figured I would get a call from a service, or a nurse. what I got was a phone call from my R.E. himself, at 7PM on a Saturday night, to set up my Monday appointment. He performs every procedure in the office. Color me impressed! In the old days, Dr. Combover never deigned to see me himself, I would always get a nurse or a lackey. Which is probably a good thing (because I didn't like him anyway), but STILL. Dr. Charming also gave me the results of my Counsyl test: I tested negative for all genetic issues that could be passed on, which is amazing news. The Man is on notice that if any potential kid we have is weird, he is to blame. ;)
I spent Sunday napping, getting things in order, and planning how to spend the next month. Taking it easy, distracting myself, avoiding stress, and generally make this as likely as possible to work. I downloaded funny books for my Kindle. I put the scale away. I am considering getting a Netflix membership, so I can watch lots of comedies. The bedroom has been somewhat revamped. I have a plan for lots of fertility yoga, meditation, and knitting. My nails and toes are painted with sparkly polish, and I am doing my utmost to feel attractive, distract myself, stay positive, and stay active- all things that are challenging during IF treatment.
So yesterday was crazy. I needed to pay for my cycle. We have had the requisite dinero set aside in cash for a long time, and I had to go deposit it in my bank account. I went in, thinking, "OK, this is going to be weird, I have a banded sheaf of $100 bills, the teller will look at me like I am a drug dealer." However, it actually ended up being more awkward, because evidently, if it's quiet at the bank branch, security will usher you over to one of the cubicle guys who usually sets up new accounts or looks over loan docs.
And of course- guess what happened to me?
So I made polite small talk, and commented on the luscious aroma wafting over from the guy's coffee (Peet's!) and finally just decided "The hell with it." And I whomped that wad of cash on his desk and said, "I need to deposit this."
He did a triple take and asked, "Did you just win in Vegas?" Which of course, reminded me of this. I am a gambler. Hopefully, a good one.
The actual doctor's appointment went well. I wrote checks on about 90% of the money I had just deposited. I submitted all the paperwork and signatures. I got checked out and my blood was drawn. I was told to stop taking any supplements except for prenatals. Bye Bye, testosterone cream! I won't miss you, Hopefully, you did your job. They did a "mock retrieval" (Or was it a "mock insemination"? Something like that) and said it should be a piece of cake and I had drunk the correct amount of water. Two "venti" Starbucks cups worth, an hour before I showed up. Duly noted. I was pleased to note that I have less padding on my stomach area, as they could see what they needed to see with just a regular ultrasound. Everything was pronounced A-OK, and I am supposed to go in again on Friday for a look-see.
When I got home, my box from Freedom Pharmacy had arrived. I did a quick review of the contents, and then got ready for more adventure- acupuncture. I am usually awful about relaxing while I am supposed to be, but this time, I forced myself to leave my phone in my pourse, so web surfing was not an option. I actually did fall asleep.
I took my first shots last night- 375 IU Gonal-F, 75 IU Menopur. Holy Mackerel. I forgot the stress of making sure you get the mix right, or you can waste 700 bucks with one wrong move. I seem to have a ridiculous amount of syringes. So there was a lot of fiddling before I finally got it right. And about an hour later, I swear, I was feeling strange effects: I was hot. HOT! And had a crazy heaviness through my pelvic region. Bam. 40 lb. ovaries are coming down the pipeline. I also kept sighing. The Man seems to be getting more and more nervous with each and every sigh. "Are you OK?!" he keeps asking me, anxiety in his eyes. Concern for my welfare? Terror that The Crazy is coming down the pipeline? I probably don't want to know!
My refrigerated box showed up today: a 12" cube stuffed solid with syringes, sharps containers, a plethora of drugs, and a refrigerated packet. So that's all set.
My parents and in-laws are on board. I am sending out texts and emails with updates- something I never thought I would find myself doing the last time around. I got another text last night from Dad that said, "Good Luck: fingers crossed. We are praying for you. Mom says she will come if you need help. Tell The Man that if he needs help, he's on his own." Bhahaha!
