I was sitting in the patio area at Starbucks with my recently married friend, A.
We were sipping iced teas and catching up when the young man came up to us and asked for change.
Of course, he had a story, and whether his version was true or not- He said he needed $1.25 to catch the bus, and I will spare you the (long convoluted) back story, but he claimed that a friend had stolen $80 from his wallet, and he'd arrived at Starbucks to get a coffee and opened his wallet to find zero dinero. Since he had a bag containing a cable box from the Xfinity store, he could have been telling the truth.
I have implemented a policy where I will give out spare change. No folding money. If I have it, I have it, if I don't, sorry. Yeah, I have a policy, because it seems like I get asked for change everywhere I go, lately.
As it turns out, I had $1.50 in quarters and dimes. I gave him the requested bus fare. He said, "Thank you so much! And I know it's early, but Happy Mother's Day!"
It was like a knife to the heart. I somehow forgot it was coming. All the dreams I had last fall, thinking this would be the year I finally get to celebrate, just rushed over me.
Yesterday, I went to a function where a casual acquaintance was there with her two daughters. One has a child, but is divorced- the other is single. She was joking around, saying that she would take them out for lunch for Mother's Day, in the spirit of untapped potential, so maybe they would give her some more grandchildren. "Just think of how many eggs are in those ovaries! You need to use them before they all dry up!" The daughter with the child smiled and made a joke of it; the unmarried daughter looked like she wanted to sink through the floor. And I just couldn't control the expression on my face. I don't even know what it was, just that it was like I was wearing a mask, and the acquaintance asked, "Jen? Are you OK?" And I don't even remember what I said to her. Probably something reassuring.
I managed to make reservations for lunch for my Mom today. We've become a lot closer since we moved back. I have honestly been a lot happier, which helps. My brother will hopefully show up to celebrate with my parents, and The Man and I, since he is in town for the weekend. I don't want to ruin this, Mom deserves her day unsullied by meltdowns, so hopefully I have gotten all my typical emo crap out of my system.
Last night, in the car on the way to dinner with friends, I was telling The Man about the episode with the mother and her two children. And he said, "I have been thinking. We need to move forward. I don't want to stop trying to have biological children, but I think it's time to start looking into adoption. I am still not thrilled with the idea, but we have been waiting long enough for this phase of our lives to start, and my main concern is that I might not bond with an adopted child- but maybe some research will make me feel better about it."
I am still shocked. And so, amazingly grateful. When he uttered those words, it was like a huge weight was lifted off of me. I feel the same way- I don't want to stop trying, but I don't want to wake up at 42 and still be childless. That part of me that has been so angry and resentful with him for so long over the inequity of the situation was so deeply ingrained, and I just tried to bury it deeply enough so I could forget about it, but- looking over the last few years, and reading entries in this blog, I realized how it's just been poisoning me.
Whatever happens, I think I just received my first Mother's Day gift- a day early. My road to motherhood may not be conventional, but I finally feel like I am on my way. I have definitely earned my stripes.
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Whew.
I am not kidding when I say that yesterday was awful. I should also clarify that last (horrible) post- While my feelings are valid, this is from my point of view. So all that horrible secret crap that generally lives in your head got spewed out. It is strangely cathartic, to be honest.
And reading it made me realize- I don't want to go through with this without some assurance that I am doing this for the right reasons. And the primary source of a lot of that stress was, of course, that conversation with my husband.
So I printed out the blog entry, and put it on his desk, and when he got home, I asked him to read it. And I asked him to give me an answer. And he said he couldn't. And I said, "Well, if you can't answer this question, then I will no longer be moving forward with starting a family with you."
Cue a long, fraught, awful discussion. The air is now clear. I know where he is coming from, he knows where I am coming from, and I think we both are clear about what sacrifices we are willing to make, and which ones we aren't. The big question: "What if we proceed with this? What if it doesn't work?"
His stance; this is his limit. He doesn't want to move forward with anonymous donor eggs, and doesn't want to adopt. Either we have his biological children, or he doesn't want to have any.
Well- fine. I am not happy with this, but I can hope that if our options run out, he may change his mind. and I do still have options.
Granted, I spoke with my sister last night, and she's now having second thoughts. Understandable, but frustrating. I don't underestimate what she offered. She is worried that things will be weird (they might be, we would hopefully have a plan in place) and also that she would be jealous: she's not dating anyone, not married, and wouldn't have children outside of marriage. She's also worried that I would be jealous, if she wanted a relationship with any children we would have.
I've thought about it, and honestly, I don't think it would bother me. I expect my brother and my sister to have a close relationship with any children I would have- whether she helped us out or not. The Man and I agreed that we would name her as godmother at the baptism, if that were appropriate- honestly, the same (once again) as I would do if she wasn't involved.
If she takes awhile to make up her mind, we will just do another IVF cycle. Beyond that, if I can find an anonymous donor, maybe I can get The Man to consider it. We're not going to stop trying to have children, even if the donor cycle is successful. We're lucky: as horrible as this situation is, we both have parents who are in a position to help us shoulder what is looking like an ever-growing financial burden.No it's not ideal, but it's still possible. I'm 37, for heaven's sake. THIRTY SEVEN. It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings. Or you know, goes through "the change".
I spent most of the weekend grieving, and most of yesterday alternating between hysteria and anger. I feel strangely calm now- probably because there's now a plan, and I have accepted the terms. I didn't cry ONCE today- considering that I spend Thursday on pretty much in a vale of tears, that's definitely a good sign. I finally feel like myself again.
I just wish my sister hadn't offered to help before she thought about the potential repercussions. I certainly understand it: it's some seriously weird, sci-fi style stuff. If she were married and had children of her own, I am sure it would be a different story. All I can do is pray about it and hope for the best- a process that I honestly no longer have much faith in, but hey, I could get lucky.
And reading it made me realize- I don't want to go through with this without some assurance that I am doing this for the right reasons. And the primary source of a lot of that stress was, of course, that conversation with my husband.
So I printed out the blog entry, and put it on his desk, and when he got home, I asked him to read it. And I asked him to give me an answer. And he said he couldn't. And I said, "Well, if you can't answer this question, then I will no longer be moving forward with starting a family with you."
Cue a long, fraught, awful discussion. The air is now clear. I know where he is coming from, he knows where I am coming from, and I think we both are clear about what sacrifices we are willing to make, and which ones we aren't. The big question: "What if we proceed with this? What if it doesn't work?"
His stance; this is his limit. He doesn't want to move forward with anonymous donor eggs, and doesn't want to adopt. Either we have his biological children, or he doesn't want to have any.
Well- fine. I am not happy with this, but I can hope that if our options run out, he may change his mind. and I do still have options.
Granted, I spoke with my sister last night, and she's now having second thoughts. Understandable, but frustrating. I don't underestimate what she offered. She is worried that things will be weird (they might be, we would hopefully have a plan in place) and also that she would be jealous: she's not dating anyone, not married, and wouldn't have children outside of marriage. She's also worried that I would be jealous, if she wanted a relationship with any children we would have.
I've thought about it, and honestly, I don't think it would bother me. I expect my brother and my sister to have a close relationship with any children I would have- whether she helped us out or not. The Man and I agreed that we would name her as godmother at the baptism, if that were appropriate- honestly, the same (once again) as I would do if she wasn't involved.