Mom called this morning. She keeps offering to come and visit, which is lovely, but really, there's not a lot she can do! I told her we would keep it in mind, on the off chance that I go completely nuts and The Man needs help restraining me.
She has been very impressed with her realization that so many people are struggling with this. She saw something in the comics today about two tiny birds sitting on a nest with a dozen giant eggs in it, and the father bird was talking to a friend on a nearby branch. The caption said "Just say no to fertility drugs!" She was hesitant telling me about it, as she was afraid I wouldn't think it was funny, and was obviously relieved when I laughed. Then she said," We are so excited for you honey. Just don't turn into OctoMom." I was a little horrified, and tried to explain the difference between what I was doing, and what the limitations were, and she she explained that she was only kidding. (Thank God.)
So I am getting very literal. Also, zitty. Freaking hormones.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Let's do this thing! (playing catch-up)
So! I do have another blog- where I seem to be talking about everything EXCEPT infertility. If you're interested in that, it's over here.
General update: The Man and I just celebrated our 10th anniversary. Which means, 9 years of infertility. NINE years!!!! Ugh.
But- I am jumping back into the seemingly bottomless lake of infertility treatments, and frankly: this is the only place I can talk about that. People who deal with me day-to-day probably don't want to know about crazy shizz like "assisted hatching." Hell, _I_ don't even know what that is. Yet. But I probably will soon.
Because if infertility is a bottomless lake, I am finally going to do more than just stick the occasional toe in the water. As of a couple of weeks ago, I started paddling around in the shallow end, and am girding my loins (somewhat literally) to jump off the high dive in a few weeks. IVF, baby.
So we got started with one clinic, only to decide in the early stages that they were too far away- an hour and a half isn't a great drive to have to make. They also were really lackadaisical about doing things like answering my questions, leading to situations where I got test results back and FREAKED- and continued to freak over the 4th of July weekend, with no call back. It took six days to get my question answered, and of course, by then, I had whipped myself into a frenzy. No bueno.
So the question I needed answered was-My FSH is now around 12.1: not too terribly bad, as I am now an old-ish lady of 38. It's actually improved from 2009, when it was 14.9. The AMH however, is pretty dismal: 0.16. The frantic calls about that were the ones that caused the meltdown. I was concerned that they would flat-out refuse to treat me. So after all the googling of "low AMH" that I did- hopefully some other woman who is desperately googling at 2AM might run across this. Neither of the two clinics I was looking at said that my low AMH was a deal breaker. In fact, they seemed intrigued. And also flat out stated: "You need to hurry."
So, that's what we are doing. All the preliminary tests have been done. The Man still has his stellar numbers. I keep calling him "The Sperminator", which he seems alternately delighted and humiliated by. In all seriousness, I think the most awkward conversations I have had have been IF related, and having a lab tech wax rhapsodic about how great your husband's numbers are over the phone has to be experienced to be believed. Luckily, after a saline sonogram and a pelvic exam, my uterus has been pronounced "beautiful." So per medical science, I am actually beautiful inside and out. ;) And we are still "unexplained".
I didn't want to do this. I have done my utmost to get as healthy as I can, but obviously, we still have some deeper issue which is not being addressed, because we don't know what it is. the thought of subjecting my body to this roller coaster again is not one I make lightly.Unfortunately, we are to the point where we simply can't afford to sit around and wait.
I really like my new R.E.. He is young (by which I mean close to my age- LOL), earnest, and has disconcertingly beautiful eyes. He's also roughly 1000% nicer and more charismatic than Dr. Combover was- not being difficult to accomplish, as Dr. Combover had roughly the same bedside manner as a necrotic whelk.
I automatically checked to see if he was married, as I have many awesome single lady friends, and I am always acting in their best interests-although I may have earmarked him for my sister as a matter of course- but alas, he was wearing a wedding ring.
Also, he has a great sense of humor. By which I mean, he laughs at my jokes. How to make your RE laugh: when he points out your right ovary on the monitor during a procedure, tell him it looks like "a high pressure system coming in from the north." Evidently, not many ladies tell jokes while they are in the stirrups. And when the R.E. tells them he'll see them in his office in a minute, they probably don't cheerfully say, "Sure, I'll be right there- just let me put on some pants."
Oh man, I am so jaded. This doesn't even seem weird anymore. Hopefully I can continue along this trajectory, and not the sad, cookie-eating, hormonally incapacitated and psychotic iteration of the past.
Speaking of ovaries, Lazy Righty is evidently cooking up a follicle this month. I am going to send it some flowers.
In other news, my temps are great. I am still seeing an acupuncturist, and my temps have slowly crept up from being in the 95's and 96's to the 97's and 98's- AKA, normal human temperature ranges. Acupuncture is once a week, and I take about a bajillion herbal supplements twice a day.
My acupuncturist and I do argue occasionally- he says I am healthy enough to conceive on my own, but after 9 years of this, and two years with him, I am more than a little dubious. I am doing my best to make it clear that I can't afford to wait anymore. We were given "permission to try" this month and last month as well, so it is go time this week. He keeps insisting that IVF is not necessary, and I told him that I would be ecstatic if we managed to do it on our own, as we would use the money earmarked for the procedure to go on a fantastic European vacation instead, and I would send him a postcard from every country we visited lauding his acupuncturey prowess. I still don't think he agrees, but at least he shut up about it.
SO! Due to my super-low AMH, my RE told me that we were going to do something "A little unorthodox", and wrote me a prescription for testosterone gel. He also warned me that the pharmacy wasn't going to handle it well, as it is typically a male-only prescription, and just to brazen it out. Having done all my research during the Low-AMH meltdown of early July, I determined that he was trying to take a little bit of a shortcut- low AMH is typically addressed with DHEA supplementation- which bumps up your testosterone levels.
All I can say is, if there is any other way to get testosterone gel than walking into Rite Aid, I am all for it. Black market? Internet pharmacy? Muscular man in sunglasses lurking in the alley? Go for it (OK, maybe not the last one.)
The Pharmacist and the tech seriously freaked out. It doesn't help that the Pharmacist has a loud, booming Russian accent, and immediately blustered, "But- this is for men only!" in a voice that carried clear over into the cosmetics area. I quietly explained the issue, and he admitted that it was not that unheard of as he had "given it to one other lady in the past." I would like to thank you, other lady. If it was this much of a shell-shocker for me, I can only imagine how it was for you!
I now have two giant tubes of really expensive testosterone gel. The pharmacist helpfully said that I would have a lot left over, and told The Man that he should try it "If he ever wanted to take up the weightlifting."
He gave me a 20% discount, but even with that- since it is out-of-pocket, it was $360. #$%^!
So now, The Man is under orders to tell me if I start developing facial hair or my voice starts cracking. I have to rub this stuff into my shoulders every night, and am paranoid that I am going to grow some furry epaulettes. I was cautioned to avoid contact with anyone until the stuff dries, and am wearing a special t-shirt to bed. Like a chump. So it begins.
So the next Day One, my schedule and meds are set. I just need to call, and I will get my baseline ultrasound. It looks like Gonal-F, Menopur, Possibly an ovulation suppressant of some kind, and then the trigger shot, and then progesterone- seemingly forever.
Oh God. I am really doing this. Sometime this month!
General update: The Man and I just celebrated our 10th anniversary. Which means, 9 years of infertility. NINE years!!!! Ugh.
But- I am jumping back into the seemingly bottomless lake of infertility treatments, and frankly: this is the only place I can talk about that. People who deal with me day-to-day probably don't want to know about crazy shizz like "assisted hatching." Hell, _I_ don't even know what that is. Yet. But I probably will soon.
Because if infertility is a bottomless lake, I am finally going to do more than just stick the occasional toe in the water. As of a couple of weeks ago, I started paddling around in the shallow end, and am girding my loins (somewhat literally) to jump off the high dive in a few weeks. IVF, baby.
So we got started with one clinic, only to decide in the early stages that they were too far away- an hour and a half isn't a great drive to have to make. They also were really lackadaisical about doing things like answering my questions, leading to situations where I got test results back and FREAKED- and continued to freak over the 4th of July weekend, with no call back. It took six days to get my question answered, and of course, by then, I had whipped myself into a frenzy. No bueno.