If she takes awhile to make up her mind, we will just do another IVF cycle. Beyond that, if I can find an anonymous donor, maybe I can get The Man to consider it. We're not going to stop trying to have children, even if the donor cycle is successful. We're lucky: as horrible as this situation is, we both have parents who are in a position to help us shoulder what is looking like an ever-growing financial burden.No it's not ideal, but it's still possible. I'm 37, for heaven's sake. THIRTY SEVEN. It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings. Or you know, goes through "the change".
I spent most of the weekend grieving, and most of yesterday alternating between hysteria and anger. I feel strangely calm now- probably because there's now a plan, and I have accepted the terms. I didn't cry ONCE today- considering that I spend Thursday on pretty much in a vale of tears, that's definitely a good sign. I finally feel like myself again.
I just wish my sister hadn't offered to help before she thought about the potential repercussions. I certainly understand it: it's some seriously weird, sci-fi style stuff. If she were married and had children of her own, I am sure it would be a different story. All I can do is pray about it and hope for the best- a process that I honestly no longer have much faith in, but hey, I could get lucky.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
And the waiting begins.
I woke up promptly this morning. Someone down the street was screaming frantically and banging on something metal- over and over again. Our dogs both started going berserk.
The Man leapt out of bed, threw on some pants and went charging out the door and down the sidewalk.
Unfortunately, it was a tourist from some Germanic place. She had somehow locked herself in the public bathroom down the street, and started panicking- screaming for her husband at the top of her lungs and banging on the metal door. The Man strode up to see her befuddled husband standing, gaping, outside the door.
I got the story when he returned- he evidently let her out, then went inside the bathroom, and easily opened the door twice.
As a female who has traveled extensively, you do dumb things occasionally. Granted- hopefully they are not at 6AM. At this point, my adrenaline levels were through the roof, thinking that someone had been assaulted, or was being eaten by a giant space whale. I will attribute that last theory to being groggy, and to having watched too much Dr. Who in the past week.
So The Man and I snuggled up for a bit, and then he went to work. I crashed again soon after he left. It's been a quiet day- I have been cooking and stuff, and at some point was reading a book, petting one of the dogs with my feet, until I realized that it was not in fact a dog. It was a furry black Ugg boot, which I left under the coffee table last night.
So yeah. I am still somewhat woozy. Back to taking my acupuncture herbs, and doing my best to stay upbeat and not worry.
The Man leapt out of bed, threw on some pants and went charging out the door and down the sidewalk.
Unfortunately, it was a tourist from some Germanic place. She had somehow locked herself in the public bathroom down the street, and started panicking- screaming for her husband at the top of her lungs and banging on the metal door. The Man strode up to see her befuddled husband standing, gaping, outside the door.
I got the story when he returned- he evidently let her out, then went inside the bathroom, and easily opened the door twice.
As a female who has traveled extensively, you do dumb things occasionally. Granted- hopefully they are not at 6AM. At this point, my adrenaline levels were through the roof, thinking that someone had been assaulted, or was being eaten by a giant space whale. I will attribute that last theory to being groggy, and to having watched too much Dr. Who in the past week.
So The Man and I snuggled up for a bit, and then he went to work. I crashed again soon after he left. It's been a quiet day- I have been cooking and stuff, and at some point was reading a book, petting one of the dogs with my feet, until I realized that it was not in fact a dog. It was a furry black Ugg boot, which I left under the coffee table last night.
So yeah. I am still somewhat woozy. Back to taking my acupuncture herbs, and doing my best to stay upbeat and not worry.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Confucious Say...
Infertility makes you weird.
No really, it does. In some good ways, and some bad ways. One day, you're a completely sane and rational woman, who agrees it would be a good idea to go off the pill and "see what happens", and then: over time, with no positive test, things change.
You assume ridiculous post-coital positions, because, you know, gravity. GRAVITY. It's SCIENCE! You go to the health food store and spend your food budget on bee pollen. You research on the internet. And it escalates, and escalates, until you're wandering down a dark alley at the stroke of midnight with your grandmother's emerald ring to exchange with a crone for some baby potion.
OK, I am exaggerating, but not by much. If you'd told me 10 years ago that I would be taking 50 thousand herbal supplements and cutting out wheat and obsessing about eating organic, doing acupuncture and yoga and meditation and trying not to step on sidewalk cracks: or that I would be ponying up insane amounts of money for IVF- I would have laughed. Merrily. And probably said you were insane. Yet, here we are!
The fortune cookie in the photo is a replica of the fortune I got a few months ago: the day after we decided to do this again. As The Man says, "Crappy fortunes are a sure way to put a cookie company out of business"- yes, yes, I know. It's not like you're going to get one saying, "You are mentally unhinged, have dubious fashion sense, and this will all end in tears." (Hopefully.) But I am holding onto this anyway. Because I am CRAZY, and willing to cling to any tiny shred of hope that comes my way. Or you know: because I am optimistic. I am fighting the urge to put a question mark at the end of that last sentence.
I have been floundering a little this week: dutifully applying my gel to my shoulders, filling out paperwork, and trying not to get overwhelmed. I bought a meditation game for the Wii, which sounds ridiculous, yet it seems to be helping me to feel calm and centered, so why knock it? I have definitely done crazier things. I took a closer look at my meds, and realized that I am not going to be put on hormonal birth control for my IVF cycle- something I am thrilled about. I am trying to focus on the positives.
The weird thing is this: after a lot of soul searching, one of the things I am afraid of, is that this is it. This is something that I have been working my way up to, and focusing on, for so long. It's a big part of my psyche_ IF is the big Chimera I have to slay: or nurse my wounds and walk away from.
Whether it works, or it doesn't, I will have to change. It will be easier to change if I have a consolation prize (read: baby), but if it doesn't work: well, that's it. it's the end of a dream and a long journey, and the beginning of something else, whatever that might be.
I can't regret going through this. It's been awful. I would never wish this on anyone else. But it made me a better, stronger, healthier, more resilient person. It's definitely taught me who my friends were. I have learned more about my body and how it works than I ever dreamed was possible.
I can't regret that I have had ten years with The Man: taking some amazing vacations, and having each other pretty much all to ourselves.
Also, I don't know if it's the testosterone, the meditation, or I got a really good batch of organic herbal tea, but I dreamed about Matthew McConaughey last night. I can't really regret that, either!
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
The once-a-month blog
I thought I would stick my head in and say hi. :)
So....Mother's Day.
I admit to feeling a little sensitive about it, still. The commercials still give me a pang, and I am putting off looking for my card for Mom until the last minute.
I am not sure if it's the fact that I am no longer injecting enough hormones into my abdomen to kill a goat, or the fact that I have transitioned. But something happened to me today that would have sent me over the edge a few months ago.
I walked into a class of second-grade kids, and the teacher was, obviously, expecting. Par for the course so far.
As I set up, the kids were putting the final touches on their Mother's Day presents- cute collages of drawings and photos, and the stray thought crossed my mind, "I wonder if I will ever get one of those."
I have learned to nip thoughts like that in the bud. That way lies madness.
The class was actually really fun- second grade is just the best age ever! We did our experiments, and talked about what we learned, and I asked for questions.
A little girl raised her hand and asked if I was pregnant. At this point, I started wondering if someone had it in for me, because...hello?
Ironically, nobody has ever, EVER asked if I was prego before. Thank God!
The logical part of my mind was still working overtime, and inspired by the look of horror on the teacher's face, I just laughed. I know it was a combo of factors- the teachers' pregnancy, plus my lab coat is freaking huge on me now. Operation Hot Momma is still going strong. Thanks to thirty pounds lost, I need to put some darts in the front of my coat! (This incident may inspire me to actually do it.)
The fact is, I have never ever even had a positive pregnancy test. The idea that it may happen is getting to the point where it is laughable- and that was my reaction!
I just flattened my baggy coat against my tummy, and said, "No, sweetie. My coat is just too big for me. But it would be cool if I had a little Mad Scientist in here, wouldn't it?" The kids (of course) thought that was hilarious, and we moved on.
It wasn't until I got out to the car that I realized how devastated I would have been a few months ago. And I have to admit, it stings a little, but surprisingly, I am OK.
That's just surreal. I am OK.
So....Mother's Day.
I admit to feeling a little sensitive about it, still. The commercials still give me a pang, and I am putting off looking for my card for Mom until the last minute.
I am not sure if it's the fact that I am no longer injecting enough hormones into my abdomen to kill a goat, or the fact that I have transitioned. But something happened to me today that would have sent me over the edge a few months ago.
I walked into a class of second-grade kids, and the teacher was, obviously, expecting. Par for the course so far.
As I set up, the kids were putting the final touches on their Mother's Day presents- cute collages of drawings and photos, and the stray thought crossed my mind, "I wonder if I will ever get one of those."
I have learned to nip thoughts like that in the bud. That way lies madness.
The class was actually really fun- second grade is just the best age ever! We did our experiments, and talked about what we learned, and I asked for questions.
A little girl raised her hand and asked if I was pregnant. At this point, I started wondering if someone had it in for me, because...hello?
Ironically, nobody has ever, EVER asked if I was prego before. Thank God!
The logical part of my mind was still working overtime, and inspired by the look of horror on the teacher's face, I just laughed. I know it was a combo of factors- the teachers' pregnancy, plus my lab coat is freaking huge on me now. Operation Hot Momma is still going strong. Thanks to thirty pounds lost, I need to put some darts in the front of my coat! (This incident may inspire me to actually do it.)
The fact is, I have never ever even had a positive pregnancy test. The idea that it may happen is getting to the point where it is laughable- and that was my reaction!
I just flattened my baggy coat against my tummy, and said, "No, sweetie. My coat is just too big for me. But it would be cool if I had a little Mad Scientist in here, wouldn't it?" The kids (of course) thought that was hilarious, and we moved on.
It wasn't until I got out to the car that I realized how devastated I would have been a few months ago. And I have to admit, it stings a little, but surprisingly, I am OK.
That's just surreal. I am OK.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Bury a silver teaspoon under the rowan tree together with a lock of your hair under the waning moon.
Just an example.
Easter went well. Nobody is more surprised than I am. Mom and Dad still have made no reference to the fact that I am 20 lbs. lighter. Heh.
Towards the end of the weekend, my mother said, "Hey, there's some info that my beautician wanted me to give you."
I was puzzled, since I have never met this person. "Um- does she want me as a client?"
Mom looked....uncomfortable. "No, it has to do with something else."
At this point, I realized that it must be something to do with my continued babylessness.
I ended up going back into her room with her, and she handed me a piece of paper with some names on it. Not doctor's names. The name of a lady at the health food store.
"My beautician says that her friend was in her forties, nothing wrong with either of them, and nothing was happening, and she saw this lady, and she gave her a supplement, and now they have three kids!"
The feeling this info gave me was...well, indescribable, but I will try.
a. My mom is discussing my ovaries with her beautician?!!
b. Once upon a time, there was a woman who desperately wanted a child, so she went to the village witch, and the witch gave her a seed to plant in the garden. The seed bloomed overnight into a beautiful flower, and sitting in the center, there was a tiny girl no bigger than her mother's thumb. So they named her Thumbelina! (poor kid)
c. I have already tried acupuncture, injections, the mythical Fountain of Fertility (which by the way, has worked for someone else in the interim, but has no effect on me)and at one point, I would have done anything. ANYTHING! Just to get pregnant. I am not sure if I am still in that place.
d. But then, what have I got to lose?
Mom's thoughts seemed to run along the path of D. "Hey, it couldn't hurt, and it's cheaper than IVF," she said, practically.
I don't know what to think. The Man is fairly non-committal about it. And in our general timeline, this would put a pregnancy smack-dab in the middle of the worst possible scenario there is. Even considering that it has a slim chance of working.
The idea of even opening myself up to hope again is daunting. I can tell my brain is protecting itself, and I just can't seem to go there. I know I have to hope and act in order to potentially achieve my dreams, but OMG I have no idea what to think!!!
I am curious, I have to admit. Hopefully it's not---oh, I don't know. Organic whale testicles? The blood of virgins? (It's from the healthfood store, so the virgins would have to be free-range.)
If I get up the guts, I promise I will tell you guys what the magic pill is.
Easter went well. Nobody is more surprised than I am. Mom and Dad still have made no reference to the fact that I am 20 lbs. lighter. Heh.
Towards the end of the weekend, my mother said, "Hey, there's some info that my beautician wanted me to give you."
I was puzzled, since I have never met this person. "Um- does she want me as a client?"
Mom looked....uncomfortable. "No, it has to do with something else."
At this point, I realized that it must be something to do with my continued babylessness.
I ended up going back into her room with her, and she handed me a piece of paper with some names on it. Not doctor's names. The name of a lady at the health food store.
"My beautician says that her friend was in her forties, nothing wrong with either of them, and nothing was happening, and she saw this lady, and she gave her a supplement, and now they have three kids!"
The feeling this info gave me was...well, indescribable, but I will try.
a. My mom is discussing my ovaries with her beautician?!!
b. Once upon a time, there was a woman who desperately wanted a child, so she went to the village witch, and the witch gave her a seed to plant in the garden. The seed bloomed overnight into a beautiful flower, and sitting in the center, there was a tiny girl no bigger than her mother's thumb. So they named her Thumbelina! (poor kid)
c. I have already tried acupuncture, injections, the mythical Fountain of Fertility (which by the way, has worked for someone else in the interim, but has no effect on me)and at one point, I would have done anything. ANYTHING! Just to get pregnant. I am not sure if I am still in that place.
d. But then, what have I got to lose?
Mom's thoughts seemed to run along the path of D. "Hey, it couldn't hurt, and it's cheaper than IVF," she said, practically.
I don't know what to think. The Man is fairly non-committal about it. And in our general timeline, this would put a pregnancy smack-dab in the middle of the worst possible scenario there is. Even considering that it has a slim chance of working.
The idea of even opening myself up to hope again is daunting. I can tell my brain is protecting itself, and I just can't seem to go there. I know I have to hope and act in order to potentially achieve my dreams, but OMG I have no idea what to think!!!
I am curious, I have to admit. Hopefully it's not---oh, I don't know. Organic whale testicles? The blood of virgins? (It's from the healthfood store, so the virgins would have to be free-range.)
If I get up the guts, I promise I will tell you guys what the magic pill is.
Friday, February 8, 2008
What time is it?