So the question I needed answered was-My FSH is now around 12.1: not too terribly bad, as I am now an old-ish lady of 38. It's actually improved from 2009, when it was 14.9. The AMH however, is pretty dismal: 0.16. The frantic calls about that were the ones that caused the meltdown. I was concerned that they would flat-out refuse to treat me. So after all the googling of "low AMH" that I did- hopefully some other woman who is desperately googling at 2AM might run across this. Neither of the two clinics I was looking at said that my low AMH was a deal breaker. In fact, they seemed intrigued. And also flat out stated: "You need to hurry."
So, that's what we are doing. All the preliminary tests have been done. The Man still has his stellar numbers. I keep calling him "The Sperminator", which he seems alternately delighted and humiliated by. In all seriousness, I think the most awkward conversations I have had have been IF related, and having a lab tech wax rhapsodic about how great your husband's numbers are over the phone has to be experienced to be believed. Luckily, after a saline sonogram and a pelvic exam, my uterus has been pronounced "beautiful." So per medical science, I am actually beautiful inside and out. ;) And we are still "unexplained".
I didn't want to do this. I have done my utmost to get as healthy as I can, but obviously, we still have some deeper issue which is not being addressed, because we don't know what it is. the thought of subjecting my body to this roller coaster again is not one I make lightly.Unfortunately, we are to the point where we simply can't afford to sit around and wait.
I really like my new R.E.. He is young (by which I mean close to my age- LOL), earnest, and has disconcertingly beautiful eyes. He's also roughly 1000% nicer and more charismatic than Dr. Combover was- not being difficult to accomplish, as Dr. Combover had roughly the same bedside manner as a necrotic whelk.
I automatically checked to see if he was married, as I have many awesome single lady friends, and I am always acting in their best interests-although I may have earmarked him for my sister as a matter of course- but alas, he was wearing a wedding ring.
Also, he has a great sense of humor. By which I mean, he laughs at my jokes. How to make your RE laugh: when he points out your right ovary on the monitor during a procedure, tell him it looks like "a high pressure system coming in from the north." Evidently, not many ladies tell jokes while they are in the stirrups. And when the R.E. tells them he'll see them in his office in a minute, they probably don't cheerfully say, "Sure, I'll be right there- just let me put on some pants."
Oh man, I am so jaded. This doesn't even seem weird anymore. Hopefully I can continue along this trajectory, and not the sad, cookie-eating, hormonally incapacitated and psychotic iteration of the past.
Speaking of ovaries, Lazy Righty is evidently cooking up a follicle this month. I am going to send it some flowers.
In other news, my temps are great. I am still seeing an acupuncturist, and my temps have slowly crept up from being in the 95's and 96's to the 97's and 98's- AKA, normal human temperature ranges. Acupuncture is once a week, and I take about a bajillion herbal supplements twice a day.
My acupuncturist and I do argue occasionally- he says I am healthy enough to conceive on my own, but after 9 years of this, and two years with him, I am more than a little dubious. I am doing my best to make it clear that I can't afford to wait anymore. We were given "permission to try" this month and last month as well, so it is go time this week. He keeps insisting that IVF is not necessary, and I told him that I would be ecstatic if we managed to do it on our own, as we would use the money earmarked for the procedure to go on a fantastic European vacation instead, and I would send him a postcard from every country we visited lauding his acupuncturey prowess. I still don't think he agrees, but at least he shut up about it.
SO! Due to my super-low AMH, my RE told me that we were going to do something "A little unorthodox", and wrote me a prescription for testosterone gel. He also warned me that the pharmacy wasn't going to handle it well, as it is typically a male-only prescription, and just to brazen it out. Having done all my research during the Low-AMH meltdown of early July, I determined that he was trying to take a little bit of a shortcut- low AMH is typically addressed with DHEA supplementation- which bumps up your testosterone levels.
All I can say is, if there is any other way to get testosterone gel than walking into Rite Aid, I am all for it. Black market? Internet pharmacy? Muscular man in sunglasses lurking in the alley? Go for it (OK, maybe not the last one.)