You are the moment when the last bell rings and school lets out for the day. You are resistant to schedules and obligations, so you love feeling like you're in control of your life again. You are the very moment when the second hand hits the 12, and the halls fill with noise and motion. Even if your after-school time is packed with activities, lessons, or a job, somehow, you just feel freer in the late afternoon than you do earlier in the day. Maybe it's all that blue sky and afternoon sunshine? Nah -- even on rainy days, 3:15 is always a beautiful time.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Juno
I went and saw Juno yesterday.
I have to admit, I was a little worried, and some of the scenes made me tense up in my seat to the point that I squirmed uncomfortably. However, I didn't overly abuse my one pathetic Kleenex.
After that random disclaimer, I have to say that I loved this movie. It was hilarious and quirky, and just one of those movies that you walk out of feeling satisfied and vaguely vindicated. And yes, Chris, I want the soundtrack. It kind of grows on you.
YMMV- I am glad I watched it with my girlie buddies, and not The Man. Because there is one part that made me SO MAD at my husband (without the benefit of his having done anything wrong) that I probably would have reached over and pinched him repeatedly just to relieve my seething feelings.
Irrational? Well, maybe. But I guess there is a good reason, because I am in the throes of possibly THE worst PMS I have ever had. I mean it, I woke up with my back spasming two days ago, cramps, you name it, and I was in full attack mode for about a week before that, when any little thing could set me off. Considering that I usually lead a crampless existence, have no mood swings (aside from a little ditziness) and just take a prolonged nap the day before AF arrives, this is interesting news.
I hope you all are having fantastic weekends that don't involve any back spasming. I don't recommend it.
I have to admit, I was a little worried, and some of the scenes made me tense up in my seat to the point that I squirmed uncomfortably. However, I didn't overly abuse my one pathetic Kleenex.
After that random disclaimer, I have to say that I loved this movie. It was hilarious and quirky, and just one of those movies that you walk out of feeling satisfied and vaguely vindicated. And yes, Chris, I want the soundtrack. It kind of grows on you.
YMMV- I am glad I watched it with my girlie buddies, and not The Man. Because there is one part that made me SO MAD at my husband (without the benefit of his having done anything wrong) that I probably would have reached over and pinched him repeatedly just to relieve my seething feelings.
Irrational? Well, maybe. But I guess there is a good reason, because I am in the throes of possibly THE worst PMS I have ever had. I mean it, I woke up with my back spasming two days ago, cramps, you name it, and I was in full attack mode for about a week before that, when any little thing could set me off. Considering that I usually lead a crampless existence, have no mood swings (aside from a little ditziness) and just take a prolonged nap the day before AF arrives, this is interesting news.
I hope you all are having fantastic weekends that don't involve any back spasming. I don't recommend it.
Friday, December 7, 2007
This was supposed to be a comment...
But it got way too freaking long!
Thanks guys- I need to do SOMETHING, not sure what yet. I do have a couple of ideas. If worse comes to worse, we can use plastic, but since we just paid our cards off, that option isn't particularly appealing! I just hate that place where infertility takes you, when you feel like suddenly, everything is hopeless. I was feeling that way in a big way last night. Thanks so much for all your words of support- It means the world to me.
I know I just need to be patient for now. I know this is not the time for me to become a mom. We'll be in a better place to do this on our own when (and if- that's a whole other story) we go through the move and The Man's job change. I just need to be patient, and stick to my guns...I knew my instincts about asking my parents for help were dead on, and I ignored the red flashing lights and sirens, because I was at the end of my rope, and did it anyway. The worst part is, I feel stupid for ignoring my gut feelings. I asked for help, knowing it would put me in a bad place. I went along with their plans for Thanksgiving, ignoring my feeling that it was going to be awful. Both were things that I had bad vibes about, but somehow, I thought, "This time, it will be different. You're just being overly sensitive."
Someone's blog that I read earlier today referred to a quote- the gist was that it was stupid to perform the same experiment the same way over and over and expect a different outcome.
I need to accept the fact that while they are my parents, and we love each other, they have always used money to control me, and my reproductive system and my emotions and their pockets are just something that should not mix.
The Man and I had a heart-to-heart today. We bought a Christmas tree, and spent the day decorating and tidying up the house, since we both had the day off- a rare occurance around here!
He was asleep when I talked to Mom and had my little breakdown last night. I explained what had happened, and when I said I couldn't ask them for help, he agreed with me. So at least we are on the same page about that.
"I don't know if it's worse to have hope or not," is what he said about it. "I feel like I am being punished for something."
Since this is an emotion I can fully relate to, we talked about that for awhile.
The conversation drifted from there into adoption and potentially, fostering. It's the first time he has ever even been willing to discuss one of those options. He says he is more open to adoption. This is a huge step for him.
We discussed where we would need to be to bring a child into our lives- whether someone else's, or our own. The Man has still not made a concrete decision as to where he is going to be in a year, and I put my foot down and said I didn't want to move forward with any more treatment until we had a set plan and a schedule that I could work with.
We accomplished a lot. I feel a lot more hopeful. It's so hard to sit and wait for what you want...but I know that I have done what I am capable of doing with my own resources so far, so waiting seems like the most sensible option that I have.
Thanks guys- I need to do SOMETHING, not sure what yet. I do have a couple of ideas. If worse comes to worse, we can use plastic, but since we just paid our cards off, that option isn't particularly appealing! I just hate that place where infertility takes you, when you feel like suddenly, everything is hopeless. I was feeling that way in a big way last night. Thanks so much for all your words of support- It means the world to me.
I know I just need to be patient for now. I know this is not the time for me to become a mom. We'll be in a better place to do this on our own when (and if- that's a whole other story) we go through the move and The Man's job change. I just need to be patient, and stick to my guns...I knew my instincts about asking my parents for help were dead on, and I ignored the red flashing lights and sirens, because I was at the end of my rope, and did it anyway. The worst part is, I feel stupid for ignoring my gut feelings. I asked for help, knowing it would put me in a bad place. I went along with their plans for Thanksgiving, ignoring my feeling that it was going to be awful. Both were things that I had bad vibes about, but somehow, I thought, "This time, it will be different. You're just being overly sensitive."
Someone's blog that I read earlier today referred to a quote- the gist was that it was stupid to perform the same experiment the same way over and over and expect a different outcome.
I need to accept the fact that while they are my parents, and we love each other, they have always used money to control me, and my reproductive system and my emotions and their pockets are just something that should not mix.
The Man and I had a heart-to-heart today. We bought a Christmas tree, and spent the day decorating and tidying up the house, since we both had the day off- a rare occurance around here!
He was asleep when I talked to Mom and had my little breakdown last night. I explained what had happened, and when I said I couldn't ask them for help, he agreed with me. So at least we are on the same page about that.
"I don't know if it's worse to have hope or not," is what he said about it. "I feel like I am being punished for something."
Since this is an emotion I can fully relate to, we talked about that for awhile.
The conversation drifted from there into adoption and potentially, fostering. It's the first time he has ever even been willing to discuss one of those options. He says he is more open to adoption. This is a huge step for him.
We discussed where we would need to be to bring a child into our lives- whether someone else's, or our own. The Man has still not made a concrete decision as to where he is going to be in a year, and I put my foot down and said I didn't want to move forward with any more treatment until we had a set plan and a schedule that I could work with.
We accomplished a lot. I feel a lot more hopeful. It's so hard to sit and wait for what you want...but I know that I have done what I am capable of doing with my own resources so far, so waiting seems like the most sensible option that I have.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Land Of Enchantment
OK.
If you haven't gone to see "Enchanted" yet, please go see it.
I have actually seen it twice. With The Man. And we come out of it wearing big, dopey grins each time.
The irony mixed with the fairytale is seriously hysterical. If you're having a crappy day, this will totally fix it- I swear!
If you haven't gone to see "Enchanted" yet, please go see it.
I have actually seen it twice. With The Man. And we come out of it wearing big, dopey grins each time.
The irony mixed with the fairytale is seriously hysterical. If you're having a crappy day, this will totally fix it- I swear!
Monday, December 3, 2007
Quatre Choses (Four Things)
Once again, tagged by Farah!
Four jobs I have held in life:
* Pizza Wench (Woodstock's Pizza in Davis, CA) Yeah, I threw the dough in the air and everything. I also got to pour a pitcher of beer into a patron's lap once. He totally deserved it, so I didn't get in trouble.
* Graphic Designer/Camerawoman/production assistant for a local news broadcast.
* Marketing Coordinator. For people who may have been the minions of Satan.
* Mad Sci.entist (seriously.)
Four movies I have watched more than once:
* Monsoon Wedding
* Under The Tuscan Sun
* Dangerous Liasons
* The Witches of Eastwick
Four places I have vacationed
* Paris
* Beautiful British Columbia
* New York
* Hawaii (twice- Maui and Oahu)
Four of my favorite foods:
* Armenian food- if I have to be specific, pilaf, lulu kabob, yalanchi, and a cheese borag are the shizznit. Ok, I can't believe I said shizznit. But all other adjectives are just not doing it for me.
* Seared Ahi
* Another meal (sorry) Medium rare ribeye, loaded baked potato, steamed broccoli, French Onion soup, Perfection.
* I already said doughnuts in another post- um, it's a toss up between Breyer's Vanilla Bean ice cream and my home-made plum sorbet. Yum!
Honorable mention: Mac N' Cheese.
Four places I would rather be:
* On an ocean cruise, someplace tropical
* Disneyland!!!!!
* On a European tour
* New Orleans for Mardi Gras.
Four hobbies I engage in regularly:
* Knitting
* Reading
* Shopping on Amazon
* Cooking food-type things
Four jobs I have held in life:
* Pizza Wench (Woodstock's Pizza in Davis, CA) Yeah, I threw the dough in the air and everything. I also got to pour a pitcher of beer into a patron's lap once. He totally deserved it, so I didn't get in trouble.
* Graphic Designer/Camerawoman/production assistant for a local news broadcast.
* Marketing Coordinator. For people who may have been the minions of Satan.
* Mad Sci.entist (seriously.)
Four movies I have watched more than once:
* Monsoon Wedding
* Under The Tuscan Sun
* Dangerous Liasons
* The Witches of Eastwick
Four places I have vacationed
* Paris
* Beautiful British Columbia
* New York
* Hawaii (twice- Maui and Oahu)
Four of my favorite foods:
* Armenian food- if I have to be specific, pilaf, lulu kabob, yalanchi, and a cheese borag are the shizznit. Ok, I can't believe I said shizznit. But all other adjectives are just not doing it for me.
* Seared Ahi
* Another meal (sorry) Medium rare ribeye, loaded baked potato, steamed broccoli, French Onion soup, Perfection.
* I already said doughnuts in another post- um, it's a toss up between Breyer's Vanilla Bean ice cream and my home-made plum sorbet. Yum!
Honorable mention: Mac N' Cheese.
Four places I would rather be:
* On an ocean cruise, someplace tropical
* Disneyland!!!!!
* On a European tour
* New Orleans for Mardi Gras.
Four hobbies I engage in regularly:
* Knitting
* Reading
* Shopping on Amazon
* Cooking food-type things
Spicy!
Inspired by Farah, I decided to take the test and find out which spice I am. (Old Spice! Just kidding.)
Your Score: Cayenne Pepper
You scored 75% intoxication, 75% hotness, 100% complexity, and 50% craziness!
You are Cayenne!
You're known for your dry wit, saucy remarks, and ability to stimulate (take that however you want). People in hot climates like you for your ability to make them sweat, but you're also quite good for people all over the world. Just don't mention your cousin, deadly nightshade.
| Link: The Which Spice Are You Teston OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test |
Monday, November 26, 2007
We should have brought a tent
I feel so guilty. I have not been keeping up with blogs.
Mainly because I am not sure how to tell you guys about the disaster that was Thanksgiving/my birthday.
I feel incredibly ungrateful when I think about everything that went "wrong". And boy howdy, I am glad I am not in the middle of another infertility cycle on top of all of it, because that would have just been...well.
Here are a few things that may or may not have happened:
1. Hanging out with my sis and sis-in-law (who look like Angelina Jolie and Mandy Moore, respectively) made me feel like a beluga whale. An old, ugly beluga whale encrusted with moldy barnacles.
2. I bought and wrapped my own birthday gift from my husband, who didn't even bother to get me a card.
3. I showed up at the house, and realized that nobody else had bothered to get me anything, either.
4. Except for a birthday cake, which I was obscenely grateful for. Until my mom put it on a low shelf for a second when she was getting ready to serve it and my brothers dogs licked half the frosting off of it. Nobody really wanted it after that.
5. I mentioned the "couch-to-5K" program I am doing, and got to see the shifty looks that obviously meant, "Yeah right."
6. The phone call from my aunt who asked, "And how young are you today?" and when I said, "33" she sighed and said, "How time does fly!" In a way that was supposed to be consoling, but since my age doesn't bother me, I just wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her.
7. Mom said she would take me out shopping on the day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday. We stayed in town and avoided the mall. I didn't find anything I liked, and all the shopping was for other people. Dad showed up halfway through the day with a ring he bought for me as a surprise. It was the one nice thing that anyone had done, and I was almost teary.
8. Then Mom said, "Well, it's from both of us! Happy Birthday! Let's go home."
9. Then we got home, and Dad had bought identical rings for my sister and s-i-l.
10. My sister, who has a habit of wearing very thin pajamas and bending over and revealing half of her butt and all of her thong, decided to change clothes in the room that The Man and I stayed in. After dinner. Without locking the door, or utilizing the en-suite bathroom with a door that closes. The inevitable happened, and The Man walked in on her.
I should back this up by saying that The Man has commented on this before, and my sister just isn't modest on the same level that I am. In any event, I have discussed with my parents that my husband knows way too much about my sister's anatomy, and aside from saying, "Well, you know what she's like" and "we're in close quarters in that house"....yeah. I never knew how to bring it up.
I was furious. she kept protesting, "But he didn't see anything! I covered up!!" and I would just say, "What he saw is not the POINT. The POINT is that if you are changing in someone else's room, you make an effort to be respectful, and you tell them, or lock the door, or use the bathroom!"
It ended up with me leaving the house by myself at 9PM and walking down to the beach and staring sightlessly at the waves. The Man was watching movies with Dad and my brother, and I didn't want to make a scene, I just wanted to be gone.