The Pharmacist and the tech seriously freaked out. It doesn't help that the Pharmacist has a loud, booming Russian accent, and immediately blustered, "But- this is for men only!" in a voice that carried clear over into the cosmetics area. I quietly explained the issue, and he admitted that it was not that unheard of as he had "given it to one other lady in the past." I would like to thank you, other lady. If it was this much of a shell-shocker for me, I can only imagine how it was for you!
I now have two giant tubes of really expensive testosterone gel. The pharmacist helpfully said that I would have a lot left over, and told The Man that he should try it "If he ever wanted to take up the weightlifting."
He gave me a 20% discount, but even with that- since it is out-of-pocket, it was $360. #$%^!
So now, The Man is under orders to tell me if I start developing facial hair or my voice starts cracking. I have to rub this stuff into my shoulders every night, and am paranoid that I am going to grow some furry epaulettes. I was cautioned to avoid contact with anyone until the stuff dries, and am wearing a special t-shirt to bed. Like a chump. So it begins.
So the next Day One, my schedule and meds are set. I just need to call, and I will get my baseline ultrasound. It looks like Gonal-F, Menopur, Possibly an ovulation suppressant of some kind, and then the trigger shot, and then progesterone- seemingly forever.
Oh God. I am really doing this. Sometime this month!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Another year
Yesterday was my birthday.
All in all, it was sort of underwhelming. 36 is hard, harder than 35 for whatever reason. I just sort of went about my business as usual, and then The Man and I went out to a nice dinner. He did get me a nice gift this year, which was much appreciated :)
I did get a little teary at one point. It's hard not to think about what you wanted to have accomplished by now when your birthday rolls around. I was "supposed" to have a few kids by now. I just console myself with the knowledge that I am working on it, that we're in a much better place to raise children, and that I will be a better parent because of what I have been through.
Thanksgiving is also stressful: due to my dietary restrictions, I suspect that staying with my family is going to be a test of my patience, as usual. Last weekend, The Man and I stayed with Mom and Dad. Dad went out "to pick up something for breakfast" and came back with croissants and bagels. And yes, he knows I have a wheat allergy. There's no kind explanation, really! I keep wondering if they will buy a birthday cake for me, and then eat it in front of me. ;) I may have to make a gluten-free version for myself.
Warm The Mansion seems to be working. The acupuncturist is very pleased with my progress, and has asked me to get an ovulation predictor kit, so we can verify that my charts are accurate.
The other thing that is going on: I have started CrossFit, which is literally kicking my butt. I can't complain too much though, because I LOVE it, and also because HOLY MUSCLE DEFINITION BATMAN! The man patted me on the leg last night and then gave my leg an experimental squeeze and said, "That's impressive." I am also noticing that my jeans are beginning to feel roomy, which is something to be thrilled about.
All in all, it was sort of underwhelming. 36 is hard, harder than 35 for whatever reason. I just sort of went about my business as usual, and then The Man and I went out to a nice dinner. He did get me a nice gift this year, which was much appreciated :)
I did get a little teary at one point. It's hard not to think about what you wanted to have accomplished by now when your birthday rolls around. I was "supposed" to have a few kids by now. I just console myself with the knowledge that I am working on it, that we're in a much better place to raise children, and that I will be a better parent because of what I have been through.
Thanksgiving is also stressful: due to my dietary restrictions, I suspect that staying with my family is going to be a test of my patience, as usual. Last weekend, The Man and I stayed with Mom and Dad. Dad went out "to pick up something for breakfast" and came back with croissants and bagels. And yes, he knows I have a wheat allergy. There's no kind explanation, really! I keep wondering if they will buy a birthday cake for me, and then eat it in front of me. ;) I may have to make a gluten-free version for myself.
Warm The Mansion seems to be working. The acupuncturist is very pleased with my progress, and has asked me to get an ovulation predictor kit, so we can verify that my charts are accurate.