I stayed gone for nearly an hour. As I was getting close to the house, I rounded the corner and saw my husband, who had been waiting for me.
He just kept repeating that he was sorry. Did I want to leave? Yes, I had every right to feel the way I did. He felt bad that he had screwed up my birthday.
We walked back to the house, and I stayed holed up in the room until bedtime. I eventually came out to try to have a sane conversation with my sister, which degraded into:
Her: "My blue pajamas are not see-through."
Me: "I assure you, they are."
Her: "They totally are not!"
Me: "Do you want me to give you the diameter of your nipples in centimeters? "
Her: "You're obviously just have a grudge and you're holding all this stuff against me. It's YOUR problem, not mine. How am I supposed to control what everyone sees?!"
Me: "That's an interesting perspective. Somehow, I manage to get through a family weekend without everyone seeing MY underwear. It's not rocket science."
Her:"You're just being unreasonable."
Me: "I don't feel that it's so unreasonable to ask that you not flash your crotch at my husband from across the room. Or to be respectful and lock the door when you're changing in our room."
Her: "I didn't know I was flashing! And he didn't see anything, tonight! I covered up with a towel."
It went around and around, and on, and on. I finally said, "Look, all I am asking you is to be a little more modest around my husband. That's it."
We said goodnight and went to bed. I made my point, and in the process, l think I killed my friendship with my sister.
I am so glad to be home. But that's really the only thing I am glad about right now.
Mainly because I am not sure how to tell you guys about the disaster that was Thanksgiving/my birthday.
I feel incredibly ungrateful when I think about everything that went "wrong". And boy howdy, I am glad I am not in the middle of another infertility cycle on top of all of it, because that would have just been...well.
Here are a few things that may or may not have happened:
1. Hanging out with my sis and sis-in-law (who look like Angelina Jolie and Mandy Moore, respectively) made me feel like a beluga whale. An old, ugly beluga whale encrusted with moldy barnacles.
2. I bought and wrapped my own birthday gift from my husband, who didn't even bother to get me a card.
3. I showed up at the house, and realized that nobody else had bothered to get me anything, either.
4. Except for a birthday cake, which I was obscenely grateful for. Until my mom put it on a low shelf for a second when she was getting ready to serve it and my brothers dogs licked half the frosting off of it. Nobody really wanted it after that.
5. I mentioned the "couch-to-5K" program I am doing, and got to see the shifty looks that obviously meant, "Yeah right."
6. The phone call from my aunt who asked, "And how young are you today?" and when I said, "33" she sighed and said, "How time does fly!" In a way that was supposed to be consoling, but since my age doesn't bother me, I just wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her.
7. Mom said she would take me out shopping on the day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday. We stayed in town and avoided the mall. I didn't find anything I liked, and all the shopping was for other people. Dad showed up halfway through the day with a ring he bought for me as a surprise. It was the one nice thing that anyone had done, and I was almost teary.
8. Then Mom said, "Well, it's from both of us! Happy Birthday! Let's go home."
9. Then we got home, and Dad had bought identical rings for my sister and s-i-l.
10. My sister, who has a habit of wearing very thin pajamas and bending over and revealing half of her butt and all of her thong, decided to change clothes in the room that The Man and I stayed in. After dinner. Without locking the door, or utilizing the en-suite bathroom with a door that closes. The inevitable happened, and The Man walked in on her.
I should back this up by saying that The Man has commented on this before, and my sister just isn't modest on the same level that I am. In any event, I have discussed with my parents that my husband knows way too much about my sister's anatomy, and aside from saying, "Well, you know what she's like" and "we're in close quarters in that house"....yeah. I never knew how to bring it up.
I was furious. she kept protesting, "But he didn't see anything! I covered up!!" and I would just say, "What he saw is not the POINT. The POINT is that if you are changing in someone else's room, you make an effort to be respectful, and you tell them, or lock the door, or use the bathroom!"
It ended up with me leaving the house by myself at 9PM and walking down to the beach and staring sightlessly at the waves. The Man was watching movies with Dad and my brother, and I didn't want to make a scene, I just wanted to be gone.
I stayed gone for nearly an hour. As I was getting close to the house, I rounded the corner and saw my husband, who had been waiting for me.
He just kept repeating that he was sorry. Did I want to leave? Yes, I had every right to feel the way I did. He felt bad that he had screwed up my birthday.
We walked back to the house, and I stayed holed up in the room until bedtime. I eventually came out to try to have a sane conversation with my sister, which degraded into:
Her: "My blue pajamas are not see-through."
Me: "I assure you, they are."
Her: "They totally are not!"
Me: "Do you want me to give you the diameter of your nipples in centimeters? "
Her: "You're obviously just have a grudge and you're holding all this stuff against me. It's YOUR problem, not mine. How am I supposed to control what everyone sees?!"
Me: "That's an interesting perspective. Somehow, I manage to get through a family weekend without everyone seeing MY underwear. It's not rocket science."
Her:"You're just being unreasonable."
Me: "I don't feel that it's so unreasonable to ask that you not flash your crotch at my husband from across the room. Or to be respectful and lock the door when you're changing in our room."
Her: "I didn't know I was flashing! And he didn't see anything, tonight! I covered up with a towel."
It went around and around, and on, and on. I finally said, "Look, all I am asking you is to be a little more modest around my husband. That's it."
We said goodnight and went to bed. I made my point, and in the process, l think I killed my friendship with my sister.
I am so glad to be home. But that's really the only thing I am glad about right now.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Happy Monday
I have a week OFF! 1 week free of manic customers, devoid of Other People's Kids, one whole week were I can get the house back in shape after the year-long depression I suspect I have been in.
I have started exercising again. I actually enjoyed it. I know myself too well to make rules for me to follow- as in the Pirates of The Caribbean movies, the rules have to be "more like guidelines". Because otherwise I feel all constrained and then I want to rebel and just...well, you know. Do nothing.
As I sit here, my parrot is trying to get attention from me. So the following monologue is what I am listening to: "Bear!!! HI Bear!!! Good BOY!!!! (Bear is the name of one of our dogs)Kitty kitty kitty....c'mere! Helllooooooooooo......Hi! Whatcha doin'? Pretty Bird! Cluck cluck cluck...Huh? Quack quack quack...huh? Oh. Woooooooo! WoooOOooooOooooooooOOOoooo! Silly silly silly bird!!!"
He also calls for my husband by name in an increasingly loud and irascible voice (I wonder who he learned that from?), makes noises like creaking doors and car alarms, and warbles in operatic fashion whenever he hears Gwen Stefani on the radio.
It's like living with a very small cheerleader with mental issues. The most disturbing part is that he's adopted my tone of voice and a slightly higher pitch, and I know these are all things that I say. Of course (thankfully) I don't string them all together.
In other news of the weird, we are going to spend Thanksgiving with my family. The Man said, "You know, if they are making us crazy, we can just go to the beach." I guess he has a point.
And we can't stay too long, because of the pets, so it's the perfect excuse to get back home if we need to.
The Man asked me last night what I want for my birthday and for Christmas. Aside from the obvious but as yet unachievable (world peace, Ferrari, 7 lb. 6 oz. bundle of joy) I have no idea what to tell him...but I know that if I don't, I am probably not going to like what I get. Since I have spent a considerable amount of time hinting for things and he obviously has not picked up on any of the hints, and my birthday is on Thanksgiving....I don't know what he is going to do. I have an Amazon wishlist. for heaven's sake. Get it together, guy. I am NOT ordering my own gift for the third year in a row.
How are you guys doing?
I have started exercising again. I actually enjoyed it. I know myself too well to make rules for me to follow- as in the Pirates of The Caribbean movies, the rules have to be "more like guidelines". Because otherwise I feel all constrained and then I want to rebel and just...well, you know. Do nothing.
As I sit here, my parrot is trying to get attention from me. So the following monologue is what I am listening to: "Bear!!! HI Bear!!! Good BOY!!!! (Bear is the name of one of our dogs)Kitty kitty kitty....c'mere! Helllooooooooooo......Hi! Whatcha doin'? Pretty Bird! Cluck cluck cluck...Huh? Quack quack quack...huh? Oh. Woooooooo! WoooOOooooOooooooooOOOoooo! Silly silly silly bird!!!"
He also calls for my husband by name in an increasingly loud and irascible voice (I wonder who he learned that from?), makes noises like creaking doors and car alarms, and warbles in operatic fashion whenever he hears Gwen Stefani on the radio.
It's like living with a very small cheerleader with mental issues. The most disturbing part is that he's adopted my tone of voice and a slightly higher pitch, and I know these are all things that I say. Of course (thankfully) I don't string them all together.
In other news of the weird, we are going to spend Thanksgiving with my family. The Man said, "You know, if they are making us crazy, we can just go to the beach." I guess he has a point.
And we can't stay too long, because of the pets, so it's the perfect excuse to get back home if we need to.
The Man asked me last night what I want for my birthday and for Christmas. Aside from the obvious but as yet unachievable (world peace, Ferrari, 7 lb. 6 oz. bundle of joy) I have no idea what to tell him...but I know that if I don't, I am probably not going to like what I get. Since I have spent a considerable amount of time hinting for things and he obviously has not picked up on any of the hints, and my birthday is on Thanksgiving....I don't know what he is going to do. I have an Amazon wishlist. for heaven's sake. Get it together, guy. I am NOT ordering my own gift for the third year in a row.
How are you guys doing?
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
8 Random things
Well, Meghan has tagged me! And I definitely needed it. Away we go.....
Here are the rules: Once tagged, you must link to the person who tagged you. Then post the rules before your list, and list 8 random things about yourself. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to 8 other people, visit their sites, and leave a comment letting them know they’ve been tagged.
I am going to have to tag the eight people later. I am woefully behind in my blog check-upping.
1. I am like Snow White. I don't burst into song or anything, but animals seem to be drawn to me, and it tends to freak people out.
2. I can't whistle, and didn't learn how to snap my fingers until I was in my 20's. I also have to think about right and left, and will occasionally sneak a peek at my hands to see which one makes the "L".
3. I have a very girly side, but I tend to hide it from people. For example, my family birthday cake every year is white Dream Cake, with heaps of whipped cream and pink white chocolate shavings on top. I now make the excuse that the kids in the family like it, but it really is still one of my favorites.
4. I am horribly near-sighted, and have worn glasses since I was in the third grade. I'm actually officially myopic in my left eye, due to a detached retina at the age of 24. Nobody can figure out how it happened, but they fixed it pretty well.
5. I have always been a voracious reader, and I read ridiculously fast. I also like to read and re-read my favorites.
6. I love East Coast Swing Dancing and swing music. I used to be a pretty decent dancer- lifts and everything- but I have unfortunately gotten out of practice.
7. My junk food Kryptonite? Doughnuts. Specifically, maple bars.
8. The biggest scar I have runs horizontally along the bottom of my left calf muscle. I got it while riding my bike when I was 12, and coincidentaly, that's how many stitches I had to have.
Here are the rules: Once tagged, you must link to the person who tagged you. Then post the rules before your list, and list 8 random things about yourself. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to 8 other people, visit their sites, and leave a comment letting them know they’ve been tagged.
I am going to have to tag the eight people later. I am woefully behind in my blog check-upping.
1. I am like Snow White. I don't burst into song or anything, but animals seem to be drawn to me, and it tends to freak people out.
2. I can't whistle, and didn't learn how to snap my fingers until I was in my 20's. I also have to think about right and left, and will occasionally sneak a peek at my hands to see which one makes the "L".
3. I have a very girly side, but I tend to hide it from people. For example, my family birthday cake every year is white Dream Cake, with heaps of whipped cream and pink white chocolate shavings on top. I now make the excuse that the kids in the family like it, but it really is still one of my favorites.
4. I am horribly near-sighted, and have worn glasses since I was in the third grade. I'm actually officially myopic in my left eye, due to a detached retina at the age of 24. Nobody can figure out how it happened, but they fixed it pretty well.
5. I have always been a voracious reader, and I read ridiculously fast. I also like to read and re-read my favorites.
6. I love East Coast Swing Dancing and swing music. I used to be a pretty decent dancer- lifts and everything- but I have unfortunately gotten out of practice.
7. My junk food Kryptonite? Doughnuts. Specifically, maple bars.
8. The biggest scar I have runs horizontally along the bottom of my left calf muscle. I got it while riding my bike when I was 12, and coincidentaly, that's how many stitches I had to have.
Where have I been?
I honestly couldn't tell you. This last week or so has been a maelstrom of conflicting emotions. My friend had her baby, and sent the pictures, and while I have to admit I felt a pang, I didn't feel like the universe was out to get me and dissolve into tears. That was weird enough.
Other than that, The Man and I have been enjoying a "second honeymoon" of sorts. He's had lots of time off, and I haven't, but what spare time I have had, I have spent with him....and also knitting and posting on Ravelry, which is an unfortunate addiction.
How are you guys doing?
Other than that, The Man and I have been enjoying a "second honeymoon" of sorts. He's had lots of time off, and I haven't, but what spare time I have had, I have spent with him....and also knitting and posting on Ravelry, which is an unfortunate addiction.
How are you guys doing?
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Your aura is pulsating dear...
I made an appointment with a psychic. Saturday, 7PM.
This is the e-mail I wrote to my sister- she has seen the guy before, so she would be in a position to tell me what's what.
_________
Her reply was that he is somewhere between A and B, which is good enough for me.
I am feeling hopeful, yet, also extremely skeptical. I am supposed to write down questions to ask, but my sister said he answered everything she wanted to know as soon as she walked in, she never even got a chance to ask.
I am supposed to bring a list of questions, a blank tape, pictures (?!) and of course, cold hard cash.
So. If you were going to a psychic...what would you ask?
This is the e-mail I wrote to my sister- she has seen the guy before, so she would be in a position to tell me what's what.
_________
Um, how specific is this guy? I am assuming that he’s a lot more accurate than, say, a Magic 8-ball.
So if I ask, “Am I ever going to be someone’s biological parent?” And the answer is an affirmative, would it be
- Spookily accurate. “Yes, you will have two boys and three girls, but you will have to use IVF and they will be quintuplets. Oh, and they will all be like your dad and your Mother-In Law, and you will end up in a mental institution.”
- Fairly accurate: “You will have kids by the time you are 40. I think I see three.”
- Reply hazy: Um, yeah. Definitely!
- Total crap: “You already have spiritual children, I can see them waiting for you in the beyond!”