The other thing that is going on: I have started CrossFit, which is literally kicking my butt. I can't complain too much though, because I LOVE it, and also because HOLY MUSCLE DEFINITION BATMAN! The man patted me on the leg last night and then gave my leg an experimental squeeze and said, "That's impressive." I am also noticing that my jeans are beginning to feel roomy, which is something to be thrilled about.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Charting a course
I haven't had much to say: this feels very different from the last go-round. I did go in for tests on my thyroid, and everything is ok. The acupuncturist and I have been worried, because my morning temps when I am charting can get REALLY low (like down into "95 degrees" low) and they fluctuate a lot: although I am happy to report, it looks like I am now ovulating on Day 14 (one chart's worth of evidence) and it ALSO looks like my short luteal phase is no longer short! That's just a guess at the moment, but I feel pretty confident about it.
As Mr. Acupuncture is not happy with newfangled digital thermometers, I have ordered a glass version from Amazon. I have been keeping my feet warm, avoiding alcohol, caffeine, and dairy (chocolate is another story: sigh) I have been obediently taking my "Warm The Mansion" pills, and fish oil, my new Prenatal vitamins should also be arriving soon to replace the crappy Trader Joe's ones that make me barf occasionally....and I am trying not to panic. I am supposed to be going off to Mexico for a week, leaving next Saturday.
My chart went tri-phasic this week. Looking at it, it is pretty easy to see, even with the fluctuations. The "pregnant triphasic chart" example on Fertility friend looks eerily similar. I've told my BFF, and hinted to The Man, although I don't want to say anything definitive, as he will not let me go on the trip. But!!!! The possibility is there. Of course, it's one of those "hindsight is 20-20 signs", but I don't remember seeing anything like it, back when I was charting before. So worst scenario: my body has repaired itself. Best scenario: I don't even have the courage to type it.
As Mr. Acupuncture is not happy with newfangled digital thermometers, I have ordered a glass version from Amazon. I have been keeping my feet warm, avoiding alcohol, caffeine, and dairy (chocolate is another story: sigh) I have been obediently taking my "Warm The Mansion" pills, and fish oil, my new Prenatal vitamins should also be arriving soon to replace the crappy Trader Joe's ones that make me barf occasionally....and I am trying not to panic. I am supposed to be going off to Mexico for a week, leaving next Saturday.
My chart went tri-phasic this week. Looking at it, it is pretty easy to see, even with the fluctuations. The "pregnant triphasic chart" example on Fertility friend looks eerily similar. I've told my BFF, and hinted to The Man, although I don't want to say anything definitive, as he will not let me go on the trip. But!!!! The possibility is there. Of course, it's one of those "hindsight is 20-20 signs", but I don't remember seeing anything like it, back when I was charting before. So worst scenario: my body has repaired itself. Best scenario: I don't even have the courage to type it.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Mint Juleps and Needles
I survived my first acupuncture treatment and consult, and am pleased to say that I seem to have alleviated a frightening amount of issues with my dietary change back in March. Going through the paperwork itself was a revelation. My waking temps upon charting are still low, but are higher than they were last time around. We agreed that te bulk of the problems were fixed, and the ones that are left over seem to be pretty straightforward. One of the Chinese herbal concoctions I am taking is called "Warming the Mansion," which I find hysterical.
The acupuncturist has a great reputation, and he told me that he thinks I will be ready to have a baby within 6 months of treatment: and is willing to say on the record that he doesn't think I will need IVF to do it. But if I do, my body will be ready for it. So...pretty good news all told, and we are moving ahead! Obviously something is already happening with me: since my treatment, I have been floating around on a happy little pink cloud. It's a little unnerving. If I didn't know better, I would say I was stoned, just without the paranoia. No complaints here. ;)
In other news, a baby tiger was born in Germany: to a lady tiger who was previously thought to be infertile.
There's hope for all of us, I guess!
The acupuncturist has a great reputation, and he told me that he thinks I will be ready to have a baby within 6 months of treatment: and is willing to say on the record that he doesn't think I will need IVF to do it. But if I do, my body will be ready for it. So...pretty good news all told, and we are moving ahead! Obviously something is already happening with me: since my treatment, I have been floating around on a happy little pink cloud. It's a little unnerving. If I didn't know better, I would say I was stoned, just without the paranoia. No complaints here. ;)
In other news, a baby tiger was born in Germany: to a lady tiger who was previously thought to be infertile.