Ok, I just wrote C. and D. to round it out. Don’t hate on me.
_________________________________
Her reply was that he is somewhere between A and B, which is good enough for me.
I am feeling hopeful, yet, also extremely skeptical. I am supposed to write down questions to ask, but my sister said he answered everything she wanted to know as soon as she walked in, she never even got a chance to ask.
I am supposed to bring a list of questions, a blank tape, pictures (?!) and of course, cold hard cash.
So. If you were going to a psychic...what would you ask?
Monday, October 29, 2007
Eau de....something.
I believe I am crawling out from beneath the mountain of funk. This may have something to do with the fact that I am approaching launch for AF Day one (Ugh, on Halloween!) and also because my punchiness is, admittedly, kind of funny all by itself.
Last night, The Man and I were trying to watch TV...specifically, Comedy Central.
Judging by the commercials, the only people watching Comedy Central at midnight are horny teenage boys or older men who still have the horniness, but not the ability. (Vivaaaaaaa.....Viagra!)
The later it got, the more obnoxious everything became.
We were going to switch things off and go to bed, but then this commercial came on.
We both started giggling, kind of pointlessly. It should be noted that smelling like "man" is not necessarily a good thing, because, at least in our house, it's likely to be prefaced with, "Please, go take a shower. You smell like....MAN."
The Man: "Why is this so funny?"
Me: If someone asked you what cologne you were wearing? You would have to say, "I'm wearing....MAN." It just sounds wrong.
The Man: "Wasn't there some spoof on SNL of the Calvin Klein ads?"
Me: You mean "Canis- Cologne For Dogs?"
The Man: Maybe.
Last night, The Man and I were trying to watch TV...specifically, Comedy Central.
Judging by the commercials, the only people watching Comedy Central at midnight are horny teenage boys or older men who still have the horniness, but not the ability. (Vivaaaaaaa.....Viagra!)
The later it got, the more obnoxious everything became.
We were going to switch things off and go to bed, but then this commercial came on.
We both started giggling, kind of pointlessly. It should be noted that smelling like "man" is not necessarily a good thing, because, at least in our house, it's likely to be prefaced with, "Please, go take a shower. You smell like....MAN."
The Man: "Why is this so funny?"
Me: If someone asked you what cologne you were wearing? You would have to say, "I'm wearing....MAN." It just sounds wrong.
The Man: "Wasn't there some spoof on SNL of the Calvin Klein ads?"
Me: You mean "Canis- Cologne For Dogs?"
The Man: Maybe.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Crankypants
There. I said it.
I have been in an evil mood for the last couple of days, which I am attributing to some kind of hormonal hangover after the last six months of non-stop meds.
I have also been a little blue....a very pale shade of that color. Maybe a better term is funk. I am in a FUNK. How I am to get out of it, I am really not sure, but it is official.
The first major sign is not wanting to put up the Halloween decorations. They are usually up at the crack of October 1st, because Halloween is my favorite holiday. So far, I have one lonely bat sticking out of my planter box. Skeletons hanging from the trees? Negative. Graveyard set up, complete with fog and black lights? Negative. Spider webs set up on the front porch? Negative.
Our usual Halloween party hookup isn't happening this year (they're 6-7 months pregnant, of course) so it's looking like a quiet night. A big part of me wants to not even buy candy and turn off the porch light, like some kind of Halloween grinch.
What with us not celebrating Thanksgiving with the fam, it's looking like The Man and I are going to make the holidays a wash this year. Maybe we'll have our acts together by Christmas.
I have been spending most of my time knitting obsessively and uploading stuff to Ravelry, because my crankiness makes me wary of human contact. By the way, if you are a knitter with a Ravelry account, stop by and see me! There is even a group for knitters dealing with IF, called the Infertile Myrtles.
The one bright spot in my week was yesterday. Maybe you had to be there, but oh, man, it was hilarious.
S. and I went to Jo-Ann's, because we wanted more yarn. We stopped at an innocent display of plush turkeys.
S: "Look! They're so cuuuute!"
Me: *rolls eyes*
S: "You seriously need to snap out of it. See....oh, they're handpuppets!"
She seized a turkey and thrust her hand into it.
Turkey: GOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLE!!!!
S. shrieked at the top of her lungs and jumped into the air like she had been electrocuted, bowling the turkey down the aisle. She had whipped her hand out so fast, she actually yanked out the noisemaker, which skittered down the aisle in the opposite direction, still gobbling.
I was rooted to the spot, doubled over, and laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe.
I know, I am evil, but the look on her face was so.damn.funny that it look me at least 10 minutes to collect myself.
I have been in an evil mood for the last couple of days, which I am attributing to some kind of hormonal hangover after the last six months of non-stop meds.
I have also been a little blue....a very pale shade of that color. Maybe a better term is funk. I am in a FUNK. How I am to get out of it, I am really not sure, but it is official.
The first major sign is not wanting to put up the Halloween decorations. They are usually up at the crack of October 1st, because Halloween is my favorite holiday. So far, I have one lonely bat sticking out of my planter box. Skeletons hanging from the trees? Negative. Graveyard set up, complete with fog and black lights? Negative. Spider webs set up on the front porch? Negative.
Our usual Halloween party hookup isn't happening this year (they're 6-7 months pregnant, of course) so it's looking like a quiet night. A big part of me wants to not even buy candy and turn off the porch light, like some kind of Halloween grinch.
What with us not celebrating Thanksgiving with the fam, it's looking like The Man and I are going to make the holidays a wash this year. Maybe we'll have our acts together by Christmas.
I have been spending most of my time knitting obsessively and uploading stuff to Ravelry, because my crankiness makes me wary of human contact. By the way, if you are a knitter with a Ravelry account, stop by and see me! There is even a group for knitters dealing with IF, called the Infertile Myrtles.
The one bright spot in my week was yesterday. Maybe you had to be there, but oh, man, it was hilarious.
S. and I went to Jo-Ann's, because we wanted more yarn. We stopped at an innocent display of plush turkeys.
S: "Look! They're so cuuuute!"
Me: *rolls eyes*
S: "You seriously need to snap out of it. See....oh, they're handpuppets!"
She seized a turkey and thrust her hand into it.
Turkey: GOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLE!!!!
S. shrieked at the top of her lungs and jumped into the air like she had been electrocuted, bowling the turkey down the aisle. She had whipped her hand out so fast, she actually yanked out the noisemaker, which skittered down the aisle in the opposite direction, still gobbling.
I was rooted to the spot, doubled over, and laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe.
I know, I am evil, but the look on her face was so.damn.funny that it look me at least 10 minutes to collect myself.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Holy Crap
I was just talking to a friend on the phone, and I mentioned my SIL's "I saw you" comment that kind of freaked me out.
There was a long pause, and then my friend said, "I saw it too. I didn't want to say anything because I thought it would freak you out. But when you told me you were moving, I envisioned you walking uphill on a sidewalk, with a baby in a sling across your chest. You were carrying flowers and a bag of groceries, swinging the bag, and laughing with someone. It was weird, like a clip from a movie playing inside my head."
Then I read Mel's blog and this entry over at Jenna's.
Maybe I should see a psychic when I am in SF. I know my sister (The Queen of Granola) would totally go for it, and The Man would think it was a load of you know what. What do you guys think?
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