There's hope for all of us, I guess!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Out of the darkness
Wow. Reading back through this and seeing where I was is a little like traveling back in time.
Well, I ran away for awhile. I spent two years getting myself back. We moved: to the Bay Area, which has been more difficult than I had anticipated. We are now looking at houses. I have managed not to gain back all the weight I lost. I also figured out that a lot of my weird issues were caused by gluten intolerance. My weight is now much more stable, my skin is clear, my migraines are controlled, and my memory seems to be much better. I also have a ton more energy that I used to!
I have been putting my new found energy into finishing up old projects. And to that end, a week or so ago, I bought a book for my Kindle, called Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program For Maximum Fertility. It's about getting pregnant as naturally as possible. I liked the approach, which combined Eastern and Western medicine in a way that makes sense to me.
So: we're off! I actually looked up the blog as reference material, so I can fill out my medical info paperwork as accurately as possible, because I am seeing my new acupuncturist next Wednesday. And yes, I will be updating again, now that I have Something To Report.
It's the dawn of a new era, peeps!
Well, I ran away for awhile. I spent two years getting myself back. We moved: to the Bay Area, which has been more difficult than I had anticipated. We are now looking at houses. I have managed not to gain back all the weight I lost. I also figured out that a lot of my weird issues were caused by gluten intolerance. My weight is now much more stable, my skin is clear, my migraines are controlled, and my memory seems to be much better. I also have a ton more energy that I used to!
I have been putting my new found energy into finishing up old projects. And to that end, a week or so ago, I bought a book for my Kindle, called Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program For Maximum Fertility. It's about getting pregnant as naturally as possible. I liked the approach, which combined Eastern and Western medicine in a way that makes sense to me.
So: we're off! I actually looked up the blog as reference material, so I can fill out my medical info paperwork as accurately as possible, because I am seeing my new acupuncturist next Wednesday. And yes, I will be updating again, now that I have Something To Report.
It's the dawn of a new era, peeps!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Retread
This is not a new post. This is something that I posted on my other blog, almost exactly a year ago. (Wow! I can't believe it's been a year!) I wasn't really out of the closet re: the whole IF thing, so it's a little vague.
However, since I have been trying to find an acupuncturist in my area, and since we're talking about moving to SF, it's pretty relevant. And kind of informative, and as I read back over it, I got a few giggles out of it, so I decided to resurrect it.
__________________________________________________________________
October 23, 2006
Every two weeks, I go to San Francisco for acupuncture.
Yes, it has something to do with the whole baby issue. And evidently, it is working....to the point that people who hardly know me are saying things like, "You're so much calmer!"
The people who DO know me well have hatched a conspiracy theory which involves my unknowingly having taken some kind of Chinese lithium. (For the record, that one was Secret Squirrel, who watches way too much CSI.) But The Man has noticed. My family have noticed. And while it's great that it's working, there's some part of me that is resentful. (Ack! Was I so horrible before?!!!!)
I know they won't answer this honestly, for fear that I will suffer a relapse and attack them with a Salad Shooter. But still...! I am fully awarethat some things which would have rendered me apoplectic with rage at one time now are just sort of irritating, but nothing to get worked up over. Recognizing this while it's happening is sort of surreal.
Anyway. My regimen involves the needles, and an everchanging formulation of Chinese herbs that has come to be known simply as "Ass Tea." (Rhymes with NASS-TY!) The nearest way I can describe the taste? Murky. If you need more detail? It's like top ramen flavor packets with the salt removed. Yep. Taste sensation! I usually throw in some Crystal Lite, which is probably not condoned by ancient Chinese medicine, but does manage to camouflage the ass to some degree.
So, San Francisco. Secret Squirrel tagged along, and we had many strange and hilarious conversations. One that came up was the sad, strange take of Lorena Bobbit. Yes, guys, women talk about this all the time...and we laugh.
Me: "Whatever happened to Lorena, anyway?"
SS: "Well, she went to jail. I mean, she chopped it off."
Me: "I never understood that. Wouldn't he be pretty wiggly? He must have woken up.
Did she use anaesthetic? A machete? How is that logistically possible?"
SS: "Um, I think he was pretty drunk, but he woke up in the middle of it."
Me: "Welll...ouch."
SS: "I was always surprised there were no copycat crimes afterwards."
Me: "Well...I think men were probably much more zealous in guarding the junk after that. They were pretty traumatized, as I recall. Didn't they find it and sew it back on, and then he did porn or something?"
SS: Welll- I mean, she chopped it off, then ran off and threw it in a field. THEN they sewed it back on."
Me: "Thanks for the timeline."
SS: "Well, it couldn't have been out there too long. He's lucky. I mean, it could have been eaten by wild dogs."
(pause)
Me: A dingo ate my penis!!!!!!BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA......
Yeah, that's pretty much how the whole weekend went. We talked and laughed a lot, bought some yarn (aka crack) from Artfibers, met up with my sister for drinks, and ate some meals that were completely insane, but totally worth it.
On the way home, we hit the Bridge School Benefit, which was fantastic. It was worth it for the Foo Fighter's acoustic set alone.
However, since I have been trying to find an acupuncturist in my area, and since we're talking about moving to SF, it's pretty relevant. And kind of informative, and as I read back over it, I got a few giggles out of it, so I decided to resurrect it.
__________________________________________________________________
October 23, 2006
Every two weeks, I go to San Francisco for acupuncture.
Yes, it has something to do with the whole baby issue. And evidently, it is working....to the point that people who hardly know me are saying things like, "You're so much calmer!"
The people who DO know me well have hatched a conspiracy theory which involves my unknowingly having taken some kind of Chinese lithium. (For the record, that one was Secret Squirrel, who watches way too much CSI.) But The Man has noticed. My family have noticed. And while it's great that it's working, there's some part of me that is resentful. (Ack! Was I so horrible before?!!!!)
I know they won't answer this honestly, for fear that I will suffer a relapse and attack them with a Salad Shooter. But still...! I am fully awarethat some things which would have rendered me apoplectic with rage at one time now are just sort of irritating, but nothing to get worked up over. Recognizing this while it's happening is sort of surreal.
Anyway. My regimen involves the needles, and an everchanging formulation of Chinese herbs that has come to be known simply as "Ass Tea." (Rhymes with NASS-TY!) The nearest way I can describe the taste? Murky. If you need more detail? It's like top ramen flavor packets with the salt removed. Yep. Taste sensation! I usually throw in some Crystal Lite, which is probably not condoned by ancient Chinese medicine, but does manage to camouflage the ass to some degree.
So, San Francisco. Secret Squirrel tagged along, and we had many strange and hilarious conversations. One that came up was the sad, strange take of Lorena Bobbit. Yes, guys, women talk about this all the time...and we laugh.
Me: "Whatever happened to Lorena, anyway?"
SS: "Well, she went to jail. I mean, she chopped it off."
Me: "I never understood that. Wouldn't he be pretty wiggly? He must have woken up.
Did she use anaesthetic? A machete? How is that logistically possible?"
SS: "Um, I think he was pretty drunk, but he woke up in the middle of it."
Me: "Welll...ouch."
SS: "I was always surprised there were no copycat crimes afterwards."
Me: "Well...I think men were probably much more zealous in guarding the junk after that. They were pretty traumatized, as I recall. Didn't they find it and sew it back on, and then he did porn or something?"
SS: Welll- I mean, she chopped it off, then ran off and threw it in a field. THEN they sewed it back on."
Me: "Thanks for the timeline."
SS: "Well, it couldn't have been out there too long. He's lucky. I mean, it could have been eaten by wild dogs."
(pause)
Me: A dingo ate my penis!!!!!!BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA......
Yeah, that's pretty much how the whole weekend went. We talked and laughed a lot, bought some yarn (aka crack) from Artfibers, met up with my sister for drinks, and ate some meals that were completely insane, but totally worth it.
On the way home, we hit the Bridge School Benefit, which was fantastic. It was worth it for the Foo Fighter's acoustic set alone.
